Infomercials

I am going to have to take a moment to break up the monotony of this heavy hearted blog to let a little sunshine in. The events described below are the reason that every day, no matter what I face, and even at my saddest and lowest point of my life, I still love and rejoice in every second of it.

This blog is dedicated to my 10 year old and her love for infomercials.

It started with the handy dandy Chop Wizard. Since August, my children have regressed a bit and have been sleeping with me. My 10 year old sleeps beside me or at the foot of the bed on a air mattress. The 14 year old typically is in the bed with me. In fact, that is one thing that makes me so livid about incident last Tuesday, I had just gotten my 14 year old to begin sleeping in her bed again, but I digress. The Chop Wizard. My 10 year old was awake one night until almost 3 am when she ran across the infomercial for the chop wizard.

 

As you can see, the Chop Wizard is nothing more than a very expensive vegetable chopper, and somehow in amongst all of the craziness, and after days upon days of begging, and doing extra chores, the Chop Wizard was ordered for the child. She uses it to chop hotdogs, and that in and of itself makes me smile. I'm not sure it has been used for vegetables even once, so The Chop Wizard is now an expensive hotdog cutter.

 

Then came the Bissell Revolution. If you could understand my love for steam cleaning and having fresh carpets all the time, then you could understand where my child gets it. First, we have a rental home that needed new carpet when we moved in. Second, we have dogs that like to go to the same place that the previous owners animals went. So I have to steam clean pretty constantly. She ran across the Bissell Revolution infomercial one night, and then stayed up and recorded it the next night, and subsequently made me watch the entire thing, I have to appreciate the hard work and dedication to trying to sell me on the Bissell Revolution.

Being a single mom definitely had it's perks here because I got to explain to her that I can not in any way shape or form afford the 4 easy payments of $49.95, nor the one time payment of $199.80. You have to love her heart for telling me that it would make my job and life as a working mom so much easier because it was the ultimate steam cleaner and could do so much more than our regular Bissell ProHeat Pet. :)

 

Then we can't forget that she's been earning money with our new chore chart, saved it up and went to Wal-Mart and bought a Snackeez. Most kids need a Snackeez, of course. She had hers for a total of two days and the next door neighbor dropped it on the sidewalk, and the Snackeez was no more. But for the two days that she did have it, the Snackeez was her very best friend. Hers was pink camo, because she has never been a girly girl.

Next came The Copper Chef. Another recorded infomercial, and I was told to watch the entire thing. This pan could literally replace every single pan in our kitchen. If I would only just purchase it, it would make her life (and my life as a working mom) sooo much easier. She is still vying for me to purchase The Copper Chef every time we get in the kitchen and work together. Again, for a mere 3 payments of $24.99, you too can own this little nugget of culinary goodness. I am still having to explain how I can't buy the Copper Chef either, even if we were to sell every pan in our kitchen.

 

The list goes on and on. It truly is the cutest thing I have ever witnessed. She tries so hard to sell me on each and every item and records the infomercial (because I would never take her word for it). It really is the simple things in life that I love and cherish the most, and my 10 year old and her love for infomercials and Joyce Meyer are one of those simple things.

(Also, she is the one who just taught me to use the snipping tool to be able to add pictures to my blog, she's too smart for her own good)

Now, go get yourself a Copper Chef!

Done

Two steps forward, Three steps back.
I feel like that is what my life is consumed of recently. On Wednesday, I had to make the decision to ask for a continuation, or to file my paperwork. Still hopeful that the mental evaluation would provide my family with some answers of how a man could turn off his emotions and completely detach from everything including his children.

As I said before, his mom, (while pointing fingers at me the day before) told me that I should call his counselor, so I could see what he had to say. The counselor returned my call Wednesday afternoon. As I sat and talked with him he told me that I was telling a completely different story than what he had heard. I imagine so! You are dealing with a narcissistic sociopath who is possibly also bipolar, but there is no denying the way that he continues to treat his children. He knows nothing about what is going on in their lives right now, nor does he know anything about them because he is too busy pursuing his latest love interest to even get to or try to get to know them! In fact, he hasn't reached out to the oldest since May 1st, he may reach out to the 14 year old and leave her a message or two, and then the 10 year old, well he thinks that relationship is covered in a 4 minute phone call. As far as my son goes, no interest in any type of relationship with him, unless he is actually at my house visiting, then he may speak. And I see where he gets that from, after talking to the kids about their grandmother coming to visit, all of them told me they had not heard from her since February.

 

All except the 14 year old.

 

So here's a friendly public PSA on parenting:
YOU HAVE 4 CHILDREN/GRANDCHILDREN, NOT JUST ONE!! MAKE A EFFORT WITH ALL FOUR!! But then you can't figure out why the kids don't reach out and love on you? SMH.

