Two steps forward, Three steps back.
I feel like that is what my life is consumed of recently. On Wednesday, I had to make the decision to ask for a continuation, or to file my paperwork. Still hopeful that the mental evaluation would provide my family with some answers of how a man could turn off his emotions and completely detach from everything including his children.
As I said before, his mom, (while pointing fingers at me the day before) told me that I should call his counselor, so I could see what he had to say. The counselor returned my call Wednesday afternoon. As I sat and talked with him he told me that I was telling a completely different story than what he had heard. I imagine so! You are dealing with a narcissistic sociopath who is possibly also bipolar, but there is no denying the way that he continues to treat his children. He knows nothing about what is going on in their lives right now, nor does he know anything about them because he is too busy pursuing his latest love interest to even get to or try to get to know them! In fact, he hasn't reached out to the oldest since May 1st, he may reach out to the 14 year old and leave her a message or two, and then the 10 year old, well he thinks that relationship is covered in a 4 minute phone call. As far as my son goes, no interest in any type of relationship with him, unless he is actually at my house visiting, then he may speak. And I see where he gets that from, after talking to the kids about their grandmother coming to visit, all of them told me they had not heard from her since February.
I feel like that is what my life is consumed of recently. On Wednesday, I had to make the decision to ask for a continuation, or to file my paperwork. Still hopeful that the mental evaluation would provide my family with some answers of how a man could turn off his emotions and completely detach from everything including his children.
As I said before, his mom, (while pointing fingers at me the day before) told me that I should call his counselor, so I could see what he had to say. The counselor returned my call Wednesday afternoon. As I sat and talked with him he told me that I was telling a completely different story than what he had heard. I imagine so! You are dealing with a narcissistic sociopath who is possibly also bipolar, but there is no denying the way that he continues to treat his children. He knows nothing about what is going on in their lives right now, nor does he know anything about them because he is too busy pursuing his latest love interest to even get to or try to get to know them! In fact, he hasn't reached out to the oldest since May 1st, he may reach out to the 14 year old and leave her a message or two, and then the 10 year old, well he thinks that relationship is covered in a 4 minute phone call. As far as my son goes, no interest in any type of relationship with him, unless he is actually at my house visiting, then he may speak. And I see where he gets that from, after talking to the kids about their grandmother coming to visit, all of them told me they had not heard from her since February.
All except the 14 year old.
So here's a friendly public PSA on parenting:
YOU HAVE 4 CHILDREN/GRANDCHILDREN, NOT JUST ONE!! MAKE A EFFORT WITH ALL FOUR!! But then you can't figure out why the kids don't reach out and love on you? SMH.
In talking with his counselor, and me hearing yet again from another person who told me he sees nothing wrong..(and please remember this man has lied to me every day for 18 years so of course this guy believes the lies and manipulation) he told me that my husband had just "lost his spark for me" well, that's amazing since I have been told that he loves me, is in love with me, just doesn't know how to make us work and blah blah blah..so after I finished that call, I called him from my daughter's phone and of course he wouldn't discuss anything with me and he hung up in my face. I called back, and he had blocked her phone. Even later when my daughter tried to call him for the nightly phone call, it was still blocked. I decided she and I would pay him a visit, after all she cut her hair and he hasn't seen her, and I would try for the love of Pete to make some type of coparenting relationship happen, surely he would talk to me and come to some type of relationship face to face, right? It was a last ditch effort to try and make him see the importance of these relationships. And as far as the "losing the spark" went, do you realize how many times I had to sit and watch that man eat a half gallon of ice cream at night? I could've lost my spark but I did not!! We drove over to his house, and once again he was not home. On the way over, my daughter told me he spent the entire last weekend texting someone named Keyana in his phone. Please remember he changed his girlfriend's name to Wayne in the phone, now it's to my name so of course this time she wouldn't think anything of it. In that moment, I regretted asking for a continuation.
YOU HAVE 4 CHILDREN/GRANDCHILDREN, NOT JUST ONE!! MAKE A EFFORT WITH ALL FOUR!! But then you can't figure out why the kids don't reach out and love on you? SMH.
