Boundaries

 I just spent the last 4 days at work trying my best to use the talent that God gave me to save babies lives. It's sad when work seems like a vacation these days due to the current status of your life at home. I feel like we are moving in the right direction, albeit very S-L-O-W-L-Y.

After the scenario played out Tuesday and Wednesday. He returned back to his apartment. I had already taken my 1/2 of Lunesta to go to sleep to prepare for work the next day. For some reason, the night before I head back for my four twelve hour shifts in a row, I have a very restless night. My co-workers and I have been discussing this for a few months now. We aren't nervous, but maybe it's just the anticipation itself, or that fear that you are going to miss your alarm for work, either way, it's frustrating.

I had been asleep probably around 30 minutes when my two oldest arrived home from church and the 14 year old was beside herself. I asked her what was wrong, to which she replied her daddy had called her and told her he was not going to be able to take her shopping this weekend. It was promised to her that he would take her shopping for new Summer clothes, and she had been counting down the weeks for over a month. I called him and asked what was up, and he replied that he never said that. He then called her with me on 3-way and when he was trying to explain what he said, she exclaimed "THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SAID" and then hung up. The next call I was conferenced into was one from my 17 year old saying mean things to her daddy because he made her sister cry. I corrected her and told her it was not okay for her to talk to her father like that, especially after coming home from church. Then a fight between the two little ones broke out in the kitchen and I had to hang up and deal with that.

All of this under the influence of Lunesta.

After I got everyone calmed down, I went back to sleep. The next morning I saw where he had called and texted me, so I shot him a text about the 14 year old, and then one about the 17 year old. I explained that I was going to get us all into some support groups, so that we can better deal with when he says one thing and does another, and we can react differently. He called and began screaming at me that I let his daughter talk to him horribly, (I told him I had called her down on the phone and then when we got off the phone) and then told me that I was his mental illness. He said that he was so glad that Jesus was working in my home, because she was acting ugly right after church, just horrible mean things. Finally refusing to listen to the hatefulness anymore, I hung up. He called back and I explained to him that I no longer have to be treated this way, and that it was not okay. I explained that the best thing I can do for my children and I is to learn and educate ourselves as much as possible, and that I had to be the strong one for them because right now he wasn't capable. He obviously didn't like that answer because within the 10 minutes of us hanging up, he blocked me. He made sure I knew too, by sending me a email at 7:11 a.m. my first day back to work of 4 12 hour shifts.

The emails went back and forth All. Day. Long. I had someone come in early for me so I could make it to my first support group meeting. I drove all the way from Pensacola to Fort Walton, but I was so glad that I did. Not only did they give me great advice, but useful websites that I could go to for more support groups and education. When I explained all of the madness that I had encountered over the past 9 months, they agreed that it was more than likely bipolar. First of all, when I mentioned that he told me that he was going through a "Spiritual Awakening" they told me to google Bipolar vs. Spiritual Awakening. Then when I explained that overnight, he didn't love me, acted differently towards the children, began disappearing, started using drugs and alcohol, had crude sexual thoughts, had an affair, had grandiose thoughts that alternated with paranoid thoughts, thought I was the enemy, thought the kids were awful, the dogs were awful, everything in his life was awful, had to reinvent himself as a man, etc. they told me to go to websites and read the stories that were just like mine. I couldn't believe it when I got home that night and did just that. They also told me that I had to set boundaries, and that would prove to be one of the hardest but one of the most rewarding things I have done yet.

He was certain to point out not once, but three times on Tuesday and Wednesday that this was how a co-parenting relationship should be. I recognize that, but it's very hard to do when within 24 hours, the other co-parent has gone from being comfortable enough to lie in bed with you and your daughter, back to screaming at you that "you are his mental illness" and blocking you, when you never even called him! Thursday when I arrived back from the meeting, the 14 year old, had quickly gotten over the travesty of not getting her Summer clothes, and had made plans for the entire weekend. She no longer cared to go with her dad. The 10 year old stated she just wanted to stay with me. She offered no reason for it, just politely declined. I think it's particularly hard for them to see us together, and things going so well and then it goes back to whatever. I also think the house being infested with bugs weirded her out, even though I have told her as he has told her the bugs are no longer there. I still did not press the issue. I was forced to go to my dad's when I was young, and the abuse I suffered while there was enough to know that I'm not going to force my children to do anything.

Friday, day 2 of my 12 hour shifts, was also back and forth with emails. He asked if the girls were going to come with him, and I explained no. He went on to accuse me of trying to keep them from him, I explained no, I just wasn't going to push the issue. I explained that I went back and forth with him all day Thursday and then called him when I got off work to try and continue the co-parenting relationship, and his agenda was more important. He accused me of calling him to "record the conversation" I explained that I wasn't calling with any such thing, that I had actually downloaded a free call app because he had my number blocked. I explained that the support group had told me I needed to work on boundaries, in which he accused them of making boundaries to not see his children. No, not at all, Boundaries were in place that there would be no more stopping by the house, coming in the house, etc. because all it does is confuse everyone, and boundaries are placed to help restore order and calm in your home.

