Friday, July 15, 2016


Yesterday was quite eventful.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up at 5 am with chest pain that continued from the day before with vomiting and diarrhea. This went on until 8 am, when I finally knew I was depleted and needed to go to the ER for a bag of fluid. The only time I had ever experienced anything as crazy as that was the time my husband and I both had food poisoning years and years ago. My oldest took me and because of the horrible pain, they did some tests, gave me some fluids and sent me on my way. Morphine and Zofran on board, I went home and slept off and on, when not vomiting for the rest of the day. Wednesday, I woke up and still couldn't even keep water down. Imagine this when you have children wanting to pick them up from a friends house etc etc. It was awful. My oldest was at work, and I knew I had no business driving, I only had phenergan left over from a visit a while back, and it had knocked me out the night before. I went ahead and put my little one in the car, went and picked up the 14 year old, and then went to the doctor with my head hanging over a trash can.

When I got back to the office, I had to wait for quite a while and was still vomiting and vomiting, They came in and loaded me down with IM zofran and that helped, but I was in a nice little ball on the table waiting for what seemed to be an eternity for the doctor. She came in, pushed around on me and sent me into orbit, the next thing I know she is calling the ambulance. Wait what? Why an ambulance? I explained I could drive, but nope she would not let me because I had already been medicated. I had thought earlier to let their dad know that he would need to cover dinner, I was too sick to be able to fix anything for them. The nurse went and got my children from the waiting room and brought them back, we all began trying to call him to just come get them for me because they would not ride in the ambulance...He lives literally 3 blocks from the doctor's office..and I know that everyone is going to be shocked to know, but he could not pick them up.

First off, 19 years. I gave the man 19 years, He has always been a not so great caregiver when I am sick, but this, this was nuts. I just needed him to come get the kids and take care of them, and he couldn't even do that. My gf was at work on the other side of  Pensacola (I would later find out so was he)  and then my oldest was at work in Ft. Walton. It was finally decided that a complete stranger would bring the girls to the ER with them once the office closed. I was too sick to understand what all was going on, as I did not have enough fluid on board, but once I made it to the ER, got some fluids, got the medications, and my oldest got there angry, I realized exactly what had transpired.

Here's the thing, I'm mistaken as stupid by him weekly. But I question his intelligence daily. My 17 year old daughter had to them take on the parenting role once again, leave work, drive to the hospital, have her best friend take her car and my children back to the house, feed my children, and then bring the car back to her. She then had to call her boyfriend to make sure he could come stay with the girls, and as I said before assume the parenting role because once again, their father did not and..

She was livid.

I had known for a couple of weeks that he was indeed seeing someone in Warrington, almost an hour from him. Why? because I have him followed every time he begins treating my children bad. My oldest, however, found out for herself with a little detective work. She was chomping at the bit, and I couldn't blame her. We finally got home around 11 after stopping to get my car, and doing things that she shouldn't have had to do.

The next morning, she got up and still felt the same and begged me to take a drive with her. I told her I would not, that she was simply beating a dead horse, and there was no reason to try and talk to either of them, I had been down that road before. She told me she was going to drop me off, and go herself, or she was going to take me home, wait for her friend and then go because I was opposed to going, but refused to let her go that far, into that area by herself. So after my electricity got cut off, and I got that handled (because you know he was going to give me more money based on his new salary, but he has not) I went to get the kids something to eat. When she pulled away from Zaxby's  I knew exactly what she was doing.

The closer we got, the more angry she got, so I made her pull over and let me drive. As we pulled in, the new girlfriend was just getting out of her car. Of course I asked her her name and if she was dating my husband, and she said yes. And then I said well, you can tel him this doesn't stop until he's good to his kids. She explained that he had been trying, and I explained yes I am fully aware of the bs that he feeds his ladies, and then before I could say anything else, my oldest was out of the car. She told her that since he began seeing her, she had not seen her dad. She explained that when she got MRSA in her leg months ago, he wasn't there, and again for her car wreck, he wasn't there. She explained that he was treating her and her sibings horribly and that she would no longer stand for it. She explained that I was in the hospital, and the girl just sat there completely unmoved. She did inform me that they weren't sleeping together..they never are, dear. I wanted to tell her she better get checked for the surprise he left me, but I decided she can find that one out on her own. So sick as snot, and not feeling my best, I went there with my daughter and let her say her peace. the lady just sat there with a dumb look on her face. I decided in that moment they were meant for each other.

As soon as she got back in the car, she began crying and asked if she could call his ex girlfriend. She said she was NOT his ex girlfriend, that she was a horrible person who just stood there and had no empathy for anything she was saying. I explained that she would need to calm down and then if she felt the need to call her, she could. She was saying she was so much sweeter and that she knew now why I liked her and got along with so well with her. I explained that probably was because she truly was a decent person that identified with being a single mom, who knew that he was a liar. After all, he was sleeping with me, and then going back to her, and then back to me...and I had no reason to lie to her. My kids can tell their own story. I don't know if she ever called her last night or not, I think between the two of them that I would have heard. I know she has seen the love and compassion that she has shown me, and has been coming to terms with being accepting of her.