In talking with his counselor, and me hearing yet again from another person who told me he sees nothing wrong..(and please remember this man has lied to me every day for 18 years so of course this guy believes the lies and manipulation) he told me that my husband had just "lost his spark for me" well, that's amazing since I have been told that he loves me, is in love with me, just doesn't know how to make us work and blah blah blah..so after I finished that call, I called him from my daughter's phone and of course he wouldn't discuss anything with me and he hung up in my face. I called back, and he had blocked her phone. Even later when my daughter tried to call him for the nightly phone call, it was still blocked. I decided she and I would pay him a visit, after all she cut her hair and he hasn't seen her, and I would try for the love of Pete to make some type of coparenting relationship happen, surely he would talk to me and come to some type of relationship face to face, right? It was a last ditch effort to try and make him see the importance of these relationships. And as far as the "losing the spark" went, do you realize how many times I had to sit and watch that man eat a half gallon of ice cream at night? I could've lost my spark but I did not!! We drove over to his house, and once again he was not home. On the way over, my daughter told me he spent the entire last weekend texting someone named Keyana in his phone. Please remember he changed his girlfriend's name to Wayne in the phone, now it's to my name so of course this time she wouldn't think anything of it. In that moment, I regretted asking for a continuation.

 

There is a certain level of doneness that one reaches when another one effs with her children. I reached that level of doneness back in December when he missed both girls birthday parties, my 10 year olds chorus concert, and my oldest in her last Christmas parade as a cheerleader. I blocked him entirely until he found out that my oldest had reached out to his girlfriend on facebook. Even then, he called me and told me a bunch of lies about how he barely knew the woman, they were just co-workers and that he was probably going to lose his job. My response? I don't care, I no longer care what happens to you, and as soon as I hung up, I blocked him again. He showed up the next day at my home apologized profusely and then made a sexual reference and I ended up in the bed with him and the toxic pattern starting all over again. When I heard that he replaced her name in my phone with hers, and that the same toxicity was beginning again, not to mention that he knows NOTHING about my children and what's going on in their lives, doesn't try to see them or communicate with them except when he is ready to, remains on the phone with "Keyana" when he is with them, I saw what I could be doing this time next year, and...

 

I. WAS. DONE.

My beliefs on marriage and family are very sacred to me. I have continued to not want to give up on behalf of my family still in hopes that my husband would find his way out of this hole he has dug for himself. I have 3 people in my life showing me and giving me things that he can not, and I have been keeping them on the sidelines because as I have said before, two wrongs don't make a right. After hearing my 10 year old daughter telling me that she didn't want to go back because the house was full of  bugs, and because she had no warm meals that weekend (a can of ravioli, bologna sandwich, and frozen chicken nuggets) and telling me that he had spent his time once again texting someone under a false name, I realized that I am wasting precious moments trying to hope/pray/ and wish for this man to become the father that he once was, and wasting different people's time putting them off, when I know that they would probably be better than this to me and my kids. I ended up driving to one of my friends houses in that moment and decided to close the door forever on this toxic pattern of behavior. I did, and I haven't looked back since :) I am still hopeful my children will get some answers, but I no longer care to be a part of his life, or to try and rescue his relationship with his children.

Trusting God has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. When this all began happening, I was on my face daily praying and crying out for God to change my husband. Then the prayers changed to if you aren't going to give me our husband and father back, please build us a man that will want to be the husband and father that he was not. The prayers got less and less frequent after day in and day out I saw no results. I then began praying for him and her. Hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, but also the only way that God kept me out of jail. I prayed for God to prosper the both of them, and it made me physically ill at night to pray that prayer while my husband slept with someone else. Then I still saw no results and I went through my angry/rebellious stage where I was angry with God himself for letting this continue happening to my children. Once I got past that and began working on forgiveness and self-forgiveness, I began praying and working on my relationship with God again.  I have already seen in the past week and a half that God is going to give us double the blessings for our trouble. I know that there is going to be a double rainbow at the end of our road, all He wants for me is to remain faithful.

 

Positives

After working all weekend, I got to celebrate Memorial Day with friends and family. We tried to go to the beach first but the sea lice were so bad that we got stung several times so we ended up calling it a day and going to hang with friends and swim in their pool. I had a amazing time and so did the kids. 