When he was involved with the woman from Tampa, he wanted every other weekend only, so that is what we need to work toward. He can call the children and talk with them, but if they block his number because they are tired of what he is doing to all of us, I can't control that. I also can't control his relationship with his kids, (and he has 4, not 3 as he has previously made seem so important) He has cared for my son in the same home since he was 6 months old!

I ended by sending him links to different bipolar stories that were similar to our circumstance. I offered him love and  support, but explained we had to do it from a distance. I told him that I hoped he understood that there were links, support groups, books, and classes that all were saying similar or exact things that he has said and done to me, and that wasn't all just a coincidence and asked if he recognized that it wasn't just a coincidence. His reply was that there was no need for us to talk any further unless it was about the kids. 5:00 on a Friday, just in time for the weekend. We haven't heard from him since.

Boundaries are a good thing, in the past 48 hours, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now I'm back to the important questions of life "Mom, who is picking me up from the party?" to my own question to myself, "How is my hair growing out from this cut asymmetrically?" I had dinner with a friend both nights, and the children have been exuberantly bouncing around the house again with joy. I have been spending a ton of time with them lately, trying to let them see that mom is here and she is the rock. Once I began researching BPD, and realizing that this is truly what I may be dealing with, viewing it as a illness sure helped. I no longer was worried about me and what all I did wrong, I just decided that moving forward for me and the kids was going to have to be done, no matter what because we could no longer stay stuck. I also came to realize that this is something going on inside him, and that you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. His counselor, after all feels like there is nothing wrong with him. ;) I feel if I default to the position that our loved one’s ability to respond appropriately is impaired due to illness and I try to adopt a problem solving, rather than blaming, posture I will generally have more positive outcomes.

Self love also has to be number one for me and my children right now, and becoming more self aware of how we react to the craziness when we have to be a part of it. Memorial Day is tomorrow and I have pretty great days planned to spend trying to once again restore some normalcy to my home, and to enjoy these days off. Boundaries. Boundaries are a good thing!

Bipolar Disorder

I would like to clear up any misconception about my discussion on this topic prior to writing this blog. My husband was told by a mental health professional on April 12th, after she had spent several sessions with me, with my children, and three with my husband that there was a chance that indeed he could be Bipolar. He has a evaluation set up for June 14th, and could not get in any sooner, but as of today he has not been diagnosed as Bipolar.

Throughout the years, my husbands moods have been unstable. He has been happy one minute and then upset and yelling the next. Several years ago, I told him I was concerned and that I thought he needed to be on medication. At that time, he got on Wellbutrin. The Wellbutrin seemed to have helped, but after several years, it did not seem to be as effective. I have one best friend that I grew up with, and has known me my whole life. We don't talk all of the time, but when we do, I update her. We were having coffee over facetime last week, and she told me then "You have always said he was bipolar" Wow. I didn't even realize that I had probably used that term loosely when describing the mood fluctuations to my best girlfriend on the phone! Even though I was a nurse, and had some experience with psychiatric nursing, I did not know or really begin to understand BPD until my counselor mentioned it on the 12th.

When she mentioned that to him, I began researching everything I could. I knew my husband was diagnosed with Adult ADHD at the age of 19 at Vanderbilt Medical Center. In fact, when I met him, he was on Ritalin. He shook so bad in his hands because he took the Ritalin with around two liters of Mountain Dew, and it was very noticeable. He got off the Ritalin soon after we were married and tried Adderall, Adderall didn't seem to help with the focus and concentration, and had some less than desirable side affects, so he didn't take any medication for the majority of our marriage. Impulse control was a problem, so was holding down a job, and my favorite was making permanent decisions based on temporary emotions. It's very hard when you watch someone you love struggle the way he would. Simple tasks turned into near impossible tasks, or tasks that involved hours and hours of intensive labor.

As the wife of someone with ADHD, it was very frustrating to say the very least. I would clearly state time and again things that I might need his help with or need from him, and those things would not get done. I don't know if it was attention span thing, or exactly what it was, but then he would sort of spin his wheels doing other things to make me happy, when really I just needed the simple things done. Sometimes I felt like I was a mother instead of a wife.

When I began researching Bipolar Disorder, I was intrigued to find out that a lot of people diagnosed with ADHD are truly misdiagnosed and are actually Bipolar. I ran across the website
www.bphope.com clicked on relationships and begin to read on the forums of other people who were sharing their stories and there was my life. I could go back to year one of us being together and see the similarities or actually the EXACT same stories that were played out in my life over the years. I also got the book Fast Girl: A Life Spent Running from Madness by Suzy Favor Hamilton and listened to it on my audible in one day. I could not believe the similarities, and even some of the exact things that she said to her husband that my own husband has said to me. It was truly almost scary. I even reached out to her via Twitter to thank her for being honest with her struggle because a lot of it mimicked my life.

http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20436786,00.html

When I came across the above article, I really started to lean towards the fact that maybe this wasn't a midlife crisis after all, and began leaning towards that it was more than likely a true mental illness.