My oldest took the wheel back down the road, and drove to her father's house. Of course he had ran after the new girlfriend much like he had driven to Tampa to save the last time. Notice I said save the relationship with his new piece, not with his children. She texted and called him and for a while planted herself on his doorstep. I finally begged her that staging a sit in was not the right answer. She then told me that she was going to take me home, and come back with her best friend. At this point, my white flag was up and I was surrendering. I didn't care what she did.

As we pulled into the drive, I received a email that he had notified the police in Santa Rosa and in Gulf Breeze. Awesome. Call them on your children, call them on me, do what you need to do. The smart thing would have probably be to wait for her to get there, listened to what they all had to say, and faced the music for once, but no he did not. In fact, he told me to control her. I am the parent after all. Well, here's the thing..she didn't need controlling until he did all of this to us, so how about you be the dad and come control her? Good luck.

He went back and forth with me telling me if I had money to have him followed and blah blah blah and I told him to keep lying with dogs, he will catch the fleas. And then of course today, everyone is blocked, he doesn't answer the phone when the little kids tried to call this evening, and he waited until almost 4:00 to give me my child support, I'm sure my punishment for letting my daughter feel her feelings and walk in her truth.

As I sit here, I  am sure I am being called a liar and a hypocrite by the biggest hypocrite of all. I no longer care. I realize that I can't change the man's behavior, but I can continue to hold him accountable for being a good parent to his children. I have made questionable choices in the past, but I tried to come to him, build a friendship, make things work, and tried to go that route. He wants to make her be a priority and place his kids on the back burner, and eventually he will be the one that gets burned. According to section 7 of the parenting class, it will be here quicker than he can realize.

There isn't a Christian thing I can say in this blog. I need Sunday morning, as bad as I needed the phenergan this week. I am watching and listening to Joyce, but right now I am numb, I think its the point when you realize he is scraping the bottom of the barrel and that no matter how you feel at the moment, you know he could do so much better, and no matter how godly of a woman you are or you aren't, you give up because you realize even Jesus can't fix that. I know in my heart that God could do it, and probably would do it, but the man has to be willing to surrender to that will, and he just is not going to do that.

The Fourth

Life has been extremely busy lately for the children and I. So I'm just now getting to post. Let me first say that during the following events and during past conversation, I have been told that even if I have changed, that the first time he makes me mad, I will take to my Twitter or to my blog to make him look like a bad person. 
I don't have to make him look like anything, he already does a great job of that by himself. I merely record the events as they go by. Also, I've been told what a hypocrite I am, and if I am for protecting my children, then so be it. 

The weekend before the 4th, is always a big deal. We had friends coming into town and were looking forward to the time we would get to spend with them. I stopped on the way home from work to have dinner with them and got a call from the oldest that was in the Zaxby's bathroom crying because she missed her dad. I offered to come, but she said she was fine. When she got home that night, she wasn't. She claimed to have seen him turning by the Walgreens in Gulf Breeze so she knew he was in town, and she was upset. Saturday came and went and I enjoyed spending time with friends but on Sunday, I woke up with anger and discord in my spirit. He had not contacted his kids, nor me other than email, and if I could remember him telling my ex if he couldn't do better than that, that he needed to terminate his parental rights so I woke up thinking I was going to ask for that, because I was so tired of someone being placed in front of his children. I went ahead and got ready for church and took my girls, even though I had that angry spirit over me, and when I got there, the pastor had a altar call. The girls and I went forward, and out of the blue a lady placed her hand on my shoulder and told me she wanted to pray with me. She then spoke about a 20 minute prayer over me that let me know that God still wanted me to fight. Even saying that my marriage was bare bones, but God could renew it and form it with a new skin. Powerful.

I emailed him, told him I was sorry, that I loved him, and that I hoped we could talk later. He said he would call. When he called me that night I led off with how I woke up, how I was feeling, and then the prayer. I told him the next day was the 4th, the first 4th without him and that I hoped he would please stop by and see the kids, or make an attempt to see the kids. I told him God didn't want this for our marriage or for our family. I went on and on, parts were uncomfortable, but I could tell he was hearing me. But that's a little hard to do when you are already with someone else. So truly, it fell on deaf ears.

The 4th came and went and he didn't stop by. It was still a great day, and my kids had a great time! 

On the 5th at 8:00 I got a email saying he hoped we had a great 4th. I wrote back that we were disappointed that we didn't get to see him. Then began the barrage of emails back and forth, (because it doesn't matter how I meant it, he takes it the exact opposite way) until I finally drove over there and told him that we had to be friends first and foremost because I don't care who he is seeing, this constant drama was driving me insane. We go back and forth, and when I get up to leave, I notice a female skull and crossbones key and a orange key on his key ring and I mentioned that he had her key on there.  I just shook my head and walked out. He then ran after me and said that no, that key was the only one they had at the store, he told me to come back in and I said, I am holding you accountable to being a good dad. You would do it to me, and I just want us to be friends. 

We left on a good note and he unblocked my number. Throughout the week we texted here and there, and then on Friday, I took my 10 year old and my 14 year old to meet him. They went to dinner, and as I drove to meet my friend in Alabama to have dinner of my own, the girls were snapchatting and sending me pictures of him just sitting there. Not talking, not interacting, not even the same dad. 