In talking with his counselor, and me hearing yet again from another person who told me he sees nothing wrong..(and please remember this man has lied to me every day for 18 years so of course this guy believes the lies and manipulation) he told me that my husband had just "lost his spark for me" well, that's amazing since I have been told that he loves me, is in love with me, just doesn't know how to make us work and blah blah blah..so after I finished that call, I called him from my daughter's phone and of course he wouldn't discuss anything with me and he hung up in my face. I called back, and he had blocked her phone. Even later when my daughter tried to call him for the nightly phone call, it was still blocked. I decided she and I would pay him a visit, after all she cut her hair and he hasn't seen her, and I would try for the love of Pete to make some type of coparenting relationship happen, surely he would talk to me and come to some type of relationship face to face, right? It was a last ditch effort to try and make him see the importance of these relationships. And as far as the "losing the spark" went, do you realize how many times I had to sit and watch that man eat a half gallon of ice cream at night? I could've lost my spark but I did not!! We drove over to his house, and once again he was not home. On the way over, my daughter told me he spent the entire last weekend texting someone named Keyana in his phone. Please remember he changed his girlfriend's name to Wayne in the phone, now it's to my name so of course this time she wouldn't think anything of it. In that moment, I regretted asking for a continuation.
There is a certain level of doneness that one reaches when another one effs with her children. I reached that level of doneness back in December when he missed both girls birthday parties, my 10 year olds chorus concert, and my oldest in her last Christmas parade as a cheerleader. I blocked him entirely until he found out that my oldest had reached out to his girlfriend on facebook. Even then, he called me and told me a bunch of lies about how he barely knew the woman, they were just co-workers and that he was probably going to lose his job. My response? I don't care, I no longer care what happens to you, and as soon as I hung up, I blocked him again. He showed up the next day at my home apologized profusely and then made a sexual reference and I ended up in the bed with him and the toxic pattern starting all over again. When I heard that he replaced her name in my phone with hers, and that the same toxicity was beginning again, not to mention that he knows NOTHING about my children and what's going on in their lives, doesn't try to see them or communicate with them except when he is ready to, remains on the phone with "Keyana" when he is with them, I saw what I could be doing this time next year, and...
I. WAS. DONE.
My beliefs on marriage and family are very sacred to me. I have continued to not want to give up on behalf of my family still in hopes that my husband would find his way out of this hole he has dug for himself. I have 3 people in my life showing me and giving me things that he can not, and I have been keeping them on the sidelines because as I have said before, two wrongs don't make a right. After hearing my 10 year old daughter telling me that she didn't want to go back because the house was full of bugs, and because she had no warm meals that weekend (a can of ravioli, bologna sandwich, and frozen chicken nuggets) and telling me that he had spent his time once again texting someone under a false name, I realized that I am wasting precious moments trying to hope/pray/ and wish for this man to become the father that he once was, and wasting different people's time putting them off, when I know that they would probably be better than this to me and my kids. I ended up driving to one of my friends houses in that moment and decided to close the door forever on this toxic pattern of behavior. I did, and I haven't looked back since :) I am still hopeful my children will get some answers, but I no longer care to be a part of his life, or to try and rescue his relationship with his children.
Trusting God has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. When this all began happening, I was on my face daily praying and crying out for God to change my husband. Then the prayers changed to if you aren't going to give me our husband and father back, please build us a man that will want to be the husband and father that he was not. The prayers got less and less frequent after day in and day out I saw no results. I then began praying for him and her. Hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, but also the only way that God kept me out of jail. I prayed for God to prosper the both of them, and it made me physically ill at night to pray that prayer while my husband slept with someone else. Then I still saw no results and I went through my angry/rebellious stage where I was angry with God himself for letting this continue happening to my children. Once I got past that and began working on forgiveness and self-forgiveness, I began praying and working on my relationship with God again. I have already seen in the past week and a half that God is going to give us double the blessings for our trouble. I know that there is going to be a double rainbow at the end of our road, all He wants for me is to remain faithful.
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