First, great mood. Bipolar disorder is characterized by up and down episodes of mania and depression. For the year following all of this happening, my husband had lost his job and had told me he was depressed. When all of this began to happen, he almost had a elated mood, like a euphoria. In fact, when I had discovered him to be at his girlfriend's house, he had called me prior to the job interview, we talked like best friends, he called me after the interview, we talked like best friends, and then he told me he was going to have dinner with his boss. When he called me back, he was in a manic phase for sure, so much so that the girlfriend that I had on the phone as a witness thought that he may be using drugs. He was talking 100 miles a minute and had intricate details of going to a bar with a boss, having drinks with the boss, exchanging Christmas presents with this boss, and how great the boss told him he was going to do with this company. All of it was lies, when he asked if I was having him followed and I replied, yes, He suddenly switched his tune and drove 6 hours back to me. He swore he had not had an affair that was the first time he had met her and that he wanted to work it out with me. He slept for 4 hours out of 72. This was a definite stage of mania. And for the months following he would leave town, come back and offer up this crazy extensive story with details and would sware he had been faithful. Extensive stories about things he did with other people and people who didn't even exist. He would rattle these stories off with such excitement that you had no other choice but to believe him. I always let him back in.

Second, Inability to complete tasks. Even though I wasn't living with him at this time, it was quite apparent that the only tasks that were being completed was her and then me. His job was suffering, his apartment was suffering, and most importantly his relationships were suffering. He didn't stop one thing and start another, he had several incomplete things going on all at once.

Third, Depression. Though I had not been with him, I was allowed to accompany him to his medical visit to see his primary care physician with whom he spoke of a major depression that he had been suffering through this past year. She asked if he felt like they needed to change his medications, but he swore he didn't need it. He did. He still does.

Fourth, Irritability. If you have read any of my blog, I need to say nothing more.

Fifth, Rapid speech. I never even knew what this was until I started reading about BPD. Rapid speech or pressured speech is where the person talks rapidly (as evidenced by the night he was caught) and even begins talking over you. All three of our counseling sessions were with him talking over me, and any phone call that we have is him telling me to shut the eff up over and over and over and then if I try to complete my sentence, he would talk over me. That is why we communicate in email form. It's counterproductive to say the very least.

Sixth, Trouble at Work. He is now rapidly approaching his third job of 2016, and it was nothing for us to often have 5-7 W-2's to fill out at the end of every year.

Seventh, Alcohol or Drug Abuse. Since all of this began, my husband has began drinking and smoking pot daily. The drinking not so often since the night of the refrigerator incident, but still. the pot, yes, daily. Prior to this, he maybe smoked weed twice in 18 years.

Eighth, Erratic Behavior. as if the hypersexuality wasn't enough, the grandiose thoughts and topics of conversation were bizarre.]From traveling to Spirit Quest and drinking Ahyauesca, to traveling this Summer to Thailand, California, all over the gulf coast, etc.  People were coming to stay with him, he was going here and there, etc. Then we can't forget we are all just "mini-gods". Along with the grandiose thoughts came paranoid ones as well. When asked if he had bed bugs, he came back with I could have anyone inspect his premises at any time. No one wanted that! I just needed to know what kind of bugs were there because they were in my daughter's bed because that could seriously be a problem. I have been accused of everything over and over and most the time I am dumbfounded that he would think that I would spend my time coming up with the craziness!

Ninth, Sleep problems. They have been ever more apparent as this has played out. He either barely sleeps, or sleeps a lot. There is no in between.

Tenth, Flight of ideas, often what happens prior to experiencing Pressured speech. Thoughts racing out of control. Name calling, over and over telling me to shut the eff up. It's truly been a very trying time.

As I said before, my husband has not been officially diagnosed, but if this blog sounds like something you have been through or have watched a loved one go through, then I encourage you to do your research on Bipolar Disorder. As the lady from NAMI told me today, there is hope, don't give up hope because there is a very good chance that once on medication, he will want to begin picking up the pieces of his life back up. Peace be with you, and with me and my family as this emotional roller coaster unfolds.

Forces Unite

As if my life weren't hectic enough, last night after staying up until almost 1:30 catching up my blog, and purging all of my thoughts, I had just dozed off to sleep when my 14 year old came in crying. She stated she had a nightmare about her daddy and wanted me to call him urgently. I told her to come in and lie down, but then in the doorway of my room was my son's friend who had been staying with us since our lives had taken this unfortunate turn. I asked what happened and to my horror I was told that this 19 year old man had entered my daughter's room and hid at the end of her bed, and touched her feet.

I. WAS. LIVID. 

My first response was to get my son up and tell him what was going on, My second response was to tell this man to get the hell out of my house, in fact as far from it as he could while I processed what had just happened, my daughter was beside herself because naturally she was startled awake by a man hiding at the end of her bed. After I told him he needed to leave, I called my husband and told him to come immediately. He did. 