My ten year old decided she didn't want to spend the night. I was really hopeful too because mom needed adult time, and because she had packed a bag, but he began texting that she wasn't. So I finally got in the car and drove back to come get her. He had a headcold so I asked him if there was anything I could bring him, since he had already dropped her off, he said No that he was fine. I told him that we loved and missed him. He would not acknowledge that. You know 19 years and 4 kids, you could acknowledge at least that. 

Saturday was much of the same, I got up, went to work, and then went out to dinner with my friend. He had already texted that she didn't want to spend the night and asked if he could hang out with her at the house. I said yes, but then came the texts at 9:30 wanting to know where I was and when I would be home. Finally at 10:30 I said I was on my way. Got home, he was sitting on the bed, and things were awkward but okay. He left after we talked for a bit. I didn't think watching him walk away would be hard for me, but it was. Even though I see where my future is headed, it's hard to let the past go out the door, but again before I knew that he truly was just lying and was seeing someone else. It's not that I am stupid, even though I am often mistaken for such. It's that when he has a conversation with you and promises you he is telling the truth, you want desperately to believe him. That is the hardest part about pathological lying.

On Sunday, he didn't get my 10 year old at all because she didn't want to go. He texted and told me. No worries. He will figure it out one day. 

On Monday this week, I texted him to tell him that was the first chance I had gotten to talk to our oldest and that she had told me my youngest ended her conversation she was crying. I then texted him back and forth telling him it saddens me to see the relationship with his children be in such shambles, that God doesn't want that for our children..and he entertained it until time to head to see his new girlfriend and then he blocked me.

So in other words he can bug me the entire night that I'm out, but he can block me the minute he goes to be with her? Because that would take him being HONEST with her about how we text, and that's one thing he isn't. Honest. 

So Monday I talked to the kids once I got home from work and lunch with my friend, and I told them they could talk to their dad. We waited until he got home that night and I took them over there, and they were crying their eyes out and I told him you can start help picking up these pieces. Instead, he just recorded my conversation of telling him I'm sick of him treating them like that and if he couldn't do better, I wanted him to terminate his rights. He was stoned when we got there, so imagine my surprise when we noticed him sleeping half way through. No empathy, no remorse, nothing for his babies crying. 

I have 11 more days to be married to this thing that used to be one of the greatest men I thought I knew. He always had a problem with lying, but I seriously can not believe where he is now. As the rest of the week unfolds, you will see that he truly doesn't care, what happens to me or to his children, it's all about chasing that next piece of tail. I mean left me, for her, then we called him on it together, and she left him, and then he's right back into something else.  Stop for just a moment and chase your kids instead of chasing that! 

Anger with God is at a all time high again because I don't understand why He keeps letting my kids go through this hurt and anger, but I also know it's for a purpose to make them stronger.  I find it hard to pray during this time, but I know that eventually I will come through stronger as well, but I will take my last dying breath trying to make him be better to his kids. They see that and know that, and for that I'm thankful. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Letting Go

Last week was plain awful. 
The week overall really wasn't that bad. I never heard back from him on Monday to talk about a summer camp for Lanie, I guess because I said she shouldn't go to Tennessee with his mom that summer camp was no longer a option. On Thursday, I finally called him and we talked. The first hour and a half was a great talk. He told me the psychologist didn't think he was bipolar yet, but if he had another episode, to call. He said he was told he had anxiety and adjustment disorder and that he wasn't given any new meds. He eluded to meeting me twice on Monday to talk and I never caught on. He then asked to talk to my 10 year old and I let him. I heard him tell her he would pick her up next week, and when she handed the phone back I asked if he was going out of town go which he replied yes. I went on to ask him what he planned on doing with my daughter, as this was his weekend with her. He went on to blame me for making this screw up because I had not let him see her the weeks before. No, I had nothing to do with him seeing her, she didn't want to come after waking to bugs crawling on her. Can you blame her? 

At that time, the whole process began again.  He was supposedly going to help some friends move, he had given them his word, and couldn't take it back. I explained that he had begged me to get the kids and him back on the right path for a week prior, I had brought them to eat with him on Father's Day to help open that door, and that this was my weekend to work, the girls had other plans and couldn't keep her because we all assumed she was going with him. I then drove over to his house where he screamed and yelled at me got in my face and cussed me spitting on me, made faces at me, etc. I don't even know why I subjected myself to it. Why did I sit and beg and plead for him to see that the most important thing was these children and I? He obviously couldn't see it, but even removing me from the equation, the most important thing here was his children. He then told me that he was certain that someone would end up in the hospital this weekend and so on and so forth, because obviously I make the kids go to the hospital when he is out of town. That had happened once when My oldest has MRSA in her leg. Give me a break.

I pleaded with him until I drove home at 2:00and then got up in the morning, drove over and pleaded with him again. He told me he would come get her at 6. Or he lied and just said that so I would leave his house. He texted me back and forth until his friend came and picked him up at which time he blocked me.

Three hours later, I got a call that my daughter had been in a wreck. I was scared to death, I couldn't make out what she was saying. I had no idea at that point that his friend had picked him up, so I called him hoping that he had not left for town yet and would be able to get to her before I could. I was blocked. I called his mother, texted the ex, I tried everything I could, as I was still an hour and a half away. Nothing. When he finally did return my call, he told me he wasn't coming to her. He couldn't, he had already given these people his word. 

