Closure

In a strange turn of events, I finally received the closure that both the kids and I needed to move forward. On Monday, I had a conversation with my husband letting him know what days softball practice would be and making sure that he would keep the kids for the weekend so that I could finally get a break and take a mini vacation to Key West. He informed me that he had already cleared it with my 19 year old, and that he would be gone for the weekend. I explained that there is no way that he could be gone, if I am 12 hours away, and he is 6 hours away and one of the kids needed one of us in an emergency, that would not work. He was adamant that he would be going out of town. I had finally had enough. I told him that I have asked for one weekend away in 6 months, actually this was the second weekend I had asked for. I asked that he stay in town and keep the kids for my birthday weekend because I had a friend coming in town from Tennessee and we had plans. He told me that weekend that he could not, he was going out of town for business, and was not sure yet where he would be. Convenient that he was going out of town for Valentines weekend, but I digress. In the court documents, we are supposed to offer the parent first right of refusal for child care, and I just needed a break for goodness sake! He did not budge. Finally, I told him it was not okay that everything was coming before his kids, that I was tired of being done this way, I was tired of the kids being done this way, and that I was texting his girlfriend. I hung up, tapped out the text and hit send. I honestly thought I was blocked, from the first time we had communicated.

The next morning, I received a text back asking for a email address to send communication. We went back and forth, and then she just asked if she could call me. I told her sure, I feel like formal communication was best anyway. She ended up getting stuck at the office and I finally texted and asked if she could call yet. At first, the text I received was telling me that she loved him and that I was trying to hurt him and basically she remained undaunted. I knew he had gotten to her and filled her with lies. We texted back and forth and were making no progress, in fact things were escalating. I finally explained to her that I have nothing to gain by lying to her, and my children have nothing to gain by me lying to her. Everything she had read in this blog was a timeline of events taken straight from my journal that I kept on my phone and placed into this blog. I told her she could talk to the kids, they would tell her first hand that we had lived it. I guess he had given her their numbers, and she called Sam thinking it was Savannah. Sam called her back. The calmest kid I have, hates confrontation but went in his room and shut the door to talk. About that time, I could here Savannah screaming at the top of her lungs inside the house, I went running in and found her sliding down the wall as she screamed bloody murder at her dad who was on the phone. I will never understand why we had to endure this. I calmly took the phone from Sam and said, "It's Keyana can you see what you both are doing to my children?"

On the other end of the line was a calm, soft spoken woman who explained that she wasn't the one doing this. Not at all what I expected. I was waiting for confrontation, and probably a few bad words. I had been praying all day, however, that God would give me the right things to say and to remain completely calm, but in talking with her, the conversation came easily. I reviewed with her the different timeline of events, the bizarre behavior, and as I sat there and listened, she revealed to me that she was not the "mistress" that I thought after all. She explained that a close relationship had developed and that he had indeed spent weekends with her, but denied that a sexual relationship had taken place. I find it very hard to believe that two consenting adults would not have a sexual relationship when spending weekends together, but what did she gain from lying? And I just had to trust that having a conversation with me was showing me a little something about her character.

As we went on to talk, it was clearly evident that my husband had painted quite the picture for her. From my understanding, there were several lies and a lot of manipulating that was going on in both directions. She was being manipulated and lied to about interactions and things with his kids, and I was being manipulated and lied to about it all. Suddenly I realized that the woman I have accused time and again for having zero moral character, actually had some morals after all. It became clear that he was pursuing her pretty heavily, and although it hurt to hear, its the closure that I needed. I know that it takes two to tango, and I realize you are probably sitting here thinking WHAT? How can you sit and have a conversation with a woman that was involved with your husband in some type of affair, but the only answer I can give is Jesus. I asked she just step aside and  leave him alone, no calls, no texts, no handwritten letters, nothing. Don't give him the option to come to your house, then he has to stay here and he has to be a better parent, and if our marriage fell back into place, then so be it. It was a last ditch plea to make her see that we have a family, a history, a marriage that was worth it, and even if she had no clue that she was the third party, she was indeed the third party.

At the end of the conversation, and trust there were some laughs and everything shared, I saw that this "mistress" as I had called her before was not the person responsible for destroying our marriage, in fact I think she was not clued in very well at all. Just like I had been broadsided at the restaurant, I think she was broadsided by all of this, because this was heavy, heavy stuff. I ended the conversation by just asking her to consider stepping aside to see where things went. She thanked me and we hung up.

First and foremost, I would like to apologize because when I am wrong, I say I am wrong. After talking with her, I found out that he had not been traveling to see her as far back as October, he was just being untruthful and secretive, and not only was it unfair to his children and myself but it was a bit unfair to her too. I have this blog, and as you can see I have been writing and blaming much of this on her as well as him. For that I am truly sorry. I believe that everything happened for a reason, and that God placed this person and conversation in my life for a reason. There is so much I want to say but just know that I do forgive you, Mellisa and I ask that you forgive me too for anything written here that caused you to think that these were lies or that I was trying to hurt you or him. It's merely part of my story, my story that I am going to use to reach out to other women who have been through a similar circumstance, and you were a part of it. I see you for your courage to even get on the phone and hear my story, but most of all for listening to my children and hearing and respecting them.

The next phone call I got was from him. He told me that that he effing hated me over and over. He asked why I would ruin this for him? He told me that he was now going to be at my house on Friday morning to ruin my life. He screamed and I tried to explain that I did not have personal vendetta against him, that we just needed answers! We have sat here for months, and have made very little progress because every time he comes back to town, and we see glimpses of the man that we once new and loved, we have a glimmer of hope and we start back at square one. He ended by calling me a effing b and said I just needed to vent. I hung up. He called again twice and I texted and said when you can speak to me rationally, I will answer and I did. He told me he was traveling for work, but that he was very angry. I told him I understood, but we have been in misery for months! The second conversation was better minus the cussing.

At 7:30 this morning, I received a text from her that stated I could tell my girls that she had decided to step aside. I explained that I kind of figured from the phone call I got, and explained that he was traveling for work. She then texted back and told me that he was not traveling for work, he drove to her and walked in the door at her house, unbeknownst to her and she lost it. They spoke for an hour and she kicked him out. The thing that hurt me the most was that his children's lives had been shattered again last night, and he ran to her. Not to them, not to me, but 6 hours away to her. It was obvious that was the most important thing to him right now. As the morning went on, I received a call from him and I called back. He told me he was sorry for how he had been hurting me, sorry for the way he had been hurting the kids, and he just wanted to be a better parent for the kids, heal them, be best friends with me again and move forward. It was not a good talk on my behalf because her and I had been texting and I knew that he had just lied to me again. And the apology, though I want it to be sincere, seemed like everything she had said her wishes were for us, the night before he hung up the phone. He told me that we were never getting back together. I asked him why? Why then did he chase me throughout the weekend, ending with us in bed? He had no answer, which infuriated me even more. Later, I did tell him I was very angry but am trying very hard to react to him differently. I reached out and told him that we have a vow together and vowed to raise our children together. We never wanted them to be from a divorced home, I begged him to look into his soul and to try to see that he is fixing to lose 5 very precious things. It fell on deaf ears.

I had let myself slip. On Saturday night he had begged me until almost 2 am to come over and sleep with him, I remained strong, and told him no. He had to choose me or her, he couldn't keep having both. Not to mention, I had to be up at 5 for work. He was unrelenting until I finally had to hang up. On Sunday, when I went to say goodbye, he was holding me, and I slipped. I forgot to keep loving myself enough to not let it happen again. When he was standing there holding me, he began to kiss my neck and that was the end. I left around three with him still begging me to stop and stay.

Throughout the day, some type of relationship developed between her and I. She was easy to talk to and we texted and shared some laughs. I now have a respect for the woman that I one had none for, and I think she has some respect for me. There is only one person who can author that story and his name is God. This continues to be a story of Good winning, because several times throughout these months, I could have made that 6 hour drive and Evil would have won and my life could be forever decidedly different. I continue to remain thankful for how far He has brought me through all of this, and I am proud for how far He has brought her too. Now the toughest part begins. Praying for my husband to find Jesus again. I am going to have my work cutout for me.

Baby Steps

My heart is full of joy and sadness at the same time.
So many mixed emotions came with this past weekend. It was my children's weekend with their dad, and in all honesty, when I drove to the gas station up the road that we meet at, I felt this would be the weekend that he finally stood them up. The 10 year old and 14 year old felt the same way, in fact I had to take them to the park and then to dinner so they wouldn't know that would be our final stop. When we arrived at the gas station, they caught on pretty quick and both adamantly told me they were not going with him and I couldn't make them. I honestly didn't think it would be a problem, because he wasn't going to show I thought.  After all, we had called this week when we needed him, and were sent to voicemail over and over again. Hearts broken, over and over still almost 6 months later.  This was the week that I figured he would finally make her the priority in his life, but thankfully I was wrong.