For the first time in a long time, we were able to put our own feelings aside and handle this fiasco. Once again, another man that I had put trust in, and that had given me no reason to not trust him, had broken my trust. He had been hanging with my son day in and day out for about a year before our situation happened, and the thought process was to let him stay and begin to pay rent to prepare him and my son for moving out on their own in June of this year. He moved in In October, and was the model roommate. Paid rent on time, helped around the house. Never gave any of us a single reason not to trust him. Somewhere along the lines, those boundaries were crossed. 

My husband came over and laid down with me and my daughter once we collected the information to the story, and helped me comfort her until she fell asleep. Around 4:30 a.m. he left and went home. I woke up and got the kids ready for school, and drove the 14 year old and dropped her off. Due to little sleep, I woke up with a migraine and had to come back and lie in bed with a ice pack on my head for several hours. At 11:00 he showed back up to ensure that I was not alone when the man came back to retrieve his things from my house. 

I can not tell you how comforting it was to have him here. He ended up going back to work and then coming back later this afternoon when the young man finally showed up. His father came to pick him up and the situation was handled to say the least. Once again we laid on the bed while debriefing with the kids, and we talked with them and then he was able to leave. 

During this time, I received a call from a lady from NAMI, (National Alliance On Mental Illness) I had reached out to them to ask about a support group for Bipolar Disorder and families of loved ones with BPD. I explained all of the events over the past 9 months, and she spent almost 40 minutes explaining to me how much this sounded like a true Bipolar Episode with even some cycling, and told me my next steps were to get into the support group and go from there. Prior to her calling, he had told me that there was a good chance he was fixing to lose his job. I explained to her that it was like this all the time and that we had a divorce hearing rapidly approaching, She gave me steps and coping skills to put into place to be more stable for my children. 

I then came back into the house, we were able to handle the rest of this situation and he left. It was nice to see him back in tune with me, but due to the stressful situation he was full of anger and rage. I expected that though because I was full of it as well. I still remain hopeful for a miracle in our marriage, but I was thankful that he was there for me and there for my kids for the first time since he had left the last time.

God was definitely in this situation today. A man did not lose his life, and for that I'm thankful. I'm also thankful for him answering part of my prayer and beginning to be here for the children. He had a appointment again this evening, and said he would call us again tonight. I'm thankful that he stepped up to the plate, even though he told me several times that "This is what co-parenting should be" Yes, I'm completely aware, but when you can't stop raging long enough to even communicate with your wife, then that's not a environment conducive to being able to co-parent. Today, I'm rejoicing in the fact that my children are safe and happy and that prayers are being answered one day at a time.

May

When I left off, I had talked to him on the phone pretty much until May 4th. I told him I needed more help with the kids when I was working 12 hour shifts. The goal was for him to bring the kids dinner the next day. Since the 27th of April, with his last abrupt leave, my girls had very little to do with him. It wasn't as if he was trying too terribly hard, as I said he was the number one thing on his mind. That was evidenced by Thursday, May 5th. He told me he had been out to buy my Mother's Day gift that day, and then stated he would be taking them dinner, so they would be fed. He was also going to take our 14 year old to softball practice. I went ahead and made plans to have dinner with a friend after work for Cinco De Mayo. Imagine my surprise when my 17 year old called me in a tizzy stating "He's left town again, mom" I asked her what she meant and she stated that he had left my other daughter at softball and took off out of town. The entire pattern of behavior had began again.
Before calling me, they had tried to call him where their calls were either blocked or denied and sent to voicemail. They were beside themselves. I finally get a hold of him, (after I paid for my dinner, and left) to which he told me he was coming to apologize to both me and my oldest daughter. He claimed he had been at a dinner meeting for yet his 3rd job of 2016, but he then showed up at my house in a Jimi Hendryx t-shirt and plaid shorts. My daughter asked him if he had gone to the business meeting in that, to which he replied "Yes, it was just casual" visibly upset, she left the room and left the gifts that he gave her there on the chair. He did not offer me any apology. Just told me it was no longer any of my business what he does in his time and left. He claimed he would see me on Sunday for Mother's Day. Again, I am thankful for his now ex girlfriend, because of course I texted her first thinking he was gone to her. She was busy with family but told me absolutely not!

With that, it all began again. Getting the 10 year old only when he has to get her, and not hearing from him any other time. Last Thursday, he had taken the 14 year old on spur of the moment notice to the orthodontist for me, and picked the 10 year old up from chorus. He did not prepare them dinner, or make sure they had dinner, but I was still thankful for the help and told him so via e-mail. That night, I got off work because I knew he was making a deposit of child support that day. Or my bank account had $4.29 in it and I had 1/4 of a tank to get home and no way to pick up dinner for the kids. Because he has been so hostile with me, I was no longer accepting calls, and we communicated via email only. So I emailed to ask if he had made a deposit and......Crickets. No answer all the way back from the 40 minute drive in which I stopped by his house just to see if he could float me a $20 to get through until he could make a deposit.