I finally reached her and saw that she was okay, but shaken. I gave her the phone where he could talk to her and he told my daughter he wasn't coming to her either. That's the kind of person he is now. His only concern is himself. After dealing with the police, I got her home, but within 30 minutes, she was complaining of a headache and not feeling right and couldn't move her neck. I felt like getting her checked would be better safe than sorry. He didn't come to the hospital either, in fact when he returned home on Sunday, he didn't try to come check on her either. It's almost been a week and he still hasn't seen her. She is still in a ton of pain, but I'm trying to be patient to see how much is whiplash and how much isn't.

On Monday, he did email me and try to see if he could come get the little one for dinner. He has shown no interest in his children, couldn't come to his daughter when she was hurt and in her first wreck, wouldn't answer the phone all weekend when we tried to call, so that answer has to be no. He can see her at his regularly scheduled time on July 8th, I'm not being nice, begging him to be a good dad or any of it anymore and here's why...

Back when I thought there was no hope for my marriage in January, I met a guy who was genuinely, I think, a good guy. He has three girls, so the first time we met we took the girls to fudpuckers and for ice cream. He and I talked for about a month, and were going to take a trip to Key West, that's when my husband blocked that trip from happening, took me to a casino in atmore, al one where I paid for the room, had sex with me all weekend, professed his love for me, but emailed his girlfriend professing his love for her, he also told her he had to stay drunk and high just to tolerate me. So I gave up a trip to Key West for that, and had my marriage been saved, then I never would have regretted it. The second time we met was after I got back from that trip, over lunch. I told him I was sorry and that I had to give my marriage my best shot. He knew that was the most important thing to me from the get go. We both walked away. 

Here and there since January, I would get texts just checking in to see how I was. I thought it was so sweet. A couple of weeks ago, he texted and we began to talk back and forth. We haven't met again due to my schedule and his, but we talk daily. He asked how my oldest was after her wreck and then told me he would fix her car for us. He checked on her throughout the weekend, and was here for me through the whole thing like her dad should have been. I decided then I can either go through another year of hell and let it go, or I can stay stuck. I picked letting it go, and seeing where this other leads. It may lead to nothing, but I'm okay because I know who I am in Christ and I know that as much as God wouldn't want this divorce, he doesn't want my children and I to be lied to or treated like this either. 

Back to the emails on Monday, I told him the one blessing that came out of all of this was his ex. Remember I texted to see if she had talked to him when the wreck happened and I was trying to get a hold of him. Well, once again she offered nothing but encouragement and love to me all day Friday and throughout the weekend. When I told him she was a blessing in the email, he began calling me names, then texted her and told her he couldn't wait for her to find out how I am, that I talk about her, I mean all of this, got her upset and destroyed her peace. He has said truly horrible things about her, I have not. 

Throughout all of this, I could feel my anger with God sneaking up on me again. I would have a great talk with him, and then all of the drama again. I don't know why God continued to let it happen to my children, but this time, I'm fighting back the anger by praying and staying prayed up. I have 28 days until my divorce is final, and instead of worrying I have to trust that God knows what is best for me and my girls. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Father's Day

The past week was pretty tumultuous.
Day in and day out emails, constant upset while trying to work.
All I kept hearing was how he wanted to see his children.
All I kept explaining was that I had been chasing him for months because I knew it was going to get to the point where they would have NOTHING to do with him, and I could feel them pulling further and further away.
On Thursday, I finally called him and had a conversation with him that ended up with me getting cussed. I had to step away from the unit because it hurt me so bad to be talked to like that and the moment I did, my pastor texted me and asked if I could call. I did, and it was a game changer.

Tim is the pastor of Momentum Church, and I had never more than shook hands with him on Sunday morning and listened to him preach. Thursday, however he became my friend. I explained my wrongdoing, and gave him a background of what was going on. In that moment, he said something that made so much sense. He told me that in the bible it tells us that what comes across the lips is an abundance of what is in one's heart. So the pain, guilt, and anger that was being heaped on me was because that was actually what my husband was feeling. That was the first time that I had it described to me that way. Then, he prayed with me. He prayed that the spirit of anger, lust, fear, etc would be broken from my husband. He prayed over me and my children. I felt a complete peace wash over me like never before. I was able to go back to work and finish up my day.

On Saturday, the girls and I had a day out. The 10 year old made me breakfast in bed to celebrate Father's Day, and then they took me to see Finding Dory. That morning, I received a rewards card in the mail that I forgot I was supposed to even get, so even though they used their allowance money, I still took them to get a few items of clothing. I figured if I started shopping now, a little at a  time that the school year wouldn't be such a shock. We went to eat at TGI Fridays and my oldest and her friend showed up and surprised me. It was such a great time. At the end, we stopped by Target and I encouraged them to get him a Father's Day card. The oldest two rolled their eyes and walked off, the little one picked out a card, one that said something about beer because she knew he would like that. On the way home, I asked her if she wanted to take him the card, (as he had told me he would be there all weekend) and she eventually caved, but of course when we arrived he wasn't there. I just dropped him a email and said forget it, I couldn't take the emotional drama anymore, when you don't do what you are going to say you will do in the first place. He finally answered at 11pm and we had a conversation on the phone. He keeps blaming me for keeping them from him, I take them to him and he isn't there! The conversation was "so now I'm just supposed to sit at home all the time so you can stop by" type thing. No, but when you aggravate someone to death and say you want to see your children, and that you will be home all weekend, and then we try to see you and you aren't, how is that okay? It ended with me asking him how he thought we felt as it was the first Father's Day without him. He accused me of berating him by asking that question so we hung up. I wrote him a email and invited him to church the next morning.

