I just spent the last 4 days at work trying my best to use the talent that God gave me to save babies lives. It's sad when work seems like a vacation these days due to the current status of your life at home. I feel like we are moving in the right direction, albeit very S-L-O-W-L-Y.
After the scenario played out Tuesday and Wednesday. He returned back to his apartment. I had already taken my 1/2 of Lunesta to go to sleep to prepare for work the next day. For some reason, the night before I head back for my four twelve hour shifts in a row, I have a very restless night. My co-workers and I have been discussing this for a few months now. We aren't nervous, but maybe it's just the anticipation itself, or that fear that you are going to miss your alarm for work, either way, it's frustrating.
I had been asleep probably around 30 minutes when my two oldest arrived home from church and the 14 year old was beside herself. I asked her what was wrong, to which she replied her daddy had called her and told her he was not going to be able to take her shopping this weekend. It was promised to her that he would take her shopping for new Summer clothes, and she had been counting down the weeks for over a month. I called him and asked what was up, and he replied that he never said that. He then called her with me on 3-way and when he was trying to explain what he said, she exclaimed "THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SAID" and then hung up. The next call I was conferenced into was one from my 17 year old saying mean things to her daddy because he made her sister cry. I corrected her and told her it was not okay for her to talk to her father like that, especially after coming home from church. Then a fight between the two little ones broke out in the kitchen and I had to hang up and deal with that.
All of this under the influence of Lunesta.
After I got everyone calmed down, I went back to sleep. The next morning I saw where he had called and texted me, so I shot him a text about the 14 year old, and then one about the 17 year old. I explained that I was going to get us all into some support groups, so that we can better deal with when he says one thing and does another, and we can react differently. He called and began screaming at me that I let his daughter talk to him horribly, (I told him I had called her down on the phone and then when we got off the phone) and then told me that I was his mental illness. He said that he was so glad that Jesus was working in my home, because she was acting ugly right after church, just horrible mean things. Finally refusing to listen to the hatefulness anymore, I hung up. He called back and I explained to him that I no longer have to be treated this way, and that it was not okay. I explained that the best thing I can do for my children and I is to learn and educate ourselves as much as possible, and that I had to be the strong one for them because right now he wasn't capable. He obviously didn't like that answer because within the 10 minutes of us hanging up, he blocked me. He made sure I knew too, by sending me a email at 7:11 a.m. my first day back to work of 4 12 hour shifts.
The emails went back and forth All. Day. Long. I had someone come in early for me so I could make it to my first support group meeting. I drove all the way from Pensacola to Fort Walton, but I was so glad that I did. Not only did they give me great advice, but useful websites that I could go to for more support groups and education. When I explained all of the madness that I had encountered over the past 9 months, they agreed that it was more than likely bipolar. First of all, when I mentioned that he told me that he was going through a "Spiritual Awakening" they told me to google Bipolar vs. Spiritual Awakening. Then when I explained that overnight, he didn't love me, acted differently towards the children, began disappearing, started using drugs and alcohol, had crude sexual thoughts, had an affair, had grandiose thoughts that alternated with paranoid thoughts, thought I was the enemy, thought the kids were awful, the dogs were awful, everything in his life was awful, had to reinvent himself as a man, etc. they told me to go to websites and read the stories that were just like mine. I couldn't believe it when I got home that night and did just that. They also told me that I had to set boundaries, and that would prove to be one of the hardest but one of the most rewarding things I have done yet.
He was certain to point out not once, but three times on Tuesday and Wednesday that this was how a co-parenting relationship should be. I recognize that, but it's very hard to do when within 24 hours, the other co-parent has gone from being comfortable enough to lie in bed with you and your daughter, back to screaming at you that "you are his mental illness" and blocking you, when you never even called him! Thursday when I arrived back from the meeting, the 14 year old, had quickly gotten over the travesty of not getting her Summer clothes, and had made plans for the entire weekend. She no longer cared to go with her dad. The 10 year old stated she just wanted to stay with me. She offered no reason for it, just politely declined. I think it's particularly hard for them to see us together, and things going so well and then it goes back to whatever. I also think the house being infested with bugs weirded her out, even though I have told her as he has told her the bugs are no longer there. I still did not press the issue. I was forced to go to my dad's when I was young, and the abuse I suffered while there was enough to know that I'm not going to force my children to do anything.
Friday, day 2 of my 12 hour shifts, was also back and forth with emails. He asked if the girls were going to come with him, and I explained no. He went on to accuse me of trying to keep them from him, I explained no, I just wasn't going to push the issue. I explained that I went back and forth with him all day Thursday and then called him when I got off work to try and continue the co-parenting relationship, and his agenda was more important. He accused me of calling him to "record the conversation" I explained that I wasn't calling with any such thing, that I had actually downloaded a free call app because he had my number blocked. I explained that the support group had told me I needed to work on boundaries, in which he accused them of making boundaries to not see his children. No, not at all, Boundaries were in place that there would be no more stopping by the house, coming in the house, etc. because all it does is confuse everyone, and boundaries are placed to help restore order and calm in your home.
When he was involved with the woman from Tampa, he wanted every other weekend only, so that is what we need to work toward. He can call the children and talk with them, but if they block his number because they are tired of what he is doing to all of us, I can't control that. I also can't control his relationship with his kids, (and he has 4, not 3 as he has previously made seem so important) He has cared for my son in the same home since he was 6 months old!
I ended by sending him links to different bipolar stories that were similar to our circumstance. I offered him love and support, but explained we had to do it from a distance. I told him that I hoped he understood that there were links, support groups, books, and classes that all were saying similar or exact things that he has said and done to me, and that wasn't all just a coincidence and asked if he recognized that it wasn't just a coincidence. His reply was that there was no need for us to talk any further unless it was about the kids. 5:00 on a Friday, just in time for the weekend. We haven't heard from him since.
Boundaries are a good thing, in the past 48 hours, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now I'm back to the important questions of life "Mom, who is picking me up from the party?" to my own question to myself, "How is my hair growing out from this cut asymmetrically?" I had dinner with a friend both nights, and the children have been exuberantly bouncing around the house again with joy. I have been spending a ton of time with them lately, trying to let them see that mom is here and she is the rock. Once I began researching BPD, and realizing that this is truly what I may be dealing with, viewing it as a illness sure helped. I no longer was worried about me and what all I did wrong, I just decided that moving forward for me and the kids was going to have to be done, no matter what because we could no longer stay stuck. I also came to realize that this is something going on inside him, and that you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. His counselor, after all feels like there is nothing wrong with him. ;) I feel if I default to the position that our loved one’s ability to respond appropriately is impaired due to illness and I try to adopt a problem solving, rather than blaming, posture I will generally have more positive outcomes.
Self love also has to be number one for me and my children right now, and becoming more self aware of how we react to the craziness when we have to be a part of it. Memorial Day is tomorrow and I have pretty great days planned to spend trying to once again restore some normalcy to my home, and to enjoy these days off. Boundaries. Boundaries are a good thing!