On 2/16, I had finally had enough and decided I couldn't carry the load for even one more second. I committed that day to praying for my husband and his mistress with and open and loving heart for at least 30 days. This was not for anything other than my own growth. Praying for Him, Lord, please open his eyes and let him see the wonderful blessings you have given him right here at home, and God if it isn't your will that he come back to us, at least make him a better dad to my kids. It was a full surrendering of my life to Christ that came along with it as well.

For Her: Oh wow, probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. That God would convict her heart, and her mind so that she would see that we were very much a happy family until she preyed on my husband, and that the weight of her actions would lie so heavily on her mind, that she just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know how to pray any further. But I said this prayer Morning and Night as well as daily prayers over my Husband from The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormi O'Martian, and Praying for your Husband from Head to Toe by Sharon Jaynes. More time was definitely spent in prayer for him, but still I prayed for them every day, twice a day.

He showed up on Friday, 2/19  at the gas station. When I got out of the car to tell him his children didn't want to go with him, he told me he was going to have me arrested for impeding his visitation with them.  I told him to get them out of the car! I was by no means impeding relationships with his children in any way. He tried and they refused. Of course the conversation waxed and waned. He told me I was acting like I was on a episode of Jerry Springer because I kept getting up and standing on my tiptoes and speaking life at him. Sorry if I am over passionate about you being a good parent to your children, and putting us first over your girlfriend!! He claimed his phone went dead on Wednesday night, and that's why he couldn't speak to his girls. But my 14 year old sent a email at 9:20 and by 9:47 she had received a reply, sent from iPhone. He still claimed that he wasn't anywhere but traveling for work. I wanted so desperately once again to believe him, but I knew I had to guard my heart. At the end, I told him that not only did I know that I had hurt him during our marriage, but that there was a time when I would have done anything, to fix it, and would have spent the rest of my life making him happy. We drove away and he followed me home, but I had company so he left again.

I talked to my 10 year old because during the interaction at the gas station, he had presented her the phone he had been promising for many months. I told her he really did want her to spend the night with him, and asked would she reconsider. I never want to be told that I am the one impeding a relationship. I have chased my husband for 6 months, begging him to be the man and father that he was called to be for this family. I have lived first hand with a broken relationship with a father, and its the last thing I would ever want for my children. I have begged him to see our beauty and our worth. I have asked over and over, emailed begging, pleading, and crying on behalf of my family. It continued to fall on deaf ears. My 10 year old conceded, and I took her to his apartment. It was my way of extending a olive branch to him once again. We talked for about 30 minutes. I just wanted him so desperately to understand that we were nowhere near a divorce, and that I would have done anything to fix it. Maybe she remained on the phone in his pocket, I am unsure because he was on the phone when we arrived, but at the end he told me that he wanted to just be co parents and that I needed to try to do that. I looked at him and said "I just brought your daughter to you, I am trying and have been trying for months" and I walked away.

He called me later that night and thanked me for bringing her to him, I told him he was welcome. He had agreed earlier to talk with our children over dinner on Saturday or Sunday. I couldn't believe how  my prayers were working! The conversation was short, but Saturday morning when I woke up for work I noticed that he had called twice again after I fell asleep. It's these phone calls that I will always wonder about. Was there something else that He wanted to say?

Saturday, he took our oldest car shopping. In the middle of the day he called my cell but didn't leave a message. When I text him, he told me that it went well, and thanked me repeatedly for talking with the kids the night before and trying to help him with their relationship. You are welcome, was my reply. The 10 year old didn't want to spend the night with him again and he didn't press the issue. On the way home from work, he called again and he just told me thank you I told him he was welcome. I have never wanted anything other than the father that my children used to have back in their lives. Once I got home, he called me again. Words that still needed to be said, I could feel it. We began talking and I just tried over and over to make this man see our beauty. God's treasures specifically created in this family that Satan was wanting so desperately to destroy. My gf was sitting beside me, the more life I spoke the angrier he got. When I got to Love bears ALL things, it endures ALL things he just kept saying Okay well, I'm not doing this, and we finally hung up. I just felt it my duty to continue telling my husband over and over that God doesn't want this for us, for any of us. Afterwards we texted, and right before bed I called him back. He had had some bourbon, and the conversation was going pretty decent. I asked him if he loved her, and the phone fell silent. My heart broke, but the conversation was also so freeing it was almost like the high I get after I run. I asked again. "Andy, Do you love her?" He replied, "I don't know." I remained completely calm as the one who took a vow with God and with me to love me for eternity, practically declared his possible love for someone else. I couldn't breathe, but God gave me the right words to say. In that moment, I told him not to risk everything he has here for someone who may potentially break his heart later. "I shouldn't care if you walk out in traffic and get hit by a truck at this point after all that you have done to us, but I do." I carefully chose my words hoping that just one of them would touch his heart. I continued talking and then when it was his turn he fell silent again. "I was your best friend for 18 years, just open your mouth and talk to me" he told me if he opened his mouth, that the conversation would turn inappropriate. "Not what I am talking about, but there again, I am your wife" We stayed on the phone until almost two a.m. talking like old friends and flirting with each other. "You hang up, no you hang up" I really thought prayers were being answered. Was he starting to finally see our beauty again?

Sunday 2/21, I got up and went to work. I heard nothing all day, but I knew we were meeting for dinner at 8pm. I was so excited and when I got there and we saw each other, it was like we were still together and best friends. I laid the ground rules and let each child begin to speak. My son went first, he cried and told him that everything this man has ever taught us was now a lie. He was angry, I cried to see my 19 year old grown son cry! But across from me was this man who just continued eating his salad with zero emotion on his face. No apology, no words said. Then it was the 14 year old, she told him how she felt and that he had used up his chances with her, when she needed him he wasn't there. Still, no emotion, just continuing to eat his salad. My 10 year old had nothing to say, and then it was my 17 year olds turn. My daughter who is bravely strong, fiercely independent, and so spunky you can't stand it sometimes, the one who had her own secret handshake with her dad that she did every single night before bed. She began telling him that she would now be talking to him like everything was a business proposition since that is the way he speaks to her. She showed very little emotion but talked about how he destroyed her family, how he destroyed her, how she has had to miss school because the grief was so severe that some days she couldn't get out of her bed. She poured her heart out and then followed up with "Now we want truthful answers"  He agreed. Still no tears shed, no emotion on his face. "Are you in a relationship?" She asked  "Yes" he replied. "Does she live in Tampa?" "Yes" he replied. "Is it Mellisa? " "Yes" he replied. In that moment, as I was broadsided in a public restaurant, as my children's hearts broke, there was no amount of Jesus that could hold me. My first thought, oh me and her are meeting tonight, to which he began telling me he was getting a restraining order..at this point we were in the parking lot. He then calmed me down enough that we went back inside to which he tried to tell my children, no relationship developed until just a few weeks ago. LIES!! All LIES!! I had caught him at her home now twice!! I got mad and walked out again, after tossing water into his face. I had enough. And once again, there are our poor children in a restaurant, with their lives shattered. I bet she slept good though.

We went back in and paid the bill and as the children walked out, standing one by one with tears rolling down their faces, still zero emotion, nor one tear shed. He tried to tell them he loved them.  My oldest had called her boyfriend to come get her and my 14 year old. My 10 year old got in the car with me. My son just drove himself. Shock. Broken Hearts. One Man, One Woman destroying 5 lives. It was absurd. He followed me home, and we talked some more. All I wanted was answers. HE told me he would call me tomorrow. He made it home and called and asked if we could have a old fashioned Andy and Keyana talk, and I said yes. In that moment, I really felt God was working and this was it, so I went first and confessed my soul to him. He did actually cry at that moment, and told me he was so sorry, but then when it was his turn, he wouldn't answer a thing. "You don't get to know my actions anymore" This isn't quid pro quo" my heart broke again. I had fought for 6 months for our family, for us, and this was it. I ended up driving to his home, I laid my head on his chest and held his hand, and I cried, and cried, and cried. As I laid there, I envisioned him laying in the hospital about to draw his last breath. This. This is what it feels like to lose the love of your life. I thought about every good time we had, every baby we held, every breath he took, the good times, the bad times, it all flashed before my eyes. This. This is what it was like to say Goodbye. Hold me Jesus. I cried for almost two hours, and every time I would get up to leave he would tell me to stop. I wanted emotion, I wanted him to tell me I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen again. I stayed until almost 3. Heart Broken.