The next morning, I made every child get up and go to church. He wasn't there. I had a email that said "You know where I will be this weekend" when the service began, so I just emailed him back and said all of your children are here at church. He showed up about 30 minutes in. I felt so overjoyed! My little one was about to come out of her chair! I just knew that God was working and what I had to do. At the end, Pastor Tim said if your father is alive and breathing, then you have to start forgiving him for whatever he has done to you. My little 14 year old just started sobbing. I began sobbing, the whole row was sobbing, but still nothing from him. At the end, he asked the girls if they wanted to go eat with him and they all said no. He shot me a look of disgust and hate at me like I am somehow to blame. I ended up waiting for the lady I was supposed to meet, and my girls went ahead before me. When I got in the car, I told them we would all be going to eat with their father. They were very upset, and resisted but I explained that he IS their father, and the only way to show God's love is to be the hands and feet. We went to the restaurant and when I walked in, more hate and disgust looks shot at me. We all walked up and ordered behind he and my son, and then I paid. I was determined not to let him spend His Father's day upset the way I had to spend my Mother's Day. We had a enjoyable time at lunch but no real questions asked about my children. What have they been doing this Summer, who have they been staying with etc. I was still undaunted to be defeated. A elderly couple was getting up to leave, and I did what I always do and went and held the door for them. The kids later told me that he sighed heavily under his breath because I did that.

I will never understand.

He told me thank you via email for the Father's Day love and  I told him I loved him. We went back and forth a couple of times and then I spent the rest of the day with my girls. The following day, I explained that with my son leaving and moving back to Tennessee, I would need some help finding the little one a Summer Camp program and asked if we could talk that night. He responded with yes, but within a couple of emails, he wanted to know if his mom could take the little one back to Tennessee. I am still praying over his mom, I have done nothing but be nice to them, even when we were home in February, I made sure that my children stopped in to see them and that the little one spent the night. What did that get me? Back stabbed. So you see, it's still something that is not a good subject with me. I explained that to him in the email to which he responded that he understood my position. I wish he would have just waited to call or talk to me face to face, and I told him that email had no tone and I wasn't sure how to take the emails that went back and forth before the one about the position. He was due to get his results from his mental evaluation that day, and I stated I hoped he had a good day at his appointment. That made him mad, he quickly informed me it wasn't a appointment, he was just getting the results.

I haven't heard from him since.

Yesterday was our 19 year wedding anniversary and nothing, not even a thank you for all of the years that we did have together. It's a little disheartening, but I just figure he isn't in the place that I am in. I am happy, joyful, and have indescribable peace. I want that for him. I still struggle with the mom thing, but overall, I can't be touched.

Everyone at work has been asking me what I have done differently, some have asked me if I am dating someone. The answer is no, the fact is I said a prayer and gave this battle to God several weeks ago, and when I did, something inside of me changed. So when I say, Joy, Peace, and Happiness, it's not a joke and it exudes out of every pore.

The blessings that have been reigned on me since the time that I have said that prayer have been abundant, so that to me is God's way of showing me what faithfulness will do. I still come under attack daily, but the blessings far outweigh the junk, and that is my way of knowing that I am indeed doing something right.  I continue to pray for him daily, but I can no longer worry about what is going on, because as I have said before, its definitely something inside him. God is too busy showing me and my children the path that we need to take to be made whole again, so we will continue to take it.

Monday, June 13, 2016

The Bigger Picture

This weekend was so busy for me! I ended up picking up extra on Friday because I wasn't due to start my new job until Monday, and I needed the extra money. By the grace of God, I managed to pull 60 hours in a row, and still was able to go to dinner on Friday night and Saturday night and enjoy some adult time.

Yesterday, while at work with the babies, I received news that there had been a mass shooting at a nightclub in Orlando. We were having a pretty busy day, so we heard about the tragedy and kept moving. I wasn't able to gather all of the details until I got off at 8, and my heart broke.

320 people went to Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando for a night, where they were mowed down by a gunman who pledged his allegiance to ISIS. 49 people are dead, and many others injured. Not only was it a ISIS crime, but a hate crime, making the whole thing even worse.

49. 49 innocent people walked into a nightclub on Saturday night to have a good time with friends. Every one of them traveling down a different path in their lives, some just looking for fun, but some looking I am sure for the love of their life, maybe they had just been through a breakup, or a severe depression, maybe they were drug there by friends and they really didn't want to go. Maybe they were dealing with a health battle, or some other type of emotional battle. And 49 people didn't walk out.

I can't help but to think about the friends and loved ones of each of these amazing lives. These were someone's brother, sister, daughter, son, aunt, uncle, someone's best friend, lover, someone's person, and those people will never get to see, hear, feel, or touch them again. Utter Sadness. The shock and horror, the entire community affected. Not one person could not be affected. The more that I read the more sad and angry I become, because there are actually people on the internet showing utter hate because it was a GAY nightclub, and that makes me sick.