Out of the blue, yesterday, my mother in law called and asked if she could take My 10 year old for a week. I'm not sure why she called out of the blue but I was very short and told her my daughter was getting her hair cut. As I sat there, I thought about how we haven't heard from her, haven't gotten anything from her in months, and then this. Hopeful that enough time had passed, I started telling her about my concerns for her son via text. She then called me back, and said she tried to send a text but she didn't think it went through. I waited until I got the kids home and out of the car to return her call. I then listened for 45 minutes, while she told me everything was my fault. I tried twice to hang up and then she would reply no, no, no and then it would start up again. No genuine concern for anyone, but everything, and I mean everything was my fault right down to the affair. 

It was a slight setback, I really felt horrible again, as I do with any interaction between my husband and I and now with her. Obviously the enabling behavior is going to continue. I told her everything, and yet somehow it was my fault for letting him back in, it was my fault for continuing to let him come back. I mean horrible conversation. 

I have had many things going on this week, some good and some bad, but when I got finished with that phone call, I stopped for a minute to thank God for removing the negativity and toxicity one person at a time from my life. I have not talked to her since February, and I plan on not talking to her again for quite a while. 

On the bright side of things, The 10 year old got a phone call Monday night and again on Tuesday from her dad. Although he asked her if she wanted to get her haircut, (like I would force her somehow) he at least called and spent 4 minutes on the phone with her Monday, and 8 minutes on the phone with her Tuesday. It's a start. 

Today, I filed for a continuation on my divorce. I tried to call and talk to him this morning about things that all of my children have said in the past couple of weeks. I'm asked them how I can help their relationship improve with their dad to which both of the older ones told me I couldn't. They both expressed disinterest in continuing a relationship with him. The 14 year old said she gave him a opportunity when he took her to the orthodontist a few weeks ago, and he remained on his phone the entire time. The oldest does not want him to be a part of her senior year, nor be at her graduation. It really is sad to think that she does not want him there. I explained to him that we are still fighting for him, and our family. He told me he could tell we were fighting for him, when she says she doesn't want to him to be a part of her graduation. I tried to explain that they are hurt and say things, but it was to no avail. He is not receiving the messages I was sending. 

I am still hopeful that at some point my husband will come around, that he will be the father that God has called him to be. If it comes out that there is a problem, I'm hopeful that the medications will make a difference. If there isn't, I hope that he realizes the most important things in life are his children and that he starts to want to spend more time with them rebuilding so that all of the memories aren't missed. 

In the meantime, I'm reveling in each beautiful moment that I get to be a part of..the excitement of the ending of the school year and beginning of Summer. The excitement of college tours and the senior year, from boys to breakups..tears and joy, I get to be a part of every single moment. I missed a lot of them over the past few months, but now I'm taking the time to not only revel in them but enjoy each one of them completely. ❤️

Boundaries

 I just spent the last 4 days at work trying my best to use the talent that God gave me to save babies lives. It's sad when work seems like a vacation these days due to the current status of your life at home. I feel like we are moving in the right direction, albeit very S-L-O-W-L-Y.

After the scenario played out Tuesday and Wednesday. He returned back to his apartment. I had already taken my 1/2 of Lunesta to go to sleep to prepare for work the next day. For some reason, the night before I head back for my four twelve hour shifts in a row, I have a very restless night. My co-workers and I have been discussing this for a few months now. We aren't nervous, but maybe it's just the anticipation itself, or that fear that you are going to miss your alarm for work, either way, it's frustrating.

I had been asleep probably around 30 minutes when my two oldest arrived home from church and the 14 year old was beside herself. I asked her what was wrong, to which she replied her daddy had called her and told her he was not going to be able to take her shopping this weekend. It was promised to her that he would take her shopping for new Summer clothes, and she had been counting down the weeks for over a month. I called him and asked what was up, and he replied that he never said that. He then called her with me on 3-way and when he was trying to explain what he said, she exclaimed "THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SAID" and then hung up. The next call I was conferenced into was one from my 17 year old saying mean things to her daddy because he made her sister cry. I corrected her and told her it was not okay for her to talk to her father like that, especially after coming home from church. Then a fight between the two little ones broke out in the kitchen and I had to hang up and deal with that.

All of this under the influence of Lunesta.

After I got everyone calmed down, I went back to sleep. The next morning I saw where he had called and texted me, so I shot him a text about the 14 year old, and then one about the 17 year old. I explained that I was going to get us all into some support groups, so that we can better deal with when he says one thing and does another, and we can react differently. He called and began screaming at me that I let his daughter talk to him horribly, (I told him I had called her down on the phone and then when we got off the phone) and then told me that I was his mental illness. He said that he was so glad that Jesus was working in my home, because she was acting ugly right after church, just horrible mean things. Finally refusing to listen to the hatefulness anymore, I hung up. He called back and I explained to him that I no longer have to be treated this way, and that it was not okay. I explained that the best thing I can do for my children and I is to learn and educate ourselves as much as possible, and that I had to be the strong one for them because right now he wasn't capable. He obviously didn't like that answer because within the 10 minutes of us hanging up, he blocked me. He made sure I knew too, by sending me a email at 7:11 a.m. my first day back to work of 4 12 hour shifts.