I woke up this morning and decided I would praise Him through this storm. I prayed for both of them again, and thanked God for the baby steps that were taken towards co-parenting. I love him, and always will, but right now, he can't see the beauty in me or in my children. God, please hold us in the upcoming weeks. Right now we are broken, but I know that you are perfect and you have a plan for us. Thank you, Jesus.

Non-Parenting

So another week has passed, and still no changes. I have given up on my children ever knowing or having him as their father again. This weekend was my birthday and Valentines Day. I had offered for him to keep his own children this weekend so I could have fun for once. After all, this would be his 7th trip where he has been gone and I have yet to get a break. Every reader by now knows the answer, he was going out of town. Still claiming it was business, and he didn't know where he would be for the weekend. Once again, she was the most important thing over my children.

This week my girls heard from him once on Wednesday, and once on Thursday. He made promises to buy Savannah a car, and talked with the little girls for 5 minutes on Thursday, and there was still no genuine personal interest in them, their lives, or their well being during that 5 minute phone call. Instead, he lied to them again and told them he was in Pensacola, when really they knew he was gone.

Then came the Valentines cards. A sad attempt at trying to look like a better father. My 10 year old opened hers and in it was a Taco Bell gift card. I am certain these were probably sent to him by his mother, to give the girls, but I digress. When the 10 year old opened the card she asked "Mommy, do you think any money is on it?" and there it was, out of the mouths of babes. In other words, we can't trust anything that he says or does anymore so there probably isn't.

My 14 year old wanted to burn her card and our counselor has said feeling that way is fine and burning therapy is a form of release. On Saturday, he left her a message that said "Hey it's daddy" to which she stated "Who does he think he is? He isn't my dad anymore, he's a sperm donor and nothing else." Mind you in the message he let her know he would be too busy on Valentines Day to actually call her.

My 17 year old showed zero emotion, took the taco bell gift card and said "this means nothing to me."

My 19 year old son asked where his card was, because after all, my ex had raised him since 6 months of age, but because my son has strong opinions and feelings of anger, I guess he is just going to write him off all together.

I ended up having a fantastic weekend despite the feelings and emotions that I was here having to deal with, because of course he was out of town again and can't.

I guess my number one question is how can anyone ever be more important than your children? How do you sleep at night with no guilt or shame about what you have done to them, and what you continue to do. How can she as the mistress be okay with this man treating his children and subsequently his ex wife with such little respect that he just drops everything to see her anytime he isn't required here? How do you go from being an almost stay at home dad with them to not seeing them at all, except for 48 hours every other weekend and even then you are so caught up in her that you can't even spend quality time with them? I mean you really think you know someone, but then they show you their true colors. I can't wait for her to see the true colors of this person, because I have a feeling she is going to be very shocked.

God is still working overtime and blessing us abundantly even through all of this. He continues to supply for our needs and at this point my children have resigned themselves to the fact that he isn't going to be here for them anymore as well.

Co-Parenting

I'm not sure why I thought this week would be any different, because it wasn't. He returned to town on 2/3 just in time to pick up my 10 year old for the weekend. On Friday, 2/5 I was at work and my 14 year old was having abdominal pain. Our email interaction had been a bit hateful the couple of days before, so I really didn't want to call him, but I was busy on the floor at work and I needed someone who could sit with my daughter. When he arrived I updated him on what was going on. I also told him he didn't need to lose more weight, at this point he almost looked sick. He stayed with her all day and I told him over and over that I appreciated him. I also told him on twitter that I appreciated him. He tweeted back that he would always be there for the kids. I tweeted him back and forth that he has not been, but that we had hoped he would be from now on, but that would take him giving us accountability and trust. At 10:30 that night my phone rang. He told me thank you for keeping him informed and allowing him to be present at the hospital. I told him thank you and I couldn't have done it without him. It was a great pone call and it left me hopeful that something was going to change.

On Sunday, 2/7 it was our 10 year olds adoption day. I sent him a email that morning from work:

Andy-

 First and foremost, I just wanted to say Happy Adoption Day, Daddy! Life certainly isn't how I wanted or dreamed of it being, but I think its important for us to realize together just how special that day was for both you and I. I miss having you at home to celebrate this special day with us.

I know that a lot has gone on, we have both done so much wrong, and for that I am truly sorry. Last week when I let go of a lot of things, the anger and bitterness was one of them. I hope you can tell that by our interaction Friday. I am still a little hurt that you still won't admit to doing anything wrong or having a relationship with Mellisa, but I hope that will come in time because as I said before, I was your best friend.

I am not sure just what about me placing your things on the front porch sent you over the edge, but I have known since your second trip to "Tallahassee" that you both were together. I still allowed you to come back into my life many times after that, and there was a time I would have done anything to save us, and I hope you will always realize that.

You were my everything, my all, and my favorite thing to love.

I am still very committed to us rebuilding a friendship through co-parenting. I realize this is going to be hard for us, and hard for her as I am sure there will be continued jealousy as she has shown each time that you have left to come back home. I truly hope you will not let that stand in our way. I want us to work together to co-parent which means no lying, no secretiveness, no running out of town when we need you. I need to see that you are truly 100% committed to staying around and parenting, especially during the upcoming sports season and know that I can rely on you. Through that, it is my hope that we can eventually take the kids to dinner together, give them a sense of togetherness and family still even though it isn't the way I had hoped it to be. I plan on taking them to Disney quite a bit, and its my hope that eventually you would be able to travel with us.

I want nothing but positive interaction from here on out. I am in a really good place and it only keeps getting better, and I just want the very best for the kids. I know the girls are giving you a really hard time, but please put yourself in their shoes. Their entire world/happiness as they knew it ended pretty abruptly, and they are still being told that you all aren't together. That will probably continue until their is some honesty, accountability, and trust built up. Please don't let anger or her consume you and not help them work through these feelings, I'm a adult, leaving it at the altar was easy for me, its a lot harder for them as kids.

I love you as the father of my children. Thank you for taking that 18 year ride with me through all the bumps and bruises, and for taking Lanie that day I called you and told you we were getting a baby. She is one of my greatest gifts and I would not have had her if not for your love and support. Thank you also for all the nights that you spent up driving her to Westmoreland so that I could better our lives. I know you felt unnoticed and underappreciated, but you really never were and I hope you know that. I hope you guys have a great day together. Tell her I can't wait to see her tonight. Hugs!

Me

 

After the email, I got no response. So on my way home that night, the 10 year old told me that he had spent the entire weekend talking to someone named Wayne on his phone. I assumed that he is indeed either gay, or that he had renamed her Wayne so she couldn't see who he was talking to. Not only that, but he told her they would watch a movie, and went in his room instead and so she ended up watching the movie by herself. She said that anytime she needed him he would be in his room and respond with "What do you need now" and come get it for her and then stay in his room some more. This was after he told me on Friday they had a great time. Of course he also told me that he was having a great time with the 14 year old in the ER and great conversations with her, and that he was going to take her out to eat for pizza. The 14 year old told me their conversation consisted of her asking about his girlfriend and him responding "I'm not doing this now" and that he actually got her a pizza and took her home to eat it.

 

I decided to call to talk to him about being a better parent, and told him to please be responsive to his girls when they are there. I ended up being cussed and told to shut the eff up, g-damnit, and told that it was none of my business who he was with any longer. I told him I didn't care that this conversation was to talk about him being a better parent and helping me parent the kids. He told me that my above email was passive aggressive, which it was not meant to be anything other than sincere. At one point his response was I will get a list of their game schedules and show up when I can.

 

I spent 2 hours on the phone with him and had redundant conversation. At 12:05 on 12/8 we committed to being friends first and co-parents second. I got home from work on 12/9 and my 10 year old was still wanting to talk before bed. She told me that she had told him that she didn't want to go to his house in the first place this week, but that he told her he thought she should. She told me that she was still hurt because even at the Mardi Gras parade he would go off and take phone calls with Wayne while she stood there with our neighbors. She told me she basically felt like he was just being around her because he had to be not because he wanted to be. She told me he took her to the cult church. I was devastated that my 10 year old laid in my bed for almost an hour and told me all of this. I emailed about the church part, but decided that I won't be making her go from now on if she doesn't want to. It was not a fun time for her, and she felt like she was a burden then I don't think its okay to continue putting her through that. Of course when my 17 year old tried to talk to him about all of this, last night, he didn't answer until 2 calls, and then called her back, meaning he was probably out of town once again. Parenting with him is going to be impossible, but thank goodness I am already used to doing it on my own.

 

Satan is the author of this confusion. At the end of our 2 hour conversation, I told him that. I told him that this did not have to be hard. I no longer love him, except for being the father of my children. I just want him to be a better dad and put his children first. It is still my hope that light bulb will go off, but so far the kids and I are fighting a losing battle.