I have taken care of a man that has been in love with his partner for 26 years, and he was on his death bed, but due to our legislature at the time, the partner was not allowed to make end of life decisions, and the family that the man had not talked to in over 12 years due to his sexual preference, was allowed to come into that room and make those crucial decisions. It was one of the saddest things I have ever witnessed as a nurse, and since that time, there has been no room for anything but love in my heart for the LGBT community. In fact, the older I get, the more I realize that Love is Love, no matter the gender, God Loves us all, Red and Yellow, Black and White, Gay and Muslim, We are all God's children.

My heart is broken for the community, the country, and our world, and it really showed me that the bigger picture is right before my eyes. My children and I have been put through the wringer, and although my husband is essentially dead to us, I take some comfort knowing that if I really wanted to, I could call, write, or even run by and see him, hear him, and maybe even touch him once again. The sadness of it all is that things are so on edge with him, I can't do it without being cussed, or being raged at, but in lieu of the above events, I am thankful that it is still a option. I am in constant prayer for the families where it is no longer.

I wonder if my husband even thought about the bigger picture when he heard these things on Saturday or Sunday? I wonder if he realized that at this time in his life, he has lost the number one things that 49 families want back so desperately. Life is so short, and its too short to not say the words that you mean to your loved ones every single day. I lost my father to a massive heart attack and had not spoke to him in over 2 years, that was common for he and I, and no matter what kind of a vile man he was, I wanted that time with him back. He was my daddy.

I sit here day in and day out with 4 amazing children, every day is a milestone, they have their own personalities, and are lights in this world. I constantly try to encourage a relationship with their dad, and it makes me incredibly sad that they won't consider it any longer. I asked them again tonight if they would consider seeing him, or letting him come by, or doing something for him for Father's Day, and received another resounding NO, and was told he wasn't welcome here anymore. I have spent the entire weekend in prayer for him, after Friday, I sent the emails to my junk folder. He didn't try to come see my kids, but he was online on his dating apps looking for that, and that makes me sad.

The Bigger Picture: Our entire country, and everyone in it needs Jesus. He is the only hope in this weary world, and in Revelation it clearly states that these are the end times. I have made sooooo many mistakes, but God has forgiven me, and will continue to renew my heart and my mind in the upcoming days. He doesn't fix people overnight, in fact, He fixes them like a slow cooker. He prunes off every bad bud and leaf of bad to renew us and make us whole again. I am praying first and foremost for that pruning for my husband and family, but also for this country. Love is Love. God is Love. I'm not where I need to be but Thank God I'm not where I used to be.

Thank You, Jesus for your unfailing love, and for dying on the cross for every one of our sins. We aren't worthy, but I remain humbled.

Friday, June 10, 2016


This week has been interesting to say the least.
After Monday's emails, I really felt the need to tie up whatever loose ends remained and finally get some closure, however, two questions really loomed over my head.

The first? How could anyone ever act like this towards his children? Especially when for years, I have heard nothing but about how my ex husband was a waste of air and space and when my son turned 18, my husband was "going to beat the piss out of him". We both felt that way a lot of the time because my ex was happy just being a every other weekend dad. He would drum up some drama in court, act like he reaaallllllyyy wanted extra time with my son, and then he would never take extra time with my son. When my son got older and had a cell phone, he rarely ever called either, and so he would see him every other weekend. Pathetic. You can clearly see now, that my husbands behavior has far outweighed any of my ex's behavior. I mean if I had a emergency, I could at least reach my ex and count on him, but not with this guy. I never would have thought he would turn out to be that way either. He ACTS as if he really wants to see his kids, again from Monday-Thursday or Friday a.m. but then come the weekend, we hear nothing from him. And just like when my daughter was in the ER for MRSA in her leg, he was nowhere to be found.

I came home last night and my girls had been to counseling. They informed me that they no longer wanted to have a relationship with their dad and described how they told the counselor that each one of them reached that point at a different time. I found it very interesting. I asked the youngest if she wanted to go with her dad at a different time and she replied no. I also tried one last time to rally them to do something special for Father's Day and I got a resounding NO. I emailed him this morning, as we had emailed back and forth yesterday about my concerns about his relationships with the girls. I no longer want him in my life, but I do want him to have a relationship with them, but again he has to be the one responsible to fix it. I remained as positive as I could, told him I support him and ended each one with Hugs! I was being very sincere, after all he was my best friend for 18 years. He did not like that response, in fact he acted as if it upset him. He accused me of making him look bad, to which my response was I don't have to, you are making yourself look bad.

This morning I emailed him to let him know the girls did not want a relationship with him. This was based on what they told me last night. This was the result:

Me: The girls went to see The counselor yesterday, and I'm sorry but they no longer want to have a relationship with you at all. Your behavior has cost you everything. They all arrived at done at different times and it was interesting to hear about how the time was different for each of them. I will be praying for you.

Him: I'll talk to the counsellor about it. That's not going to happen by the way. You and her don't get to choose that.

Me: I had nothing to do with that. They don't want anything to do with you they are old enough to choose that. I was at work, thank you.