The emails went back and forth All. Day. Long. I had someone come in early for me so I could make it to my first support group meeting. I drove all the way from Pensacola to Fort Walton, but I was so glad that I did. Not only did they give me great advice, but useful websites that I could go to for more support groups and education. When I explained all of the madness that I had encountered over the past 9 months, they agreed that it was more than likely bipolar. First of all, when I mentioned that he told me that he was going through a "Spiritual Awakening" they told me to google Bipolar vs. Spiritual Awakening. Then when I explained that overnight, he didn't love me, acted differently towards the children, began disappearing, started using drugs and alcohol, had crude sexual thoughts, had an affair, had grandiose thoughts that alternated with paranoid thoughts, thought I was the enemy, thought the kids were awful, the dogs were awful, everything in his life was awful, had to reinvent himself as a man, etc. they told me to go to websites and read the stories that were just like mine. I couldn't believe it when I got home that night and did just that. They also told me that I had to set boundaries, and that would prove to be one of the hardest but one of the most rewarding things I have done yet.

He was certain to point out not once, but three times on Tuesday and Wednesday that this was how a co-parenting relationship should be. I recognize that, but it's very hard to do when within 24 hours, the other co-parent has gone from being comfortable enough to lie in bed with you and your daughter, back to screaming at you that "you are his mental illness" and blocking you, when you never even called him! Thursday when I arrived back from the meeting, the 14 year old, had quickly gotten over the travesty of not getting her Summer clothes, and had made plans for the entire weekend. She no longer cared to go with her dad. The 10 year old stated she just wanted to stay with me. She offered no reason for it, just politely declined. I think it's particularly hard for them to see us together, and things going so well and then it goes back to whatever. I also think the house being infested with bugs weirded her out, even though I have told her as he has told her the bugs are no longer there. I still did not press the issue. I was forced to go to my dad's when I was young, and the abuse I suffered while there was enough to know that I'm not going to force my children to do anything.

Friday, day 2 of my 12 hour shifts, was also back and forth with emails. He asked if the girls were going to come with him, and I explained no. He went on to accuse me of trying to keep them from him, I explained no, I just wasn't going to push the issue. I explained that I went back and forth with him all day Thursday and then called him when I got off work to try and continue the co-parenting relationship, and his agenda was more important. He accused me of calling him to "record the conversation" I explained that I wasn't calling with any such thing, that I had actually downloaded a free call app because he had my number blocked. I explained that the support group had told me I needed to work on boundaries, in which he accused them of making boundaries to not see his children. No, not at all, Boundaries were in place that there would be no more stopping by the house, coming in the house, etc. because all it does is confuse everyone, and boundaries are placed to help restore order and calm in your home.

When he was involved with the woman from Tampa, he wanted every other weekend only, so that is what we need to work toward. He can call the children and talk with them, but if they block his number because they are tired of what he is doing to all of us, I can't control that. I also can't control his relationship with his kids, (and he has 4, not 3 as he has previously made seem so important) He has cared for my son in the same home since he was 6 months old!

I ended by sending him links to different bipolar stories that were similar to our circumstance. I offered him love and  support, but explained we had to do it from a distance. I told him that I hoped he understood that there were links, support groups, books, and classes that all were saying similar or exact things that he has said and done to me, and that wasn't all just a coincidence and asked if he recognized that it wasn't just a coincidence. His reply was that there was no need for us to talk any further unless it was about the kids. 5:00 on a Friday, just in time for the weekend. We haven't heard from him since.

Boundaries are a good thing, in the past 48 hours, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now I'm back to the important questions of life "Mom, who is picking me up from the party?" to my own question to myself, "How is my hair growing out from this cut asymmetrically?" I had dinner with a friend both nights, and the children have been exuberantly bouncing around the house again with joy. I have been spending a ton of time with them lately, trying to let them see that mom is here and she is the rock. Once I began researching BPD, and realizing that this is truly what I may be dealing with, viewing it as a illness sure helped. I no longer was worried about me and what all I did wrong, I just decided that moving forward for me and the kids was going to have to be done, no matter what because we could no longer stay stuck. I also came to realize that this is something going on inside him, and that you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. His counselor, after all feels like there is nothing wrong with him. ;) I feel if I default to the position that our loved one’s ability to respond appropriately is impaired due to illness and I try to adopt a problem solving, rather than blaming, posture I will generally have more positive outcomes.