God Winks

One more blog for the day, and I think everything will be caught up. This one is called God Winks.

God Winks are the little glimmers of hope that I have been given when I have felt utterly alone. I began tithing before I knew anything was wrong with my marriage. I felt that even though we were borrowing money to live on, we would never reap God's blessings if I didn't tithe. So even at my lowest point, even at the point when I didn't even have sandwich bread and my kids were going to begin getting free lunches at school, when I was having to get my food from a food bank, (yes it was that hairy for a few weeks there) I remained faithful with my tithing. Here are a few benefits that I have reaped from being faithful. Even though as mentioned in the accountability blog, I may not have been acting very Christian, I remained faithful with my tithing.

I received a Christmas dinner through my daughters school, even though my oven was broken and I couldn't cook it and all of the food (including the extra my son had bought at Publix) I was still humbly blessed when they called to tell me the food was coming. I am hoping for better luck at Easter. My landlord also sent me a check in return for the dinner that went to waste.

We were adopted as a angel family. I will never be in a position for Christmas again where I depend on a man, or depend on a man to help me with that. It was so humbling, and I will never forget and will always pay it forward.

I received a check in the mail from a bank account that I had 10 years ago. I mean really? I just got this last Friday, when I knew he was out of town again and had to sign up the girls for sports, buy sports equipment for workouts, and my 14 year old had a eye infection that lead to her new glasses, eye exam, and 4 subsequent visits. I was a bit overwhelmed when he told me he wouldn't be depositing money until today, but that check was just enough to hold me over.

Here are a few more God Winks, I have seen over this.

From Beyoncé to Bethel the day on the bridge.

I finally was able to get his music off my phone, but apparently I left a Steven Curtis Chapman song, called Beauty Will Rise on there. For a long while every morning that I got up and got in my car, that song would be on automatically on my blue tooth. Coincidence that this blog is named after that song? I think not.

Friendships: Oh my goodness what would I do without them? I literally had two women here, My cousin and a gf that I met through my cousin. But I have had friends call me, text me, inbox me on facebook, dm me on twitter, every single day from Tennessee, they have stayed on the phone with me, prayed with me, prevented me from driving to Tampa and subsequently go to jail, they have laughed with me, cried with me, and I have had them any time of the night or day. Morning, noon, and night with advice and nothing but love. I have seen God in every single one of them. And it has been moving.

In keeping with the friendships, I was so scared that I would not get to know anyone down here aside from the girls that I worked with, but one by one, God has brought people through my children that have become a whole new set of girlfriends down here. He is showing me that indeed I can make a life for us down here without my husband, and one that is going to be amazing at best.

You are known for the women you keep, and I have been blessed with some of the very best.

A new church, that already has many people reaching out to me and pouring love to me and my children. Tonight my children went to church on their own and recommitted their lives to Christ too. I am so humbled by what God is doing, even when he is working behind the scenes, even when I don't please Him, He is working.

I have also never given up on Praying for my husband and his mistress every single day. I bought a book on Amazon called Praying for your husband from head to toe, and I have continued to read that, but the other day I went to find a cookbook I found the Power of a Praying Wife by Stormi Omartian. I begin reading that and chapter one was perfect for me, it teaches me to get things out of your own heart before you can start praying for others, so I have been working on that. How weird was it that this book was sitting in amongst my cookbooks? And here is my favorite part..Lord, please turn my selfishness, impatience and irritability into kindness, long-suffering, an the willingness to bear all things <------ I'm still a work in progress. Take my old emotional habits, mindsets, automatic reactions, rude assumptions, and self protective stance  and make me kind, patient, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled.<------ Still a work in progress, again but I know that he will make beauty for these ashes in all of our lives!!!

Accountability

This is a blog about accountability. It's a break from the monthly blogs that I have written today. I wrote all of these today because on Sunday, I went to a different church with a friend of mine and I joined a small group and recommitted my life to Christ. Last night was just introduction, but I knew that I needed to purge all of this so that I can A. Delete all the journals from my phone, and B. Start building this new life with me and my children on a clean slate. It has been so easy to purge it all throughout the day today, and I honestly feel like a new person. It's truly amazing what can happen when you hand it over to Him.

I hold myself fully accountable for the mistakes I have made in my marriage. I grew up in an abusive home and I only learned one very sad, distorted love language. Yes, I could have changed it, but I did not know any other way to fight normally, or fight fair, no, I just knew how to go for the jugular. Its what I had seen and heard my entire life. I was called a whore at 13, since I didn't have sex until I was married at 21, imagine the horror I felt at being called the same name that my cousin was called after she had sex with several boys at the age of 16? I was also told that I was brought into the world and I could be taken out, while having my father's fist pulled back at me in my face. During the past 6 months, I have been told that I am using this as a excuse because I spent just as much time in a marriage with a man that I did with my family, and he tried to show me unconditional love. I am not using anything as a excuse, I fully accept that I have called every one including my children names and have thrown temper tantrums that have reached epic proportions. I was also allowed to act this way, and even when I would ask my husband "why and how can you love me" he would always say "because you are you, and I just do no matter what" My temper has waxed and waned over the years, and I am working every day to be better.

I listen to Joyce Meyer every single day and one of the things she has taught me is that when her father sexually abused her, she was a Christian but a very ugly Christian for many many years. She states that Dave probably thought he was married to 20-30 women over the period of her life. She was smoking one cigarette after the other and leading a bible study at the same time when she began. God works with each person in their own time, and I do believe that this happened to let me know it is not okay to act like that. I am still far from perfect, but I am a work in progress.

Although I was rough around the edges, I have a very soft heart, otherwise I would not have allowed myself to be used by my husband for the last few months. He has painted a picture of me that was completely absurd. He doesn't see the sacrifices I made daily for him, fails to realize the sacrifices I still make for him while he runs around with his mistress, and continues to be the strong mother and father at the same time. I have made a home for him and my children, have always held a steady job, and have loved him the best way that I have known how. I am not sure what took place inside of him this past 6 months, but that is something that is and was out of my control. Had he have left me and decided that he was going to become a better version of himself, then I could have looked at all of this and said you are right, we were toxic. Instead he has been making poor decisions and has led a lifestyle of very destructive behavior, and at some point I had to separate myself and figure out it wasn't "we" that was toxic. I have not been lying, skipping out on my family or not caring about their feelings, emotions, whatever. I have stood here all along, trying to pick myself up and move forward the best way that I have known how.

I have already talked about the fight we had when I said "What kind of man" this was not the way for me to start a conversation, as I said I was coming at him very angry and that still doesn't make it right. I should have approached things differently but I did not.

There was a night that he picked me up from work and I said I didn't care about a conversation about captchas. I am taking full responsibility for that as well, it was said while I was waiting on food, and still was not meant the harsh, hurtful, crushing way that it was taken. There have been many fights when there have been really mean things said to me, but I never kept count. One or two things that really hurt me deep over the years, but nothing that was so devastatingly shocking that my psyche never recovered for goodness sake.

I will never be able to apologize for calling my husband or even my own children names for not sowing the seeds of life and sowing the seeds of death. I am trying desperately hard to be the person that God has called me to be, but when you have been one way your entire life that's a little hard to do.

I have gone over and over and over again the ways that I have hurt my husband over the years, but I wish I could go over the ways that he has hurt me. None of it matters anymore, I just wish that I would have been given the chance and the patience to fully turn things around to show him that I do hold myself accountable for speaking death. And still tonight when we had to have a conversation, no one can push me that quickly to a point like he can, especially after all of this...so the first word out of my mouth was listen, a~~hole. I am a work in progress, I have been cussed daily for 5 months, it's a sore spot right now, but it still doesn't make it right.

What I did wrong: Called names, fought ugly, wasn't supportive, said things that were hurtful (although some things I thought I could say to my partner comfortably in our own home)

What I did right: Never cheated, Never lied, was open and honest to a fault, tried to make a home for him, tried to take care of his children, his home, laughed with him, cried with him, supported him numerous times (6 w-2's last year alone) with many or without any jobs, put up with the lying, money problems even though it was told to me it was just to keep me happy. Put up with my mother in law and tried to love her through all of her phases.

I wasn't a perfect wife, but I will have the chance to be one again, and even then I still wont be perfect.

My beginning may have been rocky, but my finish will be amazing!!