Him: I'll  talk to Carol about it. I will be having a relationship with them. Thanks.  I will not be going back and forth with with you today. Thanks.

Me: Still completely clueless to what you have done. I stand in awe. Still praying for you. Hugs!

Him: Just talked to Carol and she said that's not the conclusion she came to.
Hugs. Kisses and fuck you very much.

No one said the counselor drew the conclusion, I was talking to him about what his girls wanted. They are old enough to make their own decisions and to decide what they want! After being cussed, yet again, I decided I would begin sending the emails back to my spam folder. It's simply not worth it until he gets his head on straight.

My second question actually came up in conversation last week with my girlfriend. I was telling her that he has told me time and again how he doesn't talk to anyone about me or about us, yet when his mom called, she knew intricate details of every single thing that has gone on with me and him. So obviously he had bad mouthed me to his mom just like he did to his girlfriend. As I was talking through all of this, I remembered the nights when he was trying to get over his girlfriend while trying to make it work with me, and I told my friend you know it's really weird but he bad mouthed his girlfriend the whole time he was here. My gf stopped me and said, then you have your answer. I asked what she was talking about, and she said "Well, if he said all of those horrible things about her and she never really did anything to him, then why wouldn't he say all of those horrible things about you"? Sometimes God has a way of answering every single question. I knew my answer. He had told me horrible things about her, and I had met her and discredited a lot of it,  but still I listened while he gave me these details. In that moment, my questions were answered:  He had no more respect for her or her feelings than he did for me and mine, after 18 years. If  he was going to bad mouth his wife of 18 years, then of course he would bad mouth his girlfriend of 6 months because the problem was NEVER with him.

Closure. It's such an amazing thing. Today, I am thanking God for closure, and for the ability to laugh at the messages while he's cussing me, and to still be able to pray for him the last thing at night when I go to sleep, and the first thing in the morning when I wake up.

Growth. Thank you, Jesus for growing me through this process and making me stronger and stronger each and every day, the blessings you have bestowed on me and my children the past couple of weeks, and the growth they have experienced has been so awesome to watch, I can't wait to see where we are in another couple of weeks!!

Monday, June 6, 2016


Another great weekend with friends again. New memories are being made, the adults are having as much fun as the kids, and we are all moving in the forward direction.

I never thought at this age that I would be starting over. I thought I would hold my husband's hand until he took his last dying breath. Even through all the imperfections and everything that life had to throw at us, we still weathered every storm together, and he was my best friend.

As with everything in life, however, all good things must come to an end. When I think about my dad and stepmom after their 18 year divorce, it was so sad to me that it ended up completely consuming her. So much so that she would speak in third person when referring to her life after my dad. It's important to me that I not let it consume me, (as it has for long enough)  and that it is never allowed to define who I am. God knows my stepmother loved my dad the way I loved my husband, but doors close, and then windows open, and when neither one is happening, then I still have to praise Him in the hallway.

After many days of not answering any emails and sending them to my spam folder, I got one entitled urgent from him today. Before I proceed, it's absolutely shocking to me that a person who is so very intelligent can't figure out why his children want nothing to do with him after 10 months of him doing whatever he pleased and not giving them a second thought. Now that everyone has tired of that, and have decided to move forward without him, he suddenly wants to take a interest in them? Now that I have tired of him, and have decided that I can neither help someone who doesn't want to be helped, nor can I fix the relationship with him and my girls, now it's going to change? Well I'm hopeful that it does happen, but I'm afraid it's going to take a lot, and I mean a lot to fix the damage that he has done.

The emails weren't pleasant, he's pretty used to me telling him that I love him, and that I'm praying for him every day. I simply don't feel that way anymore. Yes, I continue to pray for him and his relationship with my children, and I'm still hopeful for their sake that he will get some answers and maybe even medications so that he can be stable for them, but I simply have decided to love myself more than I ever loved him. So as you can see, the emails are straight to the point. I wish the man nothing but the best, but the self realization of what all he has done still hasn't set in. He thinks he can still talk to me any kind of way, and I'm simply not standing for it any longer.

  I have been trying to talk to the children. I've been calling and calling.  You never got back to my mom about L. You say you want me to be a good dad. And when I try, I'm blocked. So that lets me know it's not actually about the children. I understand S and E might not want to talk to me right now but L does I'm sure.  She still has the phone that I pay for that you refuse to give back. So anyway.  Some type of response is expected as I am supposed to be allowed unrestricted communication with them. Thank you.
RE: Urgent
Your relationship with your children is no longer my business. I am done trying. You see after I tried to call you last week, I tried to bring L by because she wanted to see you, and you weren't there. You blocked her phone after I called you that day. On June 1st, I changed my outlook. You and your mom have both treated me horribly, so I no longer have to put up with that toxicity. I tried for months to get you to see your children are the most important, you wouldn't so what happens now is up to you. If you are leaving them messages and they aren't calling you back, you need to realize that your actions are causing those reactions. As far as L goes, we came with the phone in hand to your house and you weren't there. She misplaced it that night, we are cleaning today and maybe she will find it.  L was in the car with me when you weren't there. You keep chasing your piece of ass, what happens between you and your children is on you now.