Self love also has to be number one for me and my children right now, and becoming more self aware of how we react to the craziness when we have to be a part of it. Memorial Day is tomorrow and I have pretty great days planned to spend trying to once again restore some normalcy to my home, and to enjoy these days off. Boundaries. Boundaries are a good thing!

Bipolar Disorder

I would like to clear up any misconception about my discussion on this topic prior to writing this blog. My husband was told by a mental health professional on April 12th, after she had spent several sessions with me, with my children, and three with my husband that there was a chance that indeed he could be Bipolar. He has a evaluation set up for June 14th, and could not get in any sooner, but as of today he has not been diagnosed as Bipolar.

Throughout the years, my husbands moods have been unstable. He has been happy one minute and then upset and yelling the next. Several years ago, I told him I was concerned and that I thought he needed to be on medication. At that time, he got on Wellbutrin. The Wellbutrin seemed to have helped, but after several years, it did not seem to be as effective. I have one best friend that I grew up with, and has known me my whole life. We don't talk all of the time, but when we do, I update her. We were having coffee over facetime last week, and she told me then "You have always said he was bipolar" Wow. I didn't even realize that I had probably used that term loosely when describing the mood fluctuations to my best girlfriend on the phone! Even though I was a nurse, and had some experience with psychiatric nursing, I did not know or really begin to understand BPD until my counselor mentioned it on the 12th.

When she mentioned that to him, I began researching everything I could. I knew my husband was diagnosed with Adult ADHD at the age of 19 at Vanderbilt Medical Center. In fact, when I met him, he was on Ritalin. He shook so bad in his hands because he took the Ritalin with around two liters of Mountain Dew, and it was very noticeable. He got off the Ritalin soon after we were married and tried Adderall, Adderall didn't seem to help with the focus and concentration, and had some less than desirable side affects, so he didn't take any medication for the majority of our marriage. Impulse control was a problem, so was holding down a job, and my favorite was making permanent decisions based on temporary emotions. It's very hard when you watch someone you love struggle the way he would. Simple tasks turned into near impossible tasks, or tasks that involved hours and hours of intensive labor.

As the wife of someone with ADHD, it was very frustrating to say the very least. I would clearly state time and again things that I might need his help with or need from him, and those things would not get done. I don't know if it was attention span thing, or exactly what it was, but then he would sort of spin his wheels doing other things to make me happy, when really I just needed the simple things done. Sometimes I felt like I was a mother instead of a wife.

When I began researching Bipolar Disorder, I was intrigued to find out that a lot of people diagnosed with ADHD are truly misdiagnosed and are actually Bipolar. I ran across the website
www.bphope.com clicked on relationships and begin to read on the forums of other people who were sharing their stories and there was my life. I could go back to year one of us being together and see the similarities or actually the EXACT same stories that were played out in my life over the years. I also got the book Fast Girl: A Life Spent Running from Madness by Suzy Favor Hamilton and listened to it on my audible in one day. I could not believe the similarities, and even some of the exact things that she said to her husband that my own husband has said to me. It was truly almost scary. I even reached out to her via Twitter to thank her for being honest with her struggle because a lot of it mimicked my life.

http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20436786,00.html

When I came across the above article, I really started to lean towards the fact that maybe this wasn't a midlife crisis after all, and began leaning towards that it was more than likely a true mental illness.

First, great mood. Bipolar disorder is characterized by up and down episodes of mania and depression. For the year following all of this happening, my husband had lost his job and had told me he was depressed. When all of this began to happen, he almost had a elated mood, like a euphoria. In fact, when I had discovered him to be at his girlfriend's house, he had called me prior to the job interview, we talked like best friends, he called me after the interview, we talked like best friends, and then he told me he was going to have dinner with his boss. When he called me back, he was in a manic phase for sure, so much so that the girlfriend that I had on the phone as a witness thought that he may be using drugs. He was talking 100 miles a minute and had intricate details of going to a bar with a boss, having drinks with the boss, exchanging Christmas presents with this boss, and how great the boss told him he was going to do with this company. All of it was lies, when he asked if I was having him followed and I replied, yes, He suddenly switched his tune and drove 6 hours back to me. He swore he had not had an affair that was the first time he had met her and that he wanted to work it out with me. He slept for 4 hours out of 72. This was a definite stage of mania. And for the months following he would leave town, come back and offer up this crazy extensive story with details and would sware he had been faithful. Extensive stories about things he did with other people and people who didn't even exist. He would rattle these stories off with such excitement that you had no other choice but to believe him. I always let him back in.