January

I entered January with the thought process that it was a new year, new me and that because he came and found me on NYE, that things would be different. They weren't. After his family left on Saturday morning, he dropped Lanie off and then didn't want to spend time with us. I found that to be extremely weird. I mean, after all if you wanted to spend time with your family you would make time. He told me he was just tired and was reveling in the peace of being without Lanie and his parents. I literally begged. He promised me he would come over the next day after church. I took that to mean that we would be going to church together and that he would come over and spend time afterwards. We were intimate via facetime that night and the next morning I woke up giddy. Still hoping for change. Instead he told me he was going to a church where there was a burning bowl ceremony that his "buddy" in Fort Walton had invited him to. I decided to google said church and then I went. They chanted, meditated, joined hands and sang let there be peace on earth. It was literally the weirdest thing I had ever experienced in my life. I left there and it had never been more clear in my life. He came over after his cult experience and told me that he didn't want to fight anymore. I explained that what I had just witnessed was not okay, and that I did not even know him anymore. That was the furthest thing from anything we had been taught, and it was not okay. He agreed, promised me he would never go again because that was weird.

Let me say that the mistress is a freak of nature, she posts things about the earth and stars being in alignment, and a lot of Buddhist crap on her facebook. He has even sat here several times and told me that he finds her to be very weird and bizarre. Per our conversation that I said I would post at a later time, she told me that her and my husband had spent hours on the phone reading the gnostic gospels and they were  more like spiritual partners. Umm Okay? Again, someone else's husband that you have no business spending hours on the phone with about anything. Again what type of "woman" am I dealing with here? still laying her head down at night with zero remorse about anything that she has done, and really what kind of man am I married to as well? No remorse about any trouble that he has caused me or my children. One thing and one thing on his mind only and that is getting to her.

Tuesday, January 5th was mediation. I had spent the Sunday, even though God was clearly trying to remove this man from my life, talking him into not letting the mediation happen. I would have done anything just to be given another chance. Instead we had a horrible argument on the 4th, and on the 5th we went. I cant say anything except every other weekend it was.

Two things that made me take my husband back 12 years ago: The other female calling me and telling me that although he was very much a liar, and had told her we were through, while still sleeping with me, they had never so much as held hands or kissed.  And also, he looked at me and told me he would never be an every other weekend dad.

Because of the abrupt way that he left, one month we were happy, one month we weren't, my older girls have hated him. They have wanted nothing to do with him, and the only way they have been able to cope is to block him on their phones. I have held them as their hearts broke, and have all but taken punches when their hearts broke. My shoulders are broad enough to handle the hurt, but it has been a very tough road. My 10 year old sees him every other weekend.  My 14 and 17 year old just started leaving every weekend. The joy was gone from their home and their hearts. I couldn't be the mom I wanted because I was too busy dealing with my own emotions. This was probably one of our darkest times.

On Thursday, January 7th, I emailed about something, and never heard back. Later that night my 17 year old came in from work in full on meltdown mode. She heard a song and it reminded her of him. She tried to call and no answer. He finally called back, and lo and behold, 2 days after our mediation was final he was gone out of town again. Of course that night was horrible, and we didn't hear anything from him again until the following Thursday, January 14th, when I emailed to bring our 10 year olds back pack to her he said he would. I emailed again that night and asked if he had brought it to which he replied he was out of town. Suddenly he had all these friends that I have never heard of and they were taking him to dinner. He was gone through his birthday.

On January 16th, He came back into town, which is when he emailed and stated he would like to meet me for a drink. I already had plans that night because by no means was I going to put my life on hold any longer. I had waited almost 5 months at this point for a man to make his mind up and pick me and his children over her. The next day he found me at the restaurant I was at and we talked in the parking lot. By the end of the night, I was again in his arms, and bed. I left and he came over again around 0730 the next morning. He was then in my bed. We were intimate again on Tuesday over facetime, and then On Wednesday, I told him I hired a lawyer to modify our parenting agreement so that he would have to give me a 24 hour notice before leaving town so I could obtain childcare. All of a sudden we were into the obligatory "we don't work" conversation. By the next Tuesday he had went and talked to a lawyer as well. After he returned from the birthday week, he had told me his car had been broken down for over a week in NE Florida, as you know I ended up in his bed so part of me wanted to believe him. But again on January 26th, he left town again. This time confirmed by his mother that he was in Tampa, and didn't come back until today which is February 3rd.

On January 29th, I called my girlfriend in Tennessee. She has listened to me for countless hours through all of this and has truly been a God send. I knew since we had not heard from him since January 26th that he was gone again. (and I may or may not have still had him followed just so I knew for sure) I had spent the day before with my counselor who told me I needed to move forward. She told me that all of this would have been easier if he would have passed away, and that at the 6 month mark after a death, I was allowed to begin to move forward. She stated I had waited to see and waited to see and nothing had changed, that I could allow this pattern to continue, or I could love myself enough to make it stop. So as I said, I was on the phone with my girlfriend, and I just needed to have a good cry. My little one had already called and asked where's daddy after three days of no word. I had no idea what to tell her. So my girlfriend told me she had been praying and thinking about the situation earlier in the day, and the word came to her. She didn't know  what it meant, but the word was autopilot. Autopilot. Why did God give her such a silly word? I mean for months, I have been not sleeping, not eating, and have been gas pedaling it into a Stage II lung cancer! I have been up all night trying to write down, dissect, figure things out, answer the Whys and hows. Why would God give me one more single word to try and figure out? And then she said "Maybe it means for you to go into autopilot mode, and just let God take over." and in that moment, I knew I had to love myself enough and my kids enough to stop the toxic pattern of behavior over my life.

That weekend, I allowed myself to find me again. I could no longer worry about the whats, whens, whys, or hows. I had to become the best person I could possibly be for my children and for me. I went out, had a great time, made new memories, got my nose pierced, and the next day, I got up and took my children to a new church. It was time for us to start getting back to our new normal, without a daddy here. It wasn't as easy at it had seemed, my 14 year old had a rough time on Friday and had continued to treat me cruel through Sunday. She was out of control. I almost picked her up and put her in the car and moved her back to Tennessee because I knew the one person who could still help me get my life back in order was my grandfather, George. Instead, I sat her down with my son and explained to her that although my shoulders are broad enough, sometimes moms need a little love too. We came to a understanding that day, and I believe we are on the up and up. My 17 year old is dealing with a lot of anger this week, but I am trying to help her work through it as well. I pray every day for God to convict my husbands mind and heart not for me anymore, but so he will begin to see my children's beauty and he will begin to be a better father to him. He was practically a stay at home dad before, and now he knows nothing about them, or what they are doing or what their grades are. He never calls, never shows up when they need him (MRSA and the backpack) and he has continued the pattern of not being able to trust or depend on him. It is my hope that one day he will see them for their worth, and quit chasing after the mistress whose worth was far more than rubies, obviously.

God is alive and he is the author of my story. I would like to go into more of what he has done and the people he has placed in my life through all of this. It truly is remarkable to see and hold true that what lies in front of me and my children is nothing but Beauty.

December

December was full of angst, One of my favorite times of the year, it should have been a time when we were all smiles, happy and joyful. Instead, On Thursday 12/3, I called to see if he could meet me at the doctors office to pay for the co-pay for our oldest doctor visit and medications, and lo and behold he was out of town in "Tallahassee" again. I forgot to mention the last time we had been at a doctors office together, was in November before he was to go sign the lease at his new apartment. My oldest and I both begged him not to do it, and he said "Okay let me go talk to them and see what I can do" when we called after we left the doctor's office, he was moving his stuff in. This was our new life. We couldn't trust a word he was saying or a thought he was thinking. So back to 12/3 he was now on a business trip again, and he couldn't help us with the bill. It was apparent he no longer cared. He had skipped his Thanksgiving with his children because they wanted to stay with me, came home and went out of town again. This weekend when he came back from town, he informed me he was dog sitting for a friend of his in "Tallahassee" I wanted to believe him, but I knew he never took care of our own dogs, so that was pretty far fetched. He had no cares in the world, no cares in the world except for keeping her happy.

The next week, I called on Thursday to talk to him about the weekend coming up events. This was after he had been here for dinner on Tuesday and then went home and called me and told me that he had a great night. He recommended that I read The Alchemist, and so I did. I called to talk to him about the weekends events on my way home from work. He told me he was in Panama City, on his way home and that he felt like he was coming down with the flu. I asked him to stay on the phone with me until he got home. He said he was on I-10 and would be home in a little bit. I told him it sent me into a panic whenever he went out of town and that I needed a reason to trust him. After all, we go out of town and then make up and that gives us all hope. All of a sudden, he began crying and stated that he thought he had the flu and that he was sick. I truly believed that it was true! But then, he began screaming that he no longer wanted to talk to me and that if I called him back he would not speak to me again until Jan. 5th, which was our mediation. I found that to be odd, but once again had been shamed into my little hole and hung up. I later sent my son to his house with soup for him, and lo and behold he was not home. I called his mom crying, this was me reaching out to her and trying to get a lifeline here. Maybe someone that could talk some sense into him. Nope, instead she made excuses for his behavior the entire time. She called me the next morning at 0600 and told me he was home but had run out to buy medicine. I went to his house and once again, he was nowhere to be found. That was the weekend that he missed both of his daughters birthdays, our little ones Christmas chorus concert, and our oldest in the Christmas parade. At that point his relationship with her had taken on a entire new level because it now interfered with my children. I had had it! I blocked him from my phone, and was done. Or was I?