Shocking, he wasn't home. In fact, he was with someone else, even though he denied it. By the time I made it home, the kids were asleep with no dinner. Still, no empathy, no remorse, even though I had told him on Tuesday how short I was on money. No anything but emails stating he would deposit the next day. I then tried to call him from my daughters phone, and he just sat there, stating he had not been with anyone else and blah. blah. blah. This was the third week that we had gone through the same pattern of behavior, and so at this point I gave up. The next morning, I drove over to his house and tried to communicate with him face to face, but he was being so hateful to me that it was impossible and so I drove to the courthouse to file the rest of my paperwork. I finally got him to call me and I sat on the phone crying, begging, and pleading for him not to make me do this but he was adamant. 40 minutes later, with tears streaming down my face, I walked into the courthouse to file the remaining paperwork and....

The System Was Down.

The system was down from the storm, and at that point there was nothing I could do. I emailed him and let him know that this was God's way of not wanting our marriage to be broken. His reply was "Or it's just a storm" He talked to me some more, that afternoon and our conversation about our marriage ending was heavy, but then I noticed he was whistling. No Empathy, No Remorse. I begged him not to go be with anybody else and to consider what all we had talked about that day and his response was "You vastly overestimate me, Geez" but that night, he was seen by a friend of mine from work out with another woman. When I called him on Saturday morning, he had again blocked my number, and when I finally got a hold of him, He did tell me that he was with her, but that she was just a friend. I was sad, but went into self preservation mode. No more could I take being treated this way. It wasn't fair.

It also wasn't fair to my kids, whom as of today (Tuesday) had not heard from him since last Thursday. My 14 year old called him 8 times in a row on Saturday, and even though I sent him a copy of the call log, he states he only missed one call. They try to reach out to him, and he either doesn't answer, sends them to voicemail, or can't help get them to where they need to be, yet after his weekend of fun he comes around to trying to talk to them again. He doesn't understand that the lies that he isn't with someone else, coupled with the fact that last week when he was actually with the 14 year old, he spent the entire time sitting on his phone claiming he was emailing me, and that ignoring the calls only sets them back. It sets them back and then when he is ready to get his toys off the shelf and play with them, they aren't interested. THIS BEHAVIOR INFURIATES ME. As their mother, I am totally invested. In fact, A few weeks ago I met a great guy, but then decided that two wrongs don't make a right, so I didn't pursue it. I feel that the most important thing right now is working on me, and devoting all of my time and attention to them since he is no longer able. So although I was flagged down, with the kids in the car, on the way home from the beach this week, and would have loved to have gotten to know that person better, throughout the next few weeks/months I'm going to focus on being the best mom/dad to them that I can because obviously right now he isn't capable of doing such.

Today, I ran across a ultramatch on my Plenty of Fish account. Back when I thought there was no hope for he and I, I set it up and began looking around my area to eventually meet someone. I logged on today and there in my ultramatch was none other than my husbands account. His religion: New age, He's a free thinker, wants more kids, only smokes on occasion, does not do drugs, and drinks socially. Many things stuck out to me here. One, we were a ultramatch. Two, He wants more children? He has FOUR that he's struggling with now!!!!! Three, He smokes around 2 ppd, drinks daily, and smokes marijuana. Once again, starting his life out a lie. I called him from my little one's phone and asked him what he meant he wanted more children. He stated he did not. I asked him if had plans to leave his family and start a new one with someone else, to which he replied no. Then he began being ugly to me again. When we hung up, he called back and asked to talk to our 10 year old. She did not want to talk to him, which was then blamed on me. He then said he would see me Friday at 6 to which I explained that she does not want to go with him because last time his house was infested with bugs. He continued to blame this on me, and told me that I wasn't helping foster a relationship. I explained that I had helped him and told her the bugs were gone, but of course I had not. It was like talking in a riddle. He will now be showing up on Friday to pick her up with a sheriff. I don't understand what he wants me to do, he has told me anytime before that she didn't want to stay that he wouldn't press the issue. He has hardly ever taken his full time with her always bringing her home early or by a couple of hours or even a day. I am not going to force her to go because I was forced to go to my dad's and I had resentment about that. It's going to be a uphill climb to say the least.

About that anger with God, after going to a couple of church services and realizing that I had to let things go, I finally did. It was then that I realized that God is going to handle this entire situation in his own time. I can choose to remain angry and bitter, but the only person I am hurting is myself. What kind of mother would I be if I was full of anger and resentment? That's not setting a good example! God loves me enough to forgive every sin in my life, even when I can't forgive myself. His Grace and Mercy is new every day. Since all of this began, I have prayed that If God wasn't going to give me my husband back, that he would build a man that is perfect for us, and I have to trust that He is in the process of doing just that. Meanwhile, lots of bonding time happening around here. The girls and I have been cooking and baking, and getting into a new routine of not depending on him, but depending on each other. My 10 year old is grabbing her bible and reading it to me now, and the other girls are still going to church every week. Prayers are being answered every single day, even though I don't deserve them to be. So you see, I'm the only Jesus that my kids and other people around me are going to see right now, and I want Him to one day take my hand and say Well done, my good and faithful servant. Until then, I have faith that everything will work out in His timing, and that Love will prevail.

