Yesterday

Yesterday was quite eventful.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up at 5 am with chest pain that continued from the day before with vomiting and diarrhea. This went on until 8 am, when I finally knew I was depleted and needed to go to the ER for a bag of fluid. The only time I had ever experienced anything as crazy as that was the time my husband and I both had food poisoning years and years ago. My oldest took me and because of the horrible pain, they did some tests, gave me some fluids and sent me on my way. Morphine and Zofran on board, I went home and slept off and on, when not vomiting for the rest of the day. Wednesday, I woke up and still couldn't even keep water down. Imagine this when you have children wanting to pick them up from a friends house etc etc. It was awful. My oldest was at work, and I knew I had no business driving, I only had phenergan left over from a visit a while back, and it had knocked me out the night before. I went ahead and put my little one in the car, went and picked up the 14 year old, and then went to the doctor with my head hanging over a trash can.

When I got back to the office, I had to wait for quite a while and was still vomiting and vomiting, They came in and loaded me down with IM zofran and that helped, but I was in a nice little ball on the table waiting for what seemed to be an eternity for the doctor. She came in, pushed around on me and sent me into orbit, the next thing I know she is calling the ambulance. Wait what? Why an ambulance? I explained I could drive, but nope she would not let me because I had already been medicated. I had thought earlier to let their dad know that he would need to cover dinner, I was too sick to be able to fix anything for them. The nurse went and got my children from the waiting room and brought them back, we all began trying to call him to just come get them for me because they would not ride in the ambulance...He lives literally 3 blocks from the doctor's office..and I know that everyone is going to be shocked to know, but he could not pick them up.

First off, 19 years. I gave the man 19 years, He has always been a not so great caregiver when I am sick, but this, this was nuts. I just needed him to come get the kids and take care of them, and he couldn't even do that. My gf was at work on the other side of  Pensacola (I would later find out so was he)  and then my oldest was at work in Ft. Walton. It was finally decided that a complete stranger would bring the girls to the ER with them once the office closed. I was too sick to understand what all was going on, as I did not have enough fluid on board, but once I made it to the ER, got some fluids, got the medications, and my oldest got there angry, I realized exactly what had transpired.

Here's the thing, I'm mistaken as stupid by him weekly. But I question his intelligence daily. My 17 year old daughter had to them take on the parenting role once again, leave work, drive to the hospital, have her best friend take her car and my children back to the house, feed my children, and then bring the car back to her. She then had to call her boyfriend to make sure he could come stay with the girls, and as I said before assume the parenting role because once again, their father did not and..

She was livid.

I had known for a couple of weeks that he was indeed seeing someone in Warrington, almost an hour from him. Why? because I have him followed every time he begins treating my children bad. My oldest, however, found out for herself with a little detective work. She was chomping at the bit, and I couldn't blame her. We finally got home around 11 after stopping to get my car, and doing things that she shouldn't have had to do.


The next morning, she got up and still felt the same and begged me to take a drive with her. I told her I would not, that she was simply beating a dead horse, and there was no reason to try and talk to either of them, I had been down that road before. She told me she was going to drop me off, and go herself, or she was going to take me home, wait for her friend and then go because I was opposed to going, but refused to let her go that far, into that area by herself. So after my electricity got cut off, and I got that handled (because you know he was going to give me more money based on his new salary, but he has not) I went to get the kids something to eat. When she pulled away from Zaxby's  I knew exactly what she was doing.

The closer we got, the more angry she got, so I made her pull over and let me drive. As we pulled in, the new girlfriend was just getting out of her car. Of course I asked her her name and if she was dating my husband, and she said yes. And then I said well, you can tel him this doesn't stop until he's good to his kids. She explained that he had been trying, and I explained yes I am fully aware of the bs that he feeds his ladies, and then before I could say anything else, my oldest was out of the car. She told her that since he began seeing her, she had not seen her dad. She explained that when she got MRSA in her leg months ago, he wasn't there, and again for her car wreck, he wasn't there. She explained that he was treating her and her sibings horribly and that she would no longer stand for it. She explained that I was in the hospital, and the girl just sat there completely unmoved. She did inform me that they weren't sleeping together..they never are, dear. I wanted to tell her she better get checked for the surprise he left me, but I decided she can find that one out on her own. So sick as snot, and not feeling my best, I went there with my daughter and let her say her peace. the lady just sat there with a dumb look on her face. I decided in that moment they were meant for each other.