On Sunday, he sent me a email and asked that I call him. The mistress had told him that the night before my oldest child had inboxed her on facebook. He stated he was probably going to lose his job to which I replied I was sorry but that was no longer my problem. I in turn blocked him again.
On Monday, he drove over to my house and told me how sorry he was and then made several sexual references so guess where we ended up again? Right back at square one. That was Monday, December 15th. He came back that afternoon and looked at our oldest daughter and told her that he loved me and wanted to work it out with me, but in two days, he would have to travel out of town again. He claimed that this was the reason he had been  going on all of the previous business trips. He had a job interview in Orlando that he was going to and that was going to be the answer to several of our prayers. So we trusted him again, except I had already hired the PI to follow him. So he takes off and goes to the interview and then calls me after. He's acting like we are best friends and tells me all about it. I listen intently. I come in and tell my son that I feel like we were best friends again, and I was hopeful that he not only got the job, but that things were turning around. I got dressed and went to my daughters chorus concert.

It was there that I got the call that he was being followed to Tampa, I cried throughout the entire concert. He ended up at her home in Palm Harbor, Fl. I did not want to believe it to be true. By the time the concert was over, I was a mess, my son and I were deciding which one of us should go and which one should stay. One of us was going to go and one stay with the kids, but before we could decide that we got another call that he was leaving. He was only there around 2 hours. On the way back, he called me. He told me he had been at the bar with his potential new boss. He was almost in a state of mania as his new boss had given him two Tennessee t-shirts, and a half drank bottle of Willie Nelson's whiskey. He told me of conversations they had had, detailed conversations about  what they had talked about. Then he suddenly stopped and asked me if I had him followed. My reply was yes. Then it began "Baby, Baby, Baby I know what this looks like but its not. I will drive 6 hours back to you right now to show you that I haven't been with her, I promise we had become very good friends, and a strong friendship had formed so all I went over there for was to take her a Christmas gift" WHOA. A Christmas Gift? and why did she have one before his wife or children had one? That should have been a huge red flag!! But, I still BELIEVED him!! He drove all night back to me. And the next day he had to fly to Tampa again but this time he stayed on facetime with me all night at the hotel. Talk about accountability! I was so excited that one of my prayers was finally being answered. We even were intimate over facetime. The next day I fully expected a call saying he couldn't get a flight home but he did. He flew home to me and we spent the weekend together. Not that it wasn't rocky, I still didn't have a fully committed man lying beside me in bed. And everything took precedence over us. He had given the mistress a gift, he was shopping for his girlfriend in Tennessee a gift, and it was the day we were supposed to be shopping for the kids, and so things were a little touch and go. I mean what happened to the accountability from the week before? On December 22nd, he came home for 4 days. (I would later find out during this time he took the girls for a walk and told them he would try, but if he couldn't make it work would it be okay if he left, they told him yes and the next day he was gone) but for the four days he was here, my children were back to being happy. He was a good father, and was walking Savannah to the bathroom and staying with her when she was sick. We were intimate over and over. But as soon as Christmas was over, he was back to acting funny. He was on a phone call on Monday, Dec 28th and I asked who it was, he said it was his aunt. I asked for a screenshot and he flipped out. His parents came on Tuesday that week, which always made things worse.

We talked back and forth during that week but I could tell it was either her or his mother that was heavily influencing him. He had been talking about coming over for NYE all week and then suddenly on NYE, he decided he wasn't going to. I had bought lingerie and everything I could think of to try and make it special for him, but here I was once again getting stood up by the same man that I had kissed for the past 18 years. We went back and forth all night and I still begged him to find me at midnight. Well it was 10 after, but he did come find me at midnight, came and got me, kissed me and then we went back to my house and had a quickie. He went back to his apartment. I remember feeling isolated and lonely, and much like a prostitute again, but I still wanted to believe that he loved me, loved this family, and wanted to make it work. I was fighting a losing battle, he was in love with her.

My question now is: Why did I not love myself to see that I didn't deserve this? And my poor kids, I pulled them along on the emotional roller coaster with me. They all wanted him home so desperately that we fought and fought for it.

Yet, here she sat, lying her head down at night with no resentment, no anger, no remorse. Allowing herself to be used just as much as I was, but also coming between a man and his family. I even inboxed her on facebook, to which I will publish later our conversation in which she has vehemently denied ever meeting my husband, and two days later he was in her driveway. One liar deserves another, and in this case if a relationship is built on lies and deception, I can promise you it will end on lies and deception.

Through this rollercoaster, I still couldn't see my worth. I couldn't see my beauty, I couldn't see that God had bigger and better things for me. I was too busy thinking that I was being punished by him for being the wife I wasn't to realize that it wasn't God that was doing this, because the God I serve would have never punished my children this way. What you must understand is that when he was gone, there would be no contact with my kids whatsoever, and when he was here, and in good graces with me there would be. That was never God's plan for our lives.

In the words of my friend, This may have been part of our story, but it wont be the way our story ends.

November

The night before Halloween was a real struggle. He was busy moving into his new two bedroom apartment that would now afford him to spend more time with the children, and I took my youngest to the marine science center Halloween fair. I felt like I was missing my right arm. I called him crying and asked how did this not bother him? How did he not feel like he had lost his best friend? He just replied that he was busy. I told him I hoped he felt the loneliness that I felt the next night when he took our daughter trick or treating. He wouldn't however because he called my cousin and sent me a picture at work of the kids trick or treating together. I would later found out it was maybe to 6 houses and then he dropped her off at home. My 10 year old was devastated so my oldest took her to the dollar store and bought her some candy so she wouldn't be so upset.

November was here and we were slowly approaching the holiday season. I had dropped another almost 20 lbs merely from stress and walked around every day like a zombie. On Nov. 11th, he was gone again. This time supposedly on another "Business" trip to "Tallahassee" This time we were blocked for the entire weekend, and the only way he would communicate with me was with his mother on the phone. I had taken the girls to my friends house in Louisiana to try and escape the reality of what was happening, instead, my daughter made some comments that very much worried me. That night, his mother, a preachers wife I might add, called with him on the phone and was very much right in the middle of our drama. Her enabling her son was one of the biggest problems that our marriage has ever faced. That, and she is not a lovable woman. Lets put it this way, she was the nursing supervisor for a hospital I worked at for 26 years, when I came to work there, no one had anything nice to say about her. When I left that hospital, they gave me a party, and gift cards. When she left, they gave her nothing. I still have friends that call me to say from that job, she has no one calling to check in on her. She has been mean to me since day one of our marriage, I have stood up for myself once in 18 years by writing her a letter and much like her son, she continues to hold that over my head. She has spoken horribly of me to my children, and every single holiday there has been at least one time when she has cried. It really is a tragedy, but the further I have stepped away from the situation, I have come to realize that my husband, and his brother are products of that, and that is why their relationships have failed and why they continue to fail at life.

After the alleged business trip to "Tallahassee" he comes back and within the week he is smoothing things over with me and we are back to having sex. He wants to work it out with me. This time it lasted for about a week and a half, and then I got the dreaded phone call that "we don't work" and I see where he would get back to that point, because its hard to believe that you would want to work things out, but wouldn't want to stay at your home to do so. Something was definitely keeping him away, and I know now it was her. He wanted to be able to come here, and have me and then go out of town and have her too. But all of this time, what he failed to realize is the damage he was doing to his kids. At first, he would try to call them, but when the kids found out he was out of town, they would be beside themselves. He went from being a almost stay at home dad, to maybe 3-4 5 minute phone calls a week. He was so busy trying to keep her happy, which was his number one complaint about me, that he had almost completely began neglecting his kids. He states that his kids did not care about him anyway, they disrespected him etc. But he was the father of this home, not their brother and he needed to discipline them if that was the case. The kids anger was growing, and I was too caught up in trying to figure out whether I should believe him, (which obviously I was allowing myself to do so) and trying to figure out if he was lying. It made me crazy. I was smoking 2 packs of Marlboro lights a day, not eating, pacing around my garage. Praying in the morning, noon, and night. I was wanting to give up on God, my life, I wanted to move back to Tennessee. I could barely go to work and get through the day without tears. I mean I was a complete mess and so were my kids. It was truly quite a awful time. I still could not, for the life of me, hand it over to God. I was busy trying to find out what he was doing, find out what was going on. If it were truly her, then I needed to know!