April

Exactly one month ago today, on April 24th, my marriage ended. Some could say it ended the day he left in September, But I never gave up fighting for him, for me, for our family, until April 24th. And really even then, I talked with him on the phone until April 27th begging him to reconsider.

After Easter weekend began the month of pure hell on earth. He finally calmed down around the 1st or 2nd of April and came around that the fight we had was pretty stupid on both of our parts, and he came back for about 5-7 days. While he was here, he was in tune, and was great with the kids. On Monday, April 11th, I saw a guy that had met me back in February, and told me he had seen me at the gym. I thought it was a pickup line and blew it off. Until that day I never gave it another thought, instead he walked up to me at the gym, and asked if I remembered him. I tweeted to my girlfriends that he was real, and that it was awkward. I came home and he was packing his things again, and leaving me. He screamed that I was bragging on social media, and that it was disrespectful to him, so of course I immediately removed my tweet. I was just tweeting to them that it made me feel awkward, but seeing it from his point of view helped. This time, I didn't run after him, I didn't call and yell and I gave him space. Instead he called me, called me horrible names (it begins with a c) and talked horribly to me. The next day was our counseling appointment.

The prior two weeks of counseling had been completely worthless. I tried to hold in my stuff until we could get there with a mediator, and that just made things worse. The counselor herself even said that I was sending a message and for some reason, he was no longer receiving it. In fact the entire past two sessions, he had spent telling his side, and then I would interject, and try to tell my side, which was interrupting, always, and then he would end up talking over me until the point that I felt like between the counselor and him, I couldn't get a word in edge wise. I would then either continue to get upset. or shut down completely. The day of the 12th, he launched into the tweet thing and how furious it had made him, (and even she agreed that it really was not something that should have been so dramatic that he felt the need to pick up and leave) but he just kept on until finally, I began crying and then shut down. At that time, Our counselor just focused the entire rest of the session on him and told him that after working with my children, and with me, that she felt like he could be bipolar. She explained that her daughter was bipolar, and what would it hurt for him to go have a mental evaluation, and just tell the doctor that he wants to make sure that  his brain is firing on all cylinders. He agreed to do that to her, but of course when we left, this was all my fault and I had convinced the counselor that something was wrong with him.

Lets pause here for a second. Over the past several months of this bizarre and peculiar behavior, I have tried, as a medical professional, to figure out how a man, (and not just any man) could go from being head over heels in love with his wife to being head over heels in love with someone else, how the same man could begin drinking and using marijuana on a daily basis, how a man that loved me so much could talk to me with so much disgust and hate in his voice that it was like talking to a complete stranger, how the man was now lining up his fork and knife symmetrically and perfectly aligned at the dinner table, (and spending ample time to do this, always looking to see if I'm going to acknowledge him doing it) but most of all, how a man that was a loving and swiftly devoted father, could go for days, and weeks without seeing his kids. At first, I blamed it on the medications. They added Metformin and Lipitor to his already in place dose of Wellbutrin. We know that Metformin is known to accumulate in the liver, and sometimes decrease the effectiveness of certain medications. So at first, especially since it was exactly 10 days from taking it, it had to be that, right? In the back of my mind too, when I have wives bring their husbands in to the ER with odd and peculiar behavior that came out of nowhere, there has also been the possibility of a stroke or maybe a brain tumor. Maybe that was it! I was reaching because this wasn't just about the lies, and the lies to her, the children and me, it wasn't just about an affair, it was about his entire being changing in a matter of days right before my eyes. All the while screaming nothing was wrong, and that he was "Just sick of my shit" I had also ran across the interesting article that talked about a midlife crisis.

http://www.wikihow.com/Identify-a-Male-Midlife-Crisis-%28For-Women%29

That was it! It had to be it!!
First: The emotional changes, he had just come off from a year of not having a job, and had decided to reinvent himself as a man.
Second, His temper. His temper was absolutely positively out of control and he would rage at me one minute and leave town and block our numbers, but then he would come back into town, smooth things over, have sex with me again, and then rage again.
Third: Detachment, oh he had detached all right, from everything and everyone that he had once worked so hard for and everything he was proud of.
Fourth: He never thought about his mortality, in fact he was seemingly acting invincible
Fifth: His religious beliefs. His father is a Baptist preacher, He himself has had a calling on his life, his entire life, yet now, he considered himself to be a part of the New Thought movement and had told me once while meditating that "we were all just mini gods" which is so far fetched from the man that would sit and quote things right out of the bible. I learned more from him at times than I did from the bible itself!
Sixth: Changes in his appearance, once he was diagnosed with diabetes, he began running and only eating protein bars and water dropping 110 lbs in 10 weeks. It has taken me a year to lose 102 lbs, so that was not exactly safe!
Seventh: He obsessed over his appearance and then began buying new clothes.
Eighth: He began exhibiting reckless behavior, including but not limited to walking up to anyone anywhere and asking them if he knew where to get some weed. He also began drinking bourbon heavily, and smoking weed daily.
Ninth: He changed jobs.
Tenth: He began seeking extra sexual attention from me, and quite obviously from her
I could continue going, but as you can see everything that the article above talked about described his behavior perfectly to a T. It had to be a midlife crisis.