Second, Inability to complete tasks. Even though I wasn't living with him at this time, it was quite apparent that the only tasks that were being completed was her and then me. His job was suffering, his apartment was suffering, and most importantly his relationships were suffering. He didn't stop one thing and start another, he had several incomplete things going on all at once.

Third, Depression. Though I had not been with him, I was allowed to accompany him to his medical visit to see his primary care physician with whom he spoke of a major depression that he had been suffering through this past year. She asked if he felt like they needed to change his medications, but he swore he didn't need it. He did. He still does.

Fourth, Irritability. If you have read any of my blog, I need to say nothing more.

Fifth, Rapid speech. I never even knew what this was until I started reading about BPD. Rapid speech or pressured speech is where the person talks rapidly (as evidenced by the night he was caught) and even begins talking over you. All three of our counseling sessions were with him talking over me, and any phone call that we have is him telling me to shut the eff up over and over and over and then if I try to complete my sentence, he would talk over me. That is why we communicate in email form. It's counterproductive to say the very least.

Sixth, Trouble at Work. He is now rapidly approaching his third job of 2016, and it was nothing for us to often have 5-7 W-2's to fill out at the end of every year.

Seventh, Alcohol or Drug Abuse. Since all of this began, my husband has began drinking and smoking pot daily. The drinking not so often since the night of the refrigerator incident, but still. the pot, yes, daily. Prior to this, he maybe smoked weed twice in 18 years.

Eighth, Erratic Behavior. as if the hypersexuality wasn't enough, the grandiose thoughts and topics of conversation were bizarre.]From traveling to Spirit Quest and drinking Ahyauesca, to traveling this Summer to Thailand, California, all over the gulf coast, etc.  People were coming to stay with him, he was going here and there, etc. Then we can't forget we are all just "mini-gods". Along with the grandiose thoughts came paranoid ones as well. When asked if he had bed bugs, he came back with I could have anyone inspect his premises at any time. No one wanted that! I just needed to know what kind of bugs were there because they were in my daughter's bed because that could seriously be a problem. I have been accused of everything over and over and most the time I am dumbfounded that he would think that I would spend my time coming up with the craziness!

Ninth, Sleep problems. They have been ever more apparent as this has played out. He either barely sleeps, or sleeps a lot. There is no in between.

Tenth, Flight of ideas, often what happens prior to experiencing Pressured speech. Thoughts racing out of control. Name calling, over and over telling me to shut the eff up. It's truly been a very trying time.

As I said before, my husband has not been officially diagnosed, but if this blog sounds like something you have been through or have watched a loved one go through, then I encourage you to do your research on Bipolar Disorder. As the lady from NAMI told me today, there is hope, don't give up hope because there is a very good chance that once on medication, he will want to begin picking up the pieces of his life back up. Peace be with you, and with me and my family as this emotional roller coaster unfolds.

Forces Unite

As if my life weren't hectic enough, last night after staying up until almost 1:30 catching up my blog, and purging all of my thoughts, I had just dozed off to sleep when my 14 year old came in crying. She stated she had a nightmare about her daddy and wanted me to call him urgently. I told her to come in and lie down, but then in the doorway of my room was my son's friend who had been staying with us since our lives had taken this unfortunate turn. I asked what happened and to my horror I was told that this 19 year old man had entered my daughter's room and hid at the end of her bed, and touched her feet.

I. WAS. LIVID. 

My first response was to get my son up and tell him what was going on, My second response was to tell this man to get the hell out of my house, in fact as far from it as he could while I processed what had just happened, my daughter was beside herself because naturally she was startled awake by a man hiding at the end of her bed. After I told him he needed to leave, I called my husband and told him to come immediately. He did. 

For the first time in a long time, we were able to put our own feelings aside and handle this fiasco. Once again, another man that I had put trust in, and that had given me no reason to not trust him, had broken my trust. He had been hanging with my son day in and day out for about a year before our situation happened, and the thought process was to let him stay and begin to pay rent to prepare him and my son for moving out on their own in June of this year. He moved in In October, and was the model roommate. Paid rent on time, helped around the house. Never gave any of us a single reason not to trust him. Somewhere along the lines, those boundaries were crossed. 

My husband came over and laid down with me and my daughter once we collected the information to the story, and helped me comfort her until she fell asleep. Around 4:30 a.m. he left and went home. I woke up and got the kids ready for school, and drove the 14 year old and dropped her off. Due to little sleep, I woke up with a migraine and had to come back and lie in bed with a ice pack on my head for several hours. At 11:00 he showed back up to ensure that I was not alone when the man came back to retrieve his things from my house. 