All of this was driving me mad. My first instinct was to run, but I had made a life for my children here and they were all against that. I was smoking so much I could barely breathe, and week after week I was believing lie after lie that he actually wanted to be with me. At one point my 17 year old even stood in the garage and screamed "HE DOESN'T WANT US ANYMORE, HE WANTS HER NOW" and I still couldn't see the light. The next week, he took our youngest for the weekend. But then, Thanksgiving week he left town and went to Tennessee. We assume he went to Tennessee, that's what we were told. I actually have a friend that saw him there at Chili's. I actually began to move forward that week, but on Thanksgiving day, my oldest called him and gave him a ear full. I wasn't expecting it, but all that he had done since this all began was run and that was precisely the reason that I refused to. My kids had a ton of feelings swirling around, and instead of being a father to them and being here to help them sort through them, he just kept, and has continued, to keep running. Thanksgiving Day was actually a turning point for me and I felt a little better, but then I had a ton of teenage girl emotions from a girl who was heartbroken that her daddy wasn't there to watch the parade with, or to be at Thanksgiving with, and that seemed to be my new life. Even if I had a great day and came home from work in a amazing mood, one of my girls was struggling. And here was this "man", constantly running. And when I say running, I mean running from everything. He began to meditate and take Buddhism classes, and also attending a church that was part of the New Thought Movement. He was drinking bourbon and smoking weed, all of it was a huge change from the person he was before. I tried to accept all of it out of desperation to keep my family together, but how much was I really willing to sacrifice to keep my family together? This man was running from what he new was right and running from anything to do with my children's or my emotions, and running from God.

When he returned from Tennessee, it was more of the same. Another month had passed and I was still trying to take control and not turn it over to God. He will give me beauty for ashes, but I couldn't keep hanging onto the ashes. When would I get that??

October

After a tumultuous month, my husband came back but told me he could no longer love me the way I needed to be loved, and left again amidst much fighting, name calling, and ugliness, it was apparent that he was in love with someone else. He would never admit it, he swore to me over and over that there was no one else, that he was doing this only for himself because "we don't work". Imagine the hurt and confusion that I felt, because I was told over and over what a horrible wife I had been. True, I was not a perfect wife, and there were tons of things I could have improved on. A marriage is nothing more than two imperfect people coming together as one and accepting those imperfections.

One of the last fights we had was because for the entire year we had been here, my husband would tell me he was getting money from here or there. This money would be here on Monday, and Monday would never come. In the end he would always end up borrowing money from my mother in law, so I literally now lived in Florida while my mother in law paid our bills moth after month. But instead of being truthful, he would just deposit the money into my account and then I would find out later. It was infuriating. At one point we had a conversation and I said "What kind of man continues to borrow money from his parents at 40 years old?" I did not mean it to be that harsh, but I wanted him to understand the severity that we can't keep borrowing money from your parents, your parents aren't going to be here forever, you have to find a job. I said that after a year of being nothing but supportive and loving. he even had told me in May that he was going to make a facebook status about how supportive and loving I had been, but you know it was now almost August and we just couldn't keep living that way, especially with borrowing from his mother. It wasn't fair to me, or our family. He states that he walked on eggshells all the time because my temper was so bad, but its really plain and simple. I needed stability, I needed honesty, I needed trust, and none of those things were being provided to me by my husband.

From the week of Sept 27th, until the week of October 12th, my husband didn't see my children. He was renting a room off of a lady's house. His parents came to town the week of the 12th, and he actually took the children for the weekend, but he stayed on the phone the entire time texting according to both of our girls. When he left, he literally left me with nothing. So money was a sore subject. On October 15th, I had a conversation with him and told him I couldn't make it on the money he was planning on giving me, we didn't have groceries, the lights had already been shut off once, I had started a go fund me, but only ended up with $400 so that barely made a dent. I asked him to please take 6 months and lets just see where we were. He told me that was fine. The next day, he called me at work and told me he had filed for divorce. I was devastated. First off, we had no food, it took $440 to file for that divorce, and we needed things to survive! Second, he had just told me the night before he would take 6 months. I later found out from his mom that he had told her he filed for divorce so that I wouldn't take the kids to Tennessee, even though he had told our counselor two weeks before he didn't care if I took the kids to Tennessee or if I didn't as long as we moved on. In my opinion, the divorce was filed because he wanted to take that first trip to "Tallahassee" without feeling guilt.

On October 21st, he took his first "business" trip to "Tallahassee" I do believe he was in Tallahassee from Wednesday-Friday, but I also believe she was there with him. I asked on Thursday for him to send me a picture of the "guys" he was having dinner with. Instead, he began screaming and cursing at me telling me that it was none of my business anymore. I kept texting and asking him if he was with her until the point that he eventually blocked me. But he also blocked communication with my children too, and true enough at that point I was out of my mind, and used their phones to call him, but my daughters also had tried to call just to say hey, and he jumped down their throat as well. This lasted until Sunday. On Sunday, he unblocked us and drove over 6 hours to my house. He claimed that he had been out with the guys and watched some football. He claimed that he had been to a speakeasy bar, and that on Sunday, he got carried away because they all went to a range and were shooting guns. It took him 6 hours (the time it takes to get back from Tampa) to get back from the 3 hours that is generally takes to get back from "Tallahassee" and explained that the traffic was bad. I believed it all hook, line, and sinker. Although my trust had been severed, by now I had uncovered the 5-6 hours a day that he had been spending on the phone with her, I had also uncovered all of the text messages that he had previously deleted. Where he was telling her that she was worthy to be chased, that she was a bad~~~ white girl,  and when he looked up reservations for her upcoming New York trip. I read where she wouldn't delete the meme she had made unless he thought it was dumb <------------ which screams needy, all of the flirting, him sending her the Allman brothers song Sweet Melissa, him sending her our song, Tell Lorrie I love her, which subsequently in one of my darker hours before I received all of the deleted texts, I had sent to him, I still took the bait. And for the first time in my life, I let myself be used. He came over for the next four days and was intimate with me, telling me he loved me and wanted it to work, but by Thursday or Friday of the following week, he was right back to "we don't work" and would become so irate with me that all he could do was cuss me and tell me it was all my fault.

Stop what you are reading and put yourself in my shoes. I thought we were happy, we took family pictures, we shared every dream and every hope. We still were intimate 4-5 times a week 18 years later, I was still crazy about my husband. It was all my children had ever known was us being happy, its all anyone who had ever seen us had ever known. We were the couple they looked up to, the family they looked up to. I did not want a divorce, I desperately wanted my husband and father of my children back. I was now allowing  myself to be treated as a prostitute for the sake of trying to hold onto my family. And what about my kids? for a moment there I was so caught up in my own selfishness, that I forgot what they were seeing. I was letting them see that it was okay to be treated and to treat a woman like this. Where was my mind? I forgot to add that I had been on the floor on my face in my bedroom closet praying day and night over this situation over him, over her, over us and our family. Could he truly not see our beauty? What about the three bad~~~ white chicks he was raising? How about the one bad~~~ that had walked through every fire with him, not just the new fire that he had very much created for himself? These were the darkest times I had ever faced. All of my friends and family in Tennessee, I literally had two people here in this community, so my Tennessee friends were like my lifeline. Day in and day out, I cried, prayed, begged, that some touch, or some conversation, some one thing that I would do would bring him back to me. When I would look in his eyes, it was like looking into a empty vessel. The man I once knew and loved so deeply wasn't even there anymore. My heart was broken, and that's when I decided to jump.

I have dealt with depression my entire life, but after my brain surgery, things got much better. I felt like it was the fact that God had granted me another lease on life, because after hearing the words "mass" you tend to think that your life could end at any second. Luckily, mine did not. I was granted some more time here and subsequently that lead to our move. On Oct 23rd, I decided I wanted it to be over. I have chronic back pain from an old surgery I have had and it makes me pretty crabby, I can't even enjoy the ocean if the waves are too rough because I wont be able to move the next day. Moving to a warmer climate and the exercise changes I had made over the past year had certainly made things better, but still that on top of losing the love of my life, I decided that would be the day that I would end my own. I took off walking up the Navarre bridge, and when I go to the top, I stood and looked out over the water, I had had my fair share of pain and now this. The one person I thought would never leave my side, gone. I had even told my cousin a couple of days before over lunch that I was planning it, Not for attention, not for help, but because I was tired of the hurting and pain that this life had to offer. Her advice was not to leave a mess for the kids and I already had my plan in mind.  My kids would be taken care of no matter what, my biggest hurdle would be for me to get my body over the side of the bridge quickly so that no one could stop me. I had previously been walking up the bridge with Beyoncé on and as I placed my phone into my bra and grabbed a hold of the side to put my foot up on the hole, my music switched to Bethel music. I don't know how or why it happened, I can only say that it had to be Jesus. I wept on the side of the bridge and then took a selfie to remember that day that God was fixing to turn my mess into my message. as I walked down that afternoon, I felt nothing but shame. Shame that I had let satan try and ruin my life. Shame that he almost won. I had been on my face, on my knees, none of my prayers were being answered, and anytime I talked to my husband I felt condemned, judged, or ashamed of my any and everything that I had ever done in my past. It was truly my lowest moment. I have to admit, that I still didn't give it all to Jesus. I still continued to try and take control of the situation myself, and did a ton of things wrong so even though I had God pull me off of that bridge, I still didn't give it all to Him.