As soon as she got back in the car, she began crying and asked if she could call his ex girlfriend. She said she was NOT his ex girlfriend, that she was a horrible person who just stood there and had no empathy for anything she was saying. I explained that she would need to calm down and then if she felt the need to call her, she could. She was saying she was so much sweeter and that she knew now why I liked her and got along with so well with her. I explained that probably was because she truly was a decent person that identified with being a single mom, who knew that he was a liar. After all, he was sleeping with me, and then going back to her, and then back to me...and I had no reason to lie to her. My kids can tell their own story. I don't know if she ever called her last night or not, I think between the two of them that I would have heard. I know she has seen the love and compassion that she has shown me, and has been coming to terms with being accepting of her.

My oldest took the wheel back down the road, and drove to her father's house. Of course he had ran after the new girlfriend much like he had driven to Tampa to save the last time. Notice I said save the relationship with his new piece, not with his children. She texted and called him and for a while planted herself on his doorstep. I finally begged her that staging a sit in was not the right answer. She then told me that she was going to take me home, and come back with her best friend. At this point, my white flag was up and I was surrendering. I didn't care what she did.

As we pulled into the drive, I received a email that he had notified the police in Santa Rosa and in Gulf Breeze. Awesome. Call them on your children, call them on me, do what you need to do. The smart thing would have probably be to wait for her to get there, listened to what they all had to say, and faced the music for once, but no he did not. In fact, he told me to control her. I am the parent after all. Well, here's the thing..she didn't need controlling until he did all of this to us, so how about you be the dad and come control her? Good luck.

He went back and forth with me telling me if I had money to have him followed and blah blah blah and I told him to keep lying with dogs, he will catch the fleas. And then of course today, everyone is blocked, he doesn't answer the phone when the little kids tried to call this evening, and he waited until almost 4:00 to give me my child support, I'm sure my punishment for letting my daughter feel her feelings and walk in her truth.

As I sit here, I  am sure I am being called a liar and a hypocrite by the biggest hypocrite of all. I no longer care. I realize that I can't change the man's behavior, but I can continue to hold him accountable for being a good parent to his children. I have made questionable choices in the past, but I tried to come to him, build a friendship, make things work, and tried to go that route. He wants to make her be a priority and place his kids on the back burner, and eventually he will be the one that gets burned. According to section 7 of the parenting class, it will be here quicker than he can realize.

There isn't a Christian thing I can say in this blog. I need Sunday morning, as bad as I needed the phenergan this week. I am watching and listening to Joyce, but right now I am numb, I think its the point when you realize he is scraping the bottom of the barrel and that no matter how you feel at the moment, you know he could do so much better, and no matter how godly of a woman you are or you aren't, you give up because you realize even Jesus can't fix that. I know in my heart that God could do it, and probably would do it, but the man has to be willing to surrender to that will, and he just is not going to do that.

The Fourth

Life has been extremely busy lately for the children and I. So I'm just now getting to post. Let me first say that during the following events and during past conversation, I have been told that even if I have changed, that the first time he makes me mad, I will take to my Twitter or to my blog to make him look like a bad person. 

I don't have to make him look like anything, he already does a great job of that by himself. I merely record the events as they go by. Also, I've been told what a hypocrite I am, and if I am for protecting my children, then so be it. 

The weekend before the 4th, is always a big deal. We had friends coming into town and were looking forward to the time we would get to spend with them. I stopped on the way home from work to have dinner with them and got a call from the oldest that was in the Zaxby's bathroom crying because she missed her dad. I offered to come, but she said she was fine. When she got home that night, she wasn't. She claimed to have seen him turning by the Walgreens in Gulf Breeze so she knew he was in town, and she was upset. Saturday came and went and I enjoyed spending time with friends but on Sunday, I woke up with anger and discord in my spirit. He had not contacted his kids, nor me other than email, and if I could remember him telling my ex if he couldn't do better than that, that he needed to terminate his parental rights so I woke up thinking I was going to ask for that, because I was so tired of someone being placed in front of his children. I went ahead and got ready for church and took my girls, even though I had that angry spirit over me, and when I got there, the pastor had a altar call. The girls and I went forward, and out of the blue a lady placed her hand on my shoulder and told me she wanted to pray with me. She then spoke about a 20 minute prayer over me that let me know that God still wanted me to fight. Even saying that my marriage was bare bones, but God could renew it and form it with a new skin. Powerful.