Bipolar Disorder was something else.

Over the course of April, he would come back, and leave, come back and leave much like he did through the 9 months before. He left me over the tweet, he left me because our 14 year old was having a bad night and blurted out "I hate this family" And then, on April 24th, just one day after coming clean with every detail about the affair, he left me because I had too much wine and shared something about my sex life with my cousins. My cousins who know everything there is to know about me, and me about them. In fact, he waited until we got home, kept me up until 3 am telling me how disrespectful and rude it was. Came to bed, had sex with me, got up the next morning and without saying a word, he left. I tried to give him his space, tried not to call him that weekend. Continued hanging out with my family and friends, and then on Monday, when he had let it go on for another three days, I finally lost my stuff. Still even as angry as I was, I tried to talk to him talk some sense into him, tried to make him see what we were worth, and he would not. I explained that moving back in together would have been the best thing for us, but that it requires digging your heels in working through the problems as they arise. He wasn't hearing it. I even had my Christian mentor from work call and talk with us over the phone at which time he made some sense, and when we got off the phone he asked me to stay and watch some TV and I thought maybe we were headed in the right direction. However, the next day he was back to raging again, and it was no use. I tried to talk to him over the phone and in person clear through the first week of May, but he was adamant.

And still my anger with God grew and festered. I couldn't take all of this behavior, my life felt so out of control. And my kids? Well how do you think any of this was benefiting them? If he was here, obviously because I hold him to a certain standard, he was  a great dad, but let him get away from here, and the #1 thing on his mind was him. I continued praying, and reading my bible although not as frequent as I had been before he came back. I also began working a TON on self-forgiveness, but I was still a volcano waiting to erupt with anger. Not towards him, not towards her, but towards God. How was He watching this unfold? How was He letting me go through this persecution and not stopping it? It would be at least another month before I would get that answer to my question. Thankfully, God already knew it was coming.

March

It has been quite some time since I have been able to update the blog. My life has been a crazy roller coaster of emotions, and the kids have pretty much been running the show. As if I didn't have enough on my plate, my son brought home a pit bull puppy mix. First of all, we have two miniature dachshunds. Second, I had already said no time and again (after losing my oldest doxie, Libby last year) but he still took it upon himself, while my husband and I traveled to Orlando for his business trip, to bring the puppy home and...

The damn thing ate my computer charger.

I don't know if you realize what it's like to wait for him to replace said computer charger, and wait, and wait...and today, May 24th, I finally received the charger in the mail and wait for it...

It was the wrong charger for my computer.

I, in turn, had to go to Wal-Mart and buy a computer charger until he can get the money for the wrong one back. Just a day in my life. :)

So back to the story. On March 21st, I traveled with him to Orlando for business. I did know that he had asked that the girlfriend not come to the hotel, or that we would be scheming anything together that would interrupt his business dinner (or that's how I understood it at least) but she and I had already formed a bond outside of him, and as weird and crazy as it may sound, I wanted to meet her. I wanted to know the person that had spent the last 6 months of her life with my husband. I wanted to know what he told her about me, and I wanted to meet this person that had been there for me through all of this craziness and drama. We were sort of in this situation together. I dropped him off at the business dinner and drove about 40 minutes away to meet her.

So much healing took place with that meeting. First of all, She was great. And I know that it sounds crazy, and as I have said before it had to be a God thing because sitting across from each other was probably one of the hardest things that either one of us had ever had to do. I could go on and on about the woman, but I will just leave it at it was the best move I ever made. It showed me that the relationship was built on more lies than what we had originally discussed, and her and I both deserved better. After the meeting, I drove back to get him. When I was honest and told him we had met, he was completely furious. He and I had probably one of the biggest fights we had ever had until he held my wrist and made me thumbprint into my phone. He was raging out of control and when I finally did what he asked me to do, he called her and cussed her and told her to stay away from his family. He then continued to scream at me and told me we were over. He screamed and raged so loud that I finally thought I would leave, call her because I knew no one else, and stay and come back and get him tomorrow. Instead when I tried to get in the car and drive away, he ran after my car slung open the door and told me he would take my children away from me for good. I was scared. I came back up to the room and we went to sleep, but at 6 a.m. he was ready to go. When we got home we were over for good.

