I realize I haven't updated in almost a month, and there's a reason. The number one reason is because I don't even know what to say, think, or even feel anymore. I go through a broad range of emotions daily that generally began with thankfulness and gratitude, and end with anger and bitterness. I am angry for the way this situation has continued to play out, and I am very angry with God. I am thankful that He can handle the anger, but as I said it changes on a daily basis. I try and take each day one day at a time, and I'm still trying to rebuild with my husband, but most days I feel pretty defeated, and that's where the anger comes in.
Where I left off, lets see...I believe it was with a heartfelt apology to the girlfriend. All of that still remains true, and isn't one-sided. It's bizarre and weird, but somehow we connected, and I have received many apologies from her as well. So on 2/24 I received a text that she would step aside for my girls. I wasn't expecting it, but I truly appreciated the thoughtfulness of it. On 2/25 I stopped by his apartment on the way home to discuss the car insurance for our daughter and the purchase of the car. I was shocked when I was told that he wanted to give us 60 days to see if we could work. He still wanted me to go on my trip, but wanted to see if we could work. We ended up together that night, but the next morning, I was getting ready for the trip and he showed up and stated that he wanted to go out of town with me instead. Of course I wanted to go with my husband and rekindle our flame! This was after he asked me to thumbprint into my phone so he could read the messages between Mark and I. I did, because I had nothing to hide. I never even gave a explanation to my friend Mark, we spent Friday buying my daughter a car and delivering it, and then drove off into the sunset to spend a weekend at the casino. We had what I thought to be an amazing time, and came back on Sunday night.
On Tuesday, March 1st, I went over to check and see why he was no longer texting me, as we had been texting all night. When I arrived, he was stumbling drunk and considerably high. I finally talked him into lying down in bed, because I knew if he fell, I would not be able to get him up. He finally consented, when he laid down, he fell into the deepest sleep, and I was scared to leave him. I continued to lay there and then I read the text, from MAP that read "testing". I woke him up and asked if this was from her, he vehemently denied. I went to leave and he followed me and stopped me. He swore he had not talked with her, had not emailed her, had not talked with her on the phone, yet here was a text with her initials, mind you, that read testing. So I decided to man up and text her. She went on to explain that she had sent the text because he had sent emails all day proclaiming his love for her. she then forwarded the emails, and as I stared at my drunken husband sleeping upright in the chair, my heart broke.
I am thankful for her once again, because not only was this situation coming undone for me, in his living room (alone) it was coming undone for her (alone) but together, we had each other. We talked until almost 3 a.m., at which time, my husband walked into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and peed in it. I started yelling at that time and told him he needed help, he told me he would check into rehab the next morning. Instead, we all know he got sober, and refused the help, as they always do, but it didn't stop what happened next. The next morning, her and I took turns, and three way called him, I heard him tell her that he had to stay drunk and high to be able to tolerate me the weekend before. Just lie after lie, and to me he told me we were never getting back together, then began the barrage of emails that both her and I sent giving him a piece of our minds, and the bond that continued to form after that. So follow me here, I was now holding her broken heart, his broken heart, and she was holding my broken heart, because he didn't care. This went on for a couple of days until all of us were mentally and physically exhausted.
On 3/4 he asked if he could take me to dinner with him and my 10 year old. I told him I couldn't be friends with him right now, and no. He told me it would be fun. Remember, he had just given himself back to me the weekend before as we laughed, and joked and had a blast at the casino, also, he held me. He held me every night as we fell asleep, something I had not had in over 6 months. I had asked him to come hold me after all of the drama unfolded on 3/1 and he wouldn't. So after I finally agreed to dinner, I asked him if he would come hold me after. He wouldn't budge. He wanted me to come there, but I couldn't I had to work the next day. We texted off and on Saturday, after I got back late from date night, and then on Sunday, 3/6 he asked me to stop back by so we could just spend time together as friends. We did, but we suddenly became friends with benefits. I mean how are you supposed to be just friends with your husband? That doesn't even make sense!
For the next weeks, leading up until today 3/19, we have spent just about every night together, either I there, or him at the house with me. So why am I angry? Well, because no matter what, my life with my husband has been forever altered. There's no more innocence, no more bliss, there's not much telling me I'm beautiful, or interest shown in my job. It's a lot of one sided handholding with me always reaching for his, no gentle touch, no telling me what I so desperately need to hear right now unless we are in bed together. I'm sacrificing who I am, I'm compromising my beliefs, and yet I still keep reaching out to grab that hand thinking that eventually one touch will make him see ME again, and fall back in love with ME. I'm not sure how people recover from infidelity, but let me tell you how I am trying to recover from it. Every single time I am romantic with him, in the back of my mind, I hear you weren't good enough, you will never be good enough, and every time he's looking into my eyes, it's more like he's looking past them and searching to see her. If you call that recovery, then so be it.
I forgot to mention that last week he took me on a special date to 30A, somewhere that I begged to take him last Summer. we had a great day, but on the way home he mentioned that he had been with her there, and my heart broke pretty much all over again. Thursday night, 3/17 I actually stopped by his house on the way home from work and he was drunk and high and had been on the phone with my pastor. I wasn't quite sure what to think, because surely God wasn't going to minister to him or me (I had three beers before arriving) during that moment. He was listening to Just as I am by Brantley Gilbert and had been sobbing. I remember praying again for him that night, and thinking that something inside of him was being changed. He ended up coming back with me, to the house and staying the weekend. I love him being there, and I will continue to love and cherish each moment that I have with him, because I think I know that these moments may not last.
And it isn't as if he isn't trying, Lord knows he is. Its just a matter of trying to fall back in love with your wife after something like this has happened, or when your mind may be somewhere else obviously isn't the easiest thing to do. We have had a amazing two weeks, but there is still a ton of stuff to work through. This morning, he got up and fixed my coffee before work, I am so leery of that because its one of the things that he mentioned I took for granted, so then he decided to drive me to work, which I told him he did not have to do. He didn't want to be without a car, so I offered to drop him by the house and let him get his car. Before I made it to work, he said "Well things are almost back to "normal" I asked what he meant. He said "Well, last night I wanted sex and you fell asleep, today I wanted sex and you didn't want to, I fixed your coffee, and we drove to work in silence" (I'm not a morning person and have subluxation of my left shoulder right now) I reminded him that this was a isolated event. a one time thing, but still it hurt me. I just want to be number one again. God, please hear my prayer.
I wish I could go back and erase the past 8 months of our lives. I don't like being treated like I'm second, or having conversations about their time together, (it was as if 6 months erased the 18 years we had together before) and I know that I'm sacrificing daily, and probably beating a dead horse, but my children are different people when they have their daddy there and to me that's worth it. Not to mention the love I have for this man. He will never ever see it, but everyone including the girlfriend does. Of course that was one of our biggest problems, everyone around knew I thought the sun rose and set in him, but he didn't and I guess never will. I will continue to pray for complete healing, and a change of heart, but I'm not so sure those prayers are even being heard, and well..I'm tired. I am tired, I am weary, and I am heartbroken. I still believe that God is a God of miracles and I stand firm on that, but everything has changed, and everything is different, and it would take a miracle at this point to make me believe wholeheartedly again.