I emailed him, told him I was sorry, that I loved him, and that I hoped we could talk later. He said he would call. When he called me that night I led off with how I woke up, how I was feeling, and then the prayer. I told him the next day was the 4th, the first 4th without him and that I hoped he would please stop by and see the kids, or make an attempt to see the kids. I told him God didn't want this for our marriage or for our family. I went on and on, parts were uncomfortable, but I could tell he was hearing me. But that's a little hard to do when you are already with someone else. So truly, it fell on deaf ears.

The 4th came and went and he didn't stop by. It was still a great day, and my kids had a great time! 

On the 5th at 8:00 I got a email saying he hoped we had a great 4th. I wrote back that we were disappointed that we didn't get to see him. Then began the barrage of emails back and forth, (because it doesn't matter how I meant it, he takes it the exact opposite way) until I finally drove over there and told him that we had to be friends first and foremost because I don't care who he is seeing, this constant drama was driving me insane. We go back and forth, and when I get up to leave, I notice a female skull and crossbones key and a orange key on his key ring and I mentioned that he had her key on there.  I just shook my head and walked out. He then ran after me and said that no, that key was the only one they had at the store, he told me to come back in and I said, I am holding you accountable to being a good dad. You would do it to me, and I just want us to be friends. 

We left on a good note and he unblocked my number. Throughout the week we texted here and there, and then on Friday, I took my 10 year old and my 14 year old to meet him. They went to dinner, and as I drove to meet my friend in Alabama to have dinner of my own, the girls were snapchatting and sending me pictures of him just sitting there. Not talking, not interacting, not even the same dad. 

My ten year old decided she didn't want to spend the night. I was really hopeful too because mom needed adult time, and because she had packed a bag, but he began texting that she wasn't. So I finally got in the car and drove back to come get her. He had a headcold so I asked him if there was anything I could bring him, since he had already dropped her off, he said No that he was fine. I told him that we loved and missed him. He would not acknowledge that. You know 19 years and 4 kids, you could acknowledge at least that. 

Saturday was much of the same, I got up, went to work, and then went out to dinner with my friend. He had already texted that she didn't want to spend the night and asked if he could hang out with her at the house. I said yes, but then came the texts at 9:30 wanting to know where I was and when I would be home. Finally at 10:30 I said I was on my way. Got home, he was sitting on the bed, and things were awkward but okay. He left after we talked for a bit. I didn't think watching him walk away would be hard for me, but it was. Even though I see where my future is headed, it's hard to let the past go out the door, but again before I knew that he truly was just lying and was seeing someone else. It's not that I am stupid, even though I am often mistaken for such. It's that when he has a conversation with you and promises you he is telling the truth, you want desperately to believe him. That is the hardest part about pathological lying.

On Sunday, he didn't get my 10 year old at all because she didn't want to go. He texted and told me. No worries. He will figure it out one day. 

On Monday this week, I texted him to tell him that was the first chance I had gotten to talk to our oldest and that she had told me my youngest ended her conversation she was crying. I then texted him back and forth telling him it saddens me to see the relationship with his children be in such shambles, that God doesn't want that for our children..and he entertained it until time to head to see his new girlfriend and then he blocked me.

So in other words he can bug me the entire night that I'm out, but he can block me the minute he goes to be with her? Because that would take him being HONEST with her about how we text, and that's one thing he isn't. Honest. 

So Monday I talked to the kids once I got home from work and lunch with my friend, and I told them they could talk to their dad. We waited until he got home that night and I took them over there, and they were crying their eyes out and I told him you can start help picking up these pieces. Instead, he just recorded my conversation of telling him I'm sick of him treating them like that and if he couldn't do better, I wanted him to terminate his rights. He was stoned when we got there, so imagine my surprise when we noticed him sleeping half way through. No empathy, no remorse, nothing for his babies crying. 

I have 11 more days to be married to this thing that used to be one of the greatest men I thought I knew. He always had a problem with lying, but I seriously can not believe where he is now. As the rest of the week unfolds, you will see that he truly doesn't care, what happens to me or to his children, it's all about chasing that next piece of tail. I mean left me, for her, then we called him on it together, and she left him, and then he's right back into something else.  Stop for just a moment and chase your kids instead of chasing that! 

Anger with God is at a all time high again because I don't understand why He keeps letting my kids go through this hurt and anger, but I also know it's for a purpose to make them stronger.  I find it hard to pray during this time, but I know that eventually I will come through stronger as well, but I will take my last dying breath trying to make him be better to his kids. They see that and know that, and for that I'm thankful.