I can not tell you how comforting it was to have him here. He ended up going back to work and then coming back later this afternoon when the young man finally showed up. His father came to pick him up and the situation was handled to say the least. Once again we laid on the bed while debriefing with the kids, and we talked with them and then he was able to leave. 

During this time, I received a call from a lady from NAMI, (National Alliance On Mental Illness) I had reached out to them to ask about a support group for Bipolar Disorder and families of loved ones with BPD. I explained all of the events over the past 9 months, and she spent almost 40 minutes explaining to me how much this sounded like a true Bipolar Episode with even some cycling, and told me my next steps were to get into the support group and go from there. Prior to her calling, he had told me that there was a good chance he was fixing to lose his job. I explained to her that it was like this all the time and that we had a divorce hearing rapidly approaching, She gave me steps and coping skills to put into place to be more stable for my children. 

I then came back into the house, we were able to handle the rest of this situation and he left. It was nice to see him back in tune with me, but due to the stressful situation he was full of anger and rage. I expected that though because I was full of it as well. I still remain hopeful for a miracle in our marriage, but I was thankful that he was there for me and there for my kids for the first time since he had left the last time.

God was definitely in this situation today. A man did not lose his life, and for that I'm thankful. I'm also thankful for him answering part of my prayer and beginning to be here for the children. He had a appointment again this evening, and said he would call us again tonight. I'm thankful that he stepped up to the plate, even though he told me several times that "This is what co-parenting should be" Yes, I'm completely aware, but when you can't stop raging long enough to even communicate with your wife, then that's not a environment conducive to being able to co-parent. Today, I'm rejoicing in the fact that my children are safe and happy and that prayers are being answered one day at a time.

May

When I left off, I had talked to him on the phone pretty much until May 4th. I told him I needed more help with the kids when I was working 12 hour shifts. The goal was for him to bring the kids dinner the next day. Since the 27th of April, with his last abrupt leave, my girls had very little to do with him. It wasn't as if he was trying too terribly hard, as I said he was the number one thing on his mind. That was evidenced by Thursday, May 5th. He told me he had been out to buy my Mother's Day gift that day, and then stated he would be taking them dinner, so they would be fed. He was also going to take our 14 year old to softball practice. I went ahead and made plans to have dinner with a friend after work for Cinco De Mayo. Imagine my surprise when my 17 year old called me in a tizzy stating "He's left town again, mom" I asked her what she meant and she stated that he had left my other daughter at softball and took off out of town. The entire pattern of behavior had began again.
Before calling me, they had tried to call him where their calls were either blocked or denied and sent to voicemail. They were beside themselves. I finally get a hold of him, (after I paid for my dinner, and left) to which he told me he was coming to apologize to both me and my oldest daughter. He claimed he had been at a dinner meeting for yet his 3rd job of 2016, but he then showed up at my house in a Jimi Hendryx t-shirt and plaid shorts. My daughter asked him if he had gone to the business meeting in that, to which he replied "Yes, it was just casual" visibly upset, she left the room and left the gifts that he gave her there on the chair. He did not offer me any apology. Just told me it was no longer any of my business what he does in his time and left. He claimed he would see me on Sunday for Mother's Day. Again, I am thankful for his now ex girlfriend, because of course I texted her first thinking he was gone to her. She was busy with family but told me absolutely not!

With that, it all began again. Getting the 10 year old only when he has to get her, and not hearing from him any other time. Last Thursday, he had taken the 14 year old on spur of the moment notice to the orthodontist for me, and picked the 10 year old up from chorus. He did not prepare them dinner, or make sure they had dinner, but I was still thankful for the help and told him so via e-mail. That night, I got off work because I knew he was making a deposit of child support that day. Or my bank account had $4.29 in it and I had 1/4 of a tank to get home and no way to pick up dinner for the kids. Because he has been so hostile with me, I was no longer accepting calls, and we communicated via email only. So I emailed to ask if he had made a deposit and......Crickets. No answer all the way back from the 40 minute drive in which I stopped by his house just to see if he could float me a $20 to get through until he could make a deposit.

Shocking, he wasn't home. In fact, he was with someone else, even though he denied it. By the time I made it home, the kids were asleep with no dinner. Still, no empathy, no remorse, even though I had told him on Tuesday how short I was on money. No anything but emails stating he would deposit the next day. I then tried to call him from my daughters phone, and he just sat there, stating he had not been with anyone else and blah. blah. blah. This was the third week that we had gone through the same pattern of behavior, and so at this point I gave up. The next morning, I drove over to his house and tried to communicate with him face to face, but he was being so hateful to me that it was impossible and so I drove to the courthouse to file the rest of my paperwork. I finally got him to call me and I sat on the phone crying, begging, and pleading for him not to make me do this but he was adamant. 40 minutes later, with tears streaming down my face, I walked into the courthouse to file the remaining paperwork and....