It's no fun when you can't get a hold of anyone for days at a time is it? Now you know how we feel.

Please deposit what you said you would into my account once you "figured things out" if a child is sick or something happens, I have 24 hours and will let you know within that time frame. Otherwise, there is nothing for us to talk about.
You're right.  There is nothing for us to talk about.  I don't need to talk to you.  It's not about talking to you.  And you know I've never blocked the kids phones. I still haven't.  I didn't block L's number.  Not one bit. Funny how she misplaced it when you got mad. I'm not chasing anything. Except for the kids for the past week. You can hate me. That's fine. You can hate my parents.  That's fine. And as far as a child being sick.  That reads. As soon as possible. Not 24 hours. Thanks.
As far as my relationship with the girls goes, I know that's on me and I am working on it. I realize that will take a great deal of time and effort. I'm sure that's not what you want to hear and I'm sure that you will continue to believe whatever and that's fine.
I'm not sure why you wouldn't let L go to Tennessee. I'm sure you have your reasons which have nothing to do with you and genuinely have her interests at heart.

This will be the last time I communicate anything with you. Your mom reaching out to me last week and me trying to tell her my genuine concerns, and her still blaming, (just like you do) everything on me is TOXIC. L does not need to be subjected to that type of environment where she can say whatever she pleases about me to my child. And it's awesome that no one has heard from her except E since February, but now she wants me to do a favor? If you recall, S had to stick up for me when she was 8 years old due to your mothers toxicity. I can send you the phone numbers of nurses in the ER who felt the same way. You used to see that the behavior was toxic, you do not now and that's on you. She was and continues to remain a big problem in our relationship, and with you.

As far as that goes, I tried to talk to you about the comment that your counselor told me which was a shock to me and contradicted anything that you have ever told me. I called you, you hung up in my face. I tried to call back and it went straight to voicemail. Your daughter called you two hours later and it went to voicemail as well. We then drive over there, and of course you were not home. She had the phone in the car. When we left there, we went to a friends house and the phone has not been seen since. The kids are tired of constantly being lied to. When we pulled up to your home, L said "oh well he isn't here, he's probably at his girlfriends house. He doesn't get to see my hair."  Then on the way to my friends she said "was he texting you the weekend I was there" I said no. She said "oh well he was texting someone in his phone named Keyana." Well since you used to type texts to Wayne, she pretty much figured it out. And that's when I knew that we could either spend the next 6 months doing this or we could begin moving forward.

You can tell yourself whatever you want about how I'm keeping the kids from you, I am not. L did not want to come there after the bug and no warm food issue. If you have a bag of weed, but can only afford a can of ravioli, Bologna, and frozen chicken nuggets, then that is NOT in my child's best interest. The priorities for you have changed, and the children see that. Letting her be subjected to horrible things being said about her mother is not in her best interest either.

You have continued to let down and disappoint. When you have some self realization, and realize the weight of your actions, I truly hope that things will change. My children remain hopeful that you will get on medication and be the dad that you once were to them, however as far as we go, that door is closed. There is no hate here. Not one bit. I wish you nothing but the best.
I can tell you have nothing but the best interests involved.  That's evident (laughable sarcasm).  You knew my money was tight last time she was over. I didn't have weed.  Thanks. Still don't. Thanks. I didn't text anyone last time she was with me.  Thank you very much.  I haven't changed anyone's name in my phone to anything.  I ha e nothing to hide.  And as far as being talked about negatively. I've never said ANYTHING remotely negative about you to any of them.  And you know it.  Thanks. Let down and disappoint?  How?  Ridiculous.  I told E I'd figure it out about us going shopping.  And check her phone. I was trying to take her this weekend.
And no one was asking about the we part. Thanks for the well wishes though. I'll take what I can get. Have a good week.  See you Friday at 6. Thanks.
As you can see, we have a long way to go if ever, before we can have any type of relationship. If he didn't have money, then he should have said something like I am having a issue with bugs, and my money is tight so I will need to cook at your house. Not putting his child's best interest at heart is the reason his child no longer wants to come there. Can you blame her? If your 10 year old came home and told you they ate at Tom Thumb, or bologna, ravioli and frozen nuggets that when she bit into o them were still cold, how would you feel? Also, my friends from the ballpark noticed that his behavior was either very fidgety, or that he was constantly annoyed by E screaming from the dugout. FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO NOTICE, THAT'S A PROBLEM.

I will continue, like I said to pray for him, and hope that he really has figured out that I am no longer chasing or trying to fix things for him, as he has always had done for him, this fixing will be solely his responsibility. One way that would probably go a long way would be to treat their mother with some respect, especially since they are all girls, but I digress. I have seen a recurring pattern of supposed "genuine interest" in the kids as long as It's Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday, but when the weekend rolls around, Thursday-Sunday, he's generally out. I hate to tell him that L does not want to come to his house anymore, that part will have to be told on Friday. This weekend will be good if he can get her to go, but the next weekend, I am sure he will disappear off the face of the earth again and deny that he's blocking their calls again. Typical pattern, the only difference being that I no longer care whether he's in Tampa or L.A. as for me and my house, we are moving FORWARD without him. Happiness abounds, and my 10 year old is becoming a astounding cook, because she will never be in a position to not be able to cook for herself again.