I had no idea that I was not to ever meet the woman. On the way back home, we passed her exit and he asked if I wanted to go see "my new bestie" at that time I said she was probably at the hospital, but yes I would not mind going to see her. When I text her, she said we should all meet for breakfast. So as crazy as that sounds, that's exactly what we did. For the first time, she was able to see the man that I had been talking about. Horrible tone, horrible the way he spoke to both me and her, she would try to calm him, and there was no calm. Eventually, he did finally calm down, listen to some reason, and I thought we all walked away on a good note.

The drive back home was amazing. He was so in love with me, couldn't wait to share the rest of our lives together, etc etc. It was the first time that he had talked with and shared everything with me in months. I finally felt like healing could begin. We came back home and made love time and again, but a couple of days after being back, my girlfriend arrived from Tennessee to spend the weekend with me. She has stayed with me multiple times both when he was living here, and now when he wasn't. This trip had been planned since before I knew anything would be happening between us. There was a ton of times that I left her in the kitchen, or in the garage to go in the bedroom with him, and the first night that she was there, her, I, and my local girlfriend was sitting in the garage, he came out there and kept calling me over and saying naughty things in my ear, and wanting me to come back into the bedroom with him. I kept going with it, after all I was so happy to have him back.

The next day, she and I spent the day together doing girly stuff,  and enjoying the time. He acted completely normal like nothing was bothering him, and then that night I spent making love to him. On Saturday, she had wanted to go back to the club that we had gone to in February for our birthdays. He never told me he didn't want me to go and we didn't until 10 p.m. that night. I had told him that since this was planned before he was back, I didn't want him to feel compelled to stay. He told me he didn't mind and would stay with the kids, but the moment that I got to the club, he was texting me that my daughter had said "well my dad doesn't live here anymore and he can't tell me what to do" so he was going to go home. I had had a couple of drinks, so of course I was dumbfounded. At first, I tried to answer him kindly and say I'm sorry she said that, I will talk to her tomorrow, I'm sorry that you feel like you want to go home. But his favorite thing to do when he is good and angry is to reply with one word. Yup. And that's when you know you have made him mad. So, for the rest of the night, I was text fighting him back and forth aside from the two pictures that I took with two gentleman who were traveling to the area or were from the area that his girlfriend lived in. I sent them to her because I was actually talking to the gentleman about my friend that lived in Tampa, but you know, I did everything wrong.

Yes, I know it was in poor judgment to go to the club, but had he have let me know anytime before I left, I wouldn't have gone. Yes, I wanted my marriage to work, but I also had a single friend who had met a gentleman the last time she was there and she was eager to go back and see him again. This had been planned way before he and I were ever trying to work things out. Yes, I took pictures with the new gentleman and the guy sitting next to him who was talking about the Tampa area with him that was interested in my friend, but by no means, no way, no how, did I do anything to try and jeopardize or sabotage my marriage. I couldn't. I was fully captivated by the texting fight we were having. After we made it back home, I dropped off my friends and then headed over to his house where once again he raged at me until almost 6 a.m. The next day was Easter.

I came home that morning, and made baskets, the most pitiful baskets ever, and placed them on the fireplace. I cried and cried and cried and then took my girlfriend to get her car. He came over and I tried to make him understand that I knew what I did wrong, and apologized over and over, but he wasn't hearing it. He came out for a few minutes and talked with my family as they arrived, and then the left. He said he was going home to take a nap, instead he texted me all day back and forth telling me it was over. He made me completely miserable. At one point my cousin's husband even threatened to take my phone away because he was blowing it up. I kept begging him to just come back and enjoy Easter, but he would not.

Looking back at the toxicity now, I can see what a horrible position I was in. Since when had I let ANYONE put their hand around my wrist and hold it until I had a bruise to "thumbprint in"? this was not me and not the person I had ever been. I was so broken that I let him treat me however and just kept begging. If this were my daughter in this situation, I would have known exactly what to say and do to make her to want to get out. This was a complete train wreck. He wanted to work it out with me, or he was just looking for the next wrong move so he could get out again. As the next month played out, you will see the pattern and see that it was ALL me. It was all me who did everything wrong. I finally had to learn when to say enough.

During this time, I can not explain the anger I had with God. I couldn't understand why before he came back, and before all of this unfolded, that I was with my kids day in and day out and they were hurting. Somewhere in my mind, I was able to reason out that I was not the best wife and that this was probably my punishment for the times that I got angry with him, but the kids? Why was God letting this happen to my kids? Then, when he was saying that he wanted to come back, my kids would let so much of their anger go, they would let him come back in, and they really would try to be better, because he had told me and them too that they were part of the reason that he left. When he was here, and wasn't in the bedroom with me, he was more involved, and they were so much happier. That was my ultimate goal, that we could unite and come out of this whole thing stronger. Instead, we were on a sinking ship, and where was God? Why wasn't he answering my prayers and hearing my cries? During this time, I let my husband take me down the slippery slope with him, and even made several questionable decisions myself. Anger. It fueled my day from the moment I woke up, until the moment I laid my head down at night. Thankfully, God could handle it.