Life has been extremely busy lately for the children and I. So I'm just now getting to post. Let me first say that during the following events and during past conversation, I have been told that even if I have changed, that the first time he makes me mad, I will take to my Twitter or to my blog to make him look like a bad person.
I don't have to make him look like anything, he already does a great job of that by himself. I merely record the events as they go by. Also, I've been told what a hypocrite I am, and if I am for protecting my children, then so be it.
The weekend before the 4th, is always a big deal. We had friends coming into town and were looking forward to the time we would get to spend with them. I stopped on the way home from work to have dinner with them and got a call from the oldest that was in the Zaxby's bathroom crying because she missed her dad. I offered to come, but she said she was fine. When she got home that night, she wasn't. She claimed to have seen him turning by the Walgreens in Gulf Breeze so she knew he was in town, and she was upset. Saturday came and went and I enjoyed spending time with friends but on Sunday, I woke up with anger and discord in my spirit. He had not contacted his kids, nor me other than email, and if I could remember him telling my ex if he couldn't do better than that, that he needed to terminate his parental rights so I woke up thinking I was going to ask for that, because I was so tired of someone being placed in front of his children. I went ahead and got ready for church and took my girls, even though I had that angry spirit over me, and when I got there, the pastor had a altar call. The girls and I went forward, and out of the blue a lady placed her hand on my shoulder and told me she wanted to pray with me. She then spoke about a 20 minute prayer over me that let me know that God still wanted me to fight. Even saying that my marriage was bare bones, but God could renew it and form it with a new skin. Powerful.
I emailed him, told him I was sorry, that I loved him, and that I hoped we could talk later. He said he would call. When he called me that night I led off with how I woke up, how I was feeling, and then the prayer. I told him the next day was the 4th, the first 4th without him and that I hoped he would please stop by and see the kids, or make an attempt to see the kids. I told him God didn't want this for our marriage or for our family. I went on and on, parts were uncomfortable, but I could tell he was hearing me. But that's a little hard to do when you are already with someone else. So truly, it fell on deaf ears.
The 4th came and went and he didn't stop by. It was still a great day, and my kids had a great time!
On the 5th at 8:00 I got a email saying he hoped we had a great 4th. I wrote back that we were disappointed that we didn't get to see him. Then began the barrage of emails back and forth, (because it doesn't matter how I meant it, he takes it the exact opposite way) until I finally drove over there and told him that we had to be friends first and foremost because I don't care who he is seeing, this constant drama was driving me insane. We go back and forth, and when I get up to leave, I notice a female skull and crossbones key and a orange key on his key ring and I mentioned that he had her key on there. I just shook my head and walked out. He then ran after me and said that no, that key was the only one they had at the store, he told me to come back in and I said, I am holding you accountable to being a good dad. You would do it to me, and I just want us to be friends.
We left on a good note and he unblocked my number. Throughout the week we texted here and there, and then on Friday, I took my 10 year old and my 14 year old to meet him. They went to dinner, and as I drove to meet my friend in Alabama to have dinner of my own, the girls were snapchatting and sending me pictures of him just sitting there. Not talking, not interacting, not even the same dad.
My ten year old decided she didn't want to spend the night. I was really hopeful too because mom needed adult time, and because she had packed a bag, but he began texting that she wasn't. So I finally got in the car and drove back to come get her. He had a headcold so I asked him if there was anything I could bring him, since he had already dropped her off, he said No that he was fine. I told him that we loved and missed him. He would not acknowledge that. You know 19 years and 4 kids, you could acknowledge at least that.
Saturday was much of the same, I got up, went to work, and then went out to dinner with my friend. He had already texted that she didn't want to spend the night and asked if he could hang out with her at the house. I said yes, but then came the texts at 9:30 wanting to know where I was and when I would be home. Finally at 10:30 I said I was on my way. Got home, he was sitting on the bed, and things were awkward but okay. He left after we talked for a bit. I didn't think watching him walk away would be hard for me, but it was. Even though I see where my future is headed, it's hard to let the past go out the door, but again before I knew that he truly was just lying and was seeing someone else. It's not that I am stupid, even though I am often mistaken for such. It's that when he has a conversation with you and promises you he is telling the truth, you want desperately to believe him. That is the hardest part about pathological lying.
On Sunday, he didn't get my 10 year old at all because she didn't want to go. He texted and told me. No worries. He will figure it out one day.
On Monday this week, I texted him to tell him that was the first chance I had gotten to talk to our oldest and that she had told me my youngest ended her conversation she was crying. I then texted him back and forth telling him it saddens me to see the relationship with his children be in such shambles, that God doesn't want that for our children..and he entertained it until time to head to see his new girlfriend and then he blocked me.
So in other words he can bug me the entire night that I'm out, but he can block me the minute he goes to be with her? Because that would take him being HONEST with her about how we text, and that's one thing he isn't. Honest.
So Monday I talked to the kids once I got home from work and lunch with my friend, and I told them they could talk to their dad. We waited until he got home that night and I took them over there, and they were crying their eyes out and I told him you can start help picking up these pieces. Instead, he just recorded my conversation of telling him I'm sick of him treating them like that and if he couldn't do better, I wanted him to terminate his rights. He was stoned when we got there, so imagine my surprise when we noticed him sleeping half way through. No empathy, no remorse, nothing for his babies crying.
I have 11 more days to be married to this thing that used to be one of the greatest men I thought I knew. He always had a problem with lying, but I seriously can not believe where he is now. As the rest of the week unfolds, you will see that he truly doesn't care, what happens to me or to his children, it's all about chasing that next piece of tail. I mean left me, for her, then we called him on it together, and she left him, and then he's right back into something else. Stop for just a moment and chase your kids instead of chasing that!
Anger with God is at a all time high again because I don't understand why He keeps letting my kids go through this hurt and anger, but I also know it's for a purpose to make them stronger. I find it hard to pray during this time, but I know that eventually I will come through stronger as well, but I will take my last dying breath trying to make him be better to his kids. They see that and know that, and for that I'm thankful.