The System Was Down.

The system was down from the storm, and at that point there was nothing I could do. I emailed him and let him know that this was God's way of not wanting our marriage to be broken. His reply was "Or it's just a storm" He talked to me some more, that afternoon and our conversation about our marriage ending was heavy, but then I noticed he was whistling. No Empathy, No Remorse. I begged him not to go be with anybody else and to consider what all we had talked about that day and his response was "You vastly overestimate me, Geez" but that night, he was seen by a friend of mine from work out with another woman. When I called him on Saturday morning, he had again blocked my number, and when I finally got a hold of him, He did tell me that he was with her, but that she was just a friend. I was sad, but went into self preservation mode. No more could I take being treated this way. It wasn't fair.

It also wasn't fair to my kids, whom as of today (Tuesday) had not heard from him since last Thursday. My 14 year old called him 8 times in a row on Saturday, and even though I sent him a copy of the call log, he states he only missed one call. They try to reach out to him, and he either doesn't answer, sends them to voicemail, or can't help get them to where they need to be, yet after his weekend of fun he comes around to trying to talk to them again. He doesn't understand that the lies that he isn't with someone else, coupled with the fact that last week when he was actually with the 14 year old, he spent the entire time sitting on his phone claiming he was emailing me, and that ignoring the calls only sets them back. It sets them back and then when he is ready to get his toys off the shelf and play with them, they aren't interested. THIS BEHAVIOR INFURIATES ME. As their mother, I am totally invested. In fact, A few weeks ago I met a great guy, but then decided that two wrongs don't make a right, so I didn't pursue it. I feel that the most important thing right now is working on me, and devoting all of my time and attention to them since he is no longer able. So although I was flagged down, with the kids in the car, on the way home from the beach this week, and would have loved to have gotten to know that person better, throughout the next few weeks/months I'm going to focus on being the best mom/dad to them that I can because obviously right now he isn't capable of doing such.

Today, I ran across a ultramatch on my Plenty of Fish account. Back when I thought there was no hope for he and I, I set it up and began looking around my area to eventually meet someone. I logged on today and there in my ultramatch was none other than my husbands account. His religion: New age, He's a free thinker, wants more kids, only smokes on occasion, does not do drugs, and drinks socially. Many things stuck out to me here. One, we were a ultramatch. Two, He wants more children? He has FOUR that he's struggling with now!!!!! Three, He smokes around 2 ppd, drinks daily, and smokes marijuana. Once again, starting his life out a lie. I called him from my little one's phone and asked him what he meant he wanted more children. He stated he did not. I asked him if had plans to leave his family and start a new one with someone else, to which he replied no. Then he began being ugly to me again. When we hung up, he called back and asked to talk to our 10 year old. She did not want to talk to him, which was then blamed on me. He then said he would see me Friday at 6 to which I explained that she does not want to go with him because last time his house was infested with bugs. He continued to blame this on me, and told me that I wasn't helping foster a relationship. I explained that I had helped him and told her the bugs were gone, but of course I had not. It was like talking in a riddle. He will now be showing up on Friday to pick her up with a sheriff. I don't understand what he wants me to do, he has told me anytime before that she didn't want to stay that he wouldn't press the issue. He has hardly ever taken his full time with her always bringing her home early or by a couple of hours or even a day. I am not going to force her to go because I was forced to go to my dad's and I had resentment about that. It's going to be a uphill climb to say the least.

About that anger with God, after going to a couple of church services and realizing that I had to let things go, I finally did. It was then that I realized that God is going to handle this entire situation in his own time. I can choose to remain angry and bitter, but the only person I am hurting is myself. What kind of mother would I be if I was full of anger and resentment? That's not setting a good example! God loves me enough to forgive every sin in my life, even when I can't forgive myself. His Grace and Mercy is new every day. Since all of this began, I have prayed that If God wasn't going to give me my husband back, that he would build a man that is perfect for us, and I have to trust that He is in the process of doing just that. Meanwhile, lots of bonding time happening around here. The girls and I have been cooking and baking, and getting into a new routine of not depending on him, but depending on each other. My 10 year old is grabbing her bible and reading it to me now, and the other girls are still going to church every week. Prayers are being answered every single day, even though I don't deserve them to be. So you see, I'm the only Jesus that my kids and other people around me are going to see right now, and I want Him to one day take my hand and say Well done, my good and faithful servant. Until then, I have faith that everything will work out in His timing, and that Love will prevail.