What would it take? How much longer would I continue to let the abuse go on? He wanted me to pull closer to Him but I was still very much resistant. Every day I would read my bible, and listen to Joyce Meyer, I would try to study, and every day satan came at me ten times harder than the day before.

It would be a long time before I could finally turn it over to Him, a very long time.

September

For as long as I live, I will never forget September 7th, 2015.
I moved to Florida from Tennessee to live out my dream with my husband and four children in May of 2014. I always knew that one day I would live in Florida. I don't know why I caught that bug from a very young age, because no one else in my family felt that way. I remember dreaming of it from the time I was around 7 or 8 years old. Florida was one of the most beautiful places I had ever seen, and I can remember being filled with peace when I was there. My childhood had been anything but peaceful. Skip ahead to me having my own children, and they caught the bug too. From a very early age they all wanted to live in Florida, and shared a love for it just as much as my own. I finally decided after a stressful couple of years that we all needed a fresh start. I took a giant leap of faith and decided to move us to the place that we all dreamed of. At first, things were seemingly perfect the kids were happier, flourishing, and thriving. My husband lost his job, shortly after we arrived, and I transitioned to a area of nursing that I had no experience in, so I was basically starting over. Things were a little stressful, but nothing we couldn't handle. So imagine my surprise when our dream was shattered on September 7th.

The month prior, My husband was dancing me around the kitchen, smiling, laughing, and doing the things that I thought he loved to do. He would make my coffee, lay out my uniform, drive me to and from work and we had date night two-three times a week. I had often told him that although I enjoyed him doing these things for me, they were not necessary. He always told me that he enjoyed doing them and loved serving me as Jesus served the people. On August 17th, he was diagnosed with diabetes. I had been telling him that was coming, as he loved to indulge in ice cream. I was concerned for his health because he was around 150lbs overweight. I had made several changes to my lifestyle and had lost around 70lbs by August, and I just wanted what was best for him. After all, I had created a life with him and wanted him to be around for our children's weddings, and grandchildren's births. Let me interject here, because of my childhood I mentioned earlier, I was rough around the edges, so I wasn't one to coddle or baby someone, as I had never been treated that way. In fact, I was quite the opposite and was straight and to the point. It doesn't make it right, I'm just holding accountability for myself. I wasn't the sweetest person ever, but he had known that about me for 18 years, and vowed that he loved me anyway, no matter what. Diabetes wasn't a death sentence, however, I do think that doctors blow it off and make you think it isn't a big deal. So that's what we were facing, I was willing to do anything to make the necessary lifestyle changes with him and help him to lose the weight. We began the couch to 5K program, and I began cooking healthier, but none of this would matter because within 10 days, he began picking me apart. I couldn't say or do anything right, and he became completely disgruntled with everything. Then, that fateful day happened.

Labor Day was on September 6th, and it was finally a day that all of our children were home. From the 19 year old to the 10 year old and I let the kids pick what they would like to do that day. Their answer was to go shopping and out to lunch. We all loaded in the car and headed to Buffalo Wild Wings and to shop. We stopped at a few places before and I noticed that my husband was lingering behind, and on the phone a lot more than he usually was. I thought it was weird when later we got to the mall to shop for a homecoming dress and he sat down in the mall and stayed on his phone the entire time. He has been obsessed with the phone for the past year or so, and it seemed to be more important than many things, but this was the first time he had actually put it above his family. I tried to talk to him about it that night, and he blew it off. The next morning, I forwarded his text messages to my phone, and was completely bewildered to find three memes sent by a female co-worker in Tampa.

Find someone who makes you realize three things:
One, that home is not a place but a feeling.
Two, that time is not measured by a clock, but by moments.
and Three, that heartbeats are not heard, but felt and shared.

What a wonderful thought it is that some of the best days of our lives haven't happened yet.

Many things will catch your eye but only a few will catch your heart, Pursue those.

After our prior history, 12 year before after him not having a job, me supporting him, and then him deciding to take a woman to lunch there, and subsequently divorcing me, I saw RED. I sat there for almost 6 hours reading the memes over and over until the anger completely consumed me and I asked my son to help me get his clothes out of the closet and place them on the porch. I called him and told him that's where his things were. I fully expected him to come home and tell me it was nothing, instead he came home, had deleted their previous text messages, and without any warning or explanation picked up his things and left. He went to a hotel where he stayed for 2 days stating that "I put him out" to which I stated, "Yes, because there is no room for three people in our Marriage" and there wasn't.

On September 9th, after holding our broken hearted children all night, I texted the mistress and this is what it said: I truly appreciate your sending him those text messages, Due to our past history, I sat his things on the porch, and in turn he has left his wife and four children, states he is never coming back and that all of it is my fault. If those were meant to be motivational, yet were speaking to him about him finding someone else, I feel that is not the motivation he needs. Also, checking in on him and telling him that he needs to eat not what he needs. So I don't know what type of relationship the two of you have had, but as I hold my crying children tonight, I just want to say thanks.

The mistress texted this back: K, It is not that I sent them but your overreaction to them and assumption that they were meant in the way you interpreted. You chose to put his clothes on the porch without hearing a explanation. I have recently gone through a break up and Andrew has been a dear friend to me, making me see I deserve better in life. They were more my realization of what I need and what's going on in my life. Not his. He and I are friends and co-works and absolutely NOTHING more. We are both going through what Wayne Dyer calls 'The Shift' and it has been great to have a friend with similar thoughts to talk to. Life is so heavy and the car business sucks. You and the kids are so blessed to have that kind of man in your life. He may have had some challenges financially in the past, but he is making positive changes now to be the best father and husband he can be. (but he can't live on protein bars alone, that's why I told him to eat, I'm a nag, trust me he doesn't want me.)
I am very sorry this all happened. My heart breaks for all of you, and I've been praying for peace at this difficult time. I'm not a counselor, but a excellent listener. If you would like to talk more, please feel free to call.

STOP RIGHT THERE. What kind of "woman" was I dealing with here? I think more than a appropriate response would have been "Keyana, I realize how you could have read into those and I am truly sorry, I will no longer be communicating with your husband except for business purposes only" and that would have sufficed! I mean this "woman" just sat and analyzed a 18 year relationship that she knew NOTHING about, and still had no remorse for what she was doing to my children or to my home. What kind of person does that? What kind of person feels zero guilt for talking to a married man? what kind of "woman" continues talking to that married man after he has left his family home? Not to mention that I am the one who has put up with years of financial instability, and lying on top of everything else. So let me guess, he gave you the same sob story that he's been giving everyone else? I was horribly unsupportive and not good to him, even though I begged him to change things about himself to live a healthier, longer life, and begged him constantly to be the man he was called to be. I mean it takes someone very special and I mean special to continue preying on a married man.

And that brings me to him, suddenly he's painting this picture that he was terribly unhappy and blah blah, blah, but as you continue to see these blogs unfold you will also see that for the next 6 months he continued to go use her for the weekend, an then come home and use me. SO if life was so bad, why the confliction, why did you want to come home and sleep with me every time you left her? Why did you come over here and smooth things over, sware you had not been with her, give me a bogus story about being in Tallahassee with friends every time, but then upon returning from every trip come straight to me?  (because yes I eventually caught him at her house). Why did you constantly make fun of her to me and continue to tell me that you see her for exactly what she is, which is a homewrecker? And why did I continue to let it happen? Why did I naively believe me when you told me I would always be the "only girl" the one that you loved and only wanted to be with for the rest of your life? Why did I allow it to happen over and over and want to believe you so bad, as you made fun of her jaw teeth, and told me she was very dramatic?

You see, this blog was just the beginning, this is the story of what happens when you put all of your trust in man and not in God. As it unfolds, you will see the beauty for ashes that only He can make.