In a strange turn of events, I finally received the closure that both the kids and I needed to move forward. On Monday, I had a conversation with my husband letting him know what days softball practice would be and making sure that he would keep the kids for the weekend so that I could finally get a break and take a mini vacation to Key West. He informed me that he had already cleared it with my 19 year old, and that he would be gone for the weekend. I explained that there is no way that he could be gone, if I am 12 hours away, and he is 6 hours away and one of the kids needed one of us in an emergency, that would not work. He was adamant that he would be going out of town. I had finally had enough. I told him that I have asked for one weekend away in 6 months, actually this was the second weekend I had asked for. I asked that he stay in town and keep the kids for my birthday weekend because I had a friend coming in town from Tennessee and we had plans. He told me that weekend that he could not, he was going out of town for business, and was not sure yet where he would be. Convenient that he was going out of town for Valentines weekend, but I digress. In the court documents, we are supposed to offer the parent first right of refusal for child care, and I just needed a break for goodness sake! He did not budge. Finally, I told him it was not okay that everything was coming before his kids, that I was tired of being done this way, I was tired of the kids being done this way, and that I was texting his girlfriend. I hung up, tapped out the text and hit send. I honestly thought I was blocked, from the first time we had communicated.
The next morning, I received a text back asking for a email address to send communication. We went back and forth, and then she just asked if she could call me. I told her sure, I feel like formal communication was best anyway. She ended up getting stuck at the office and I finally texted and asked if she could call yet. At first, the text I received was telling me that she loved him and that I was trying to hurt him and basically she remained undaunted. I knew he had gotten to her and filled her with lies. We texted back and forth and were making no progress, in fact things were escalating. I finally explained to her that I have nothing to gain by lying to her, and my children have nothing to gain by me lying to her. Everything she had read in this blog was a timeline of events taken straight from my journal that I kept on my phone and placed into this blog. I told her she could talk to the kids, they would tell her first hand that we had lived it. I guess he had given her their numbers, and she called Sam thinking it was Savannah. Sam called her back. The calmest kid I have, hates confrontation but went in his room and shut the door to talk. About that time, I could here Savannah screaming at the top of her lungs inside the house, I went running in and found her sliding down the wall as she screamed bloody murder at her dad who was on the phone. I will never understand why we had to endure this. I calmly took the phone from Sam and said, "It's Keyana can you see what you both are doing to my children?"
On the other end of the line was a calm, soft spoken woman who explained that she wasn't the one doing this. Not at all what I expected. I was waiting for confrontation, and probably a few bad words. I had been praying all day, however, that God would give me the right things to say and to remain completely calm, but in talking with her, the conversation came easily. I reviewed with her the different timeline of events, the bizarre behavior, and as I sat there and listened, she revealed to me that she was not the "mistress" that I thought after all. She explained that a close relationship had developed and that he had indeed spent weekends with her, but denied that a sexual relationship had taken place. I find it very hard to believe that two consenting adults would not have a sexual relationship when spending weekends together, but what did she gain from lying? And I just had to trust that having a conversation with me was showing me a little something about her character.
As we went on to talk, it was clearly evident that my husband had painted quite the picture for her. From my understanding, there were several lies and a lot of manipulating that was going on in both directions. She was being manipulated and lied to about interactions and things with his kids, and I was being manipulated and lied to about it all. Suddenly I realized that the woman I have accused time and again for having zero moral character, actually had some morals after all. It became clear that he was pursuing her pretty heavily, and although it hurt to hear, its the closure that I needed. I know that it takes two to tango, and I realize you are probably sitting here thinking WHAT? How can you sit and have a conversation with a woman that was involved with your husband in some type of affair, but the only answer I can give is Jesus. I asked she just step aside and leave him alone, no calls, no texts, no handwritten letters, nothing. Don't give him the option to come to your house, then he has to stay here and he has to be a better parent, and if our marriage fell back into place, then so be it. It was a last ditch plea to make her see that we have a family, a history, a marriage that was worth it, and even if she had no clue that she was the third party, she was indeed the third party.
At the end of the conversation, and trust there were some laughs and everything shared, I saw that this "mistress" as I had called her before was not the person responsible for destroying our marriage, in fact I think she was not clued in very well at all. Just like I had been broadsided at the restaurant, I think she was broadsided by all of this, because this was heavy, heavy stuff. I ended the conversation by just asking her to consider stepping aside to see where things went. She thanked me and we hung up.
First and foremost, I would like to apologize because when I am wrong, I say I am wrong. After talking with her, I found out that he had not been traveling to see her as far back as October, he was just being untruthful and secretive, and not only was it unfair to his children and myself but it was a bit unfair to her too. I have this blog, and as you can see I have been writing and blaming much of this on her as well as him. For that I am truly sorry. I believe that everything happened for a reason, and that God placed this person and conversation in my life for a reason. There is so much I want to say but just know that I do forgive you, Mellisa and I ask that you forgive me too for anything written here that caused you to think that these were lies or that I was trying to hurt you or him. It's merely part of my story, my story that I am going to use to reach out to other women who have been through a similar circumstance, and you were a part of it. I see you for your courage to even get on the phone and hear my story, but most of all for listening to my children and hearing and respecting them.
The next phone call I got was from him. He told me that that he effing hated me over and over. He asked why I would ruin this for him? He told me that he was now going to be at my house on Friday morning to ruin my life. He screamed and I tried to explain that I did not have personal vendetta against him, that we just needed answers! We have sat here for months, and have made very little progress because every time he comes back to town, and we see glimpses of the man that we once new and loved, we have a glimmer of hope and we start back at square one. He ended by calling me a effing b and said I just needed to vent. I hung up. He called again twice and I texted and said when you can speak to me rationally, I will answer and I did. He told me he was traveling for work, but that he was very angry. I told him I understood, but we have been in misery for months! The second conversation was better minus the cussing.
At 7:30 this morning, I received a text from her that stated I could tell my girls that she had decided to step aside. I explained that I kind of figured from the phone call I got, and explained that he was traveling for work. She then texted back and told me that he was not traveling for work, he drove to her and walked in the door at her house, unbeknownst to her and she lost it. They spoke for an hour and she kicked him out. The thing that hurt me the most was that his children's lives had been shattered again last night, and he ran to her. Not to them, not to me, but 6 hours away to her. It was obvious that was the most important thing to him right now. As the morning went on, I received a call from him and I called back. He told me he was sorry for how he had been hurting me, sorry for the way he had been hurting the kids, and he just wanted to be a better parent for the kids, heal them, be best friends with me again and move forward. It was not a good talk on my behalf because her and I had been texting and I knew that he had just lied to me again. And the apology, though I want it to be sincere, seemed like everything she had said her wishes were for us, the night before he hung up the phone. He told me that we were never getting back together. I asked him why? Why then did he chase me throughout the weekend, ending with us in bed? He had no answer, which infuriated me even more. Later, I did tell him I was very angry but am trying very hard to react to him differently. I reached out and told him that we have a vow together and vowed to raise our children together. We never wanted them to be from a divorced home, I begged him to look into his soul and to try to see that he is fixing to lose 5 very precious things. It fell on deaf ears.
I had let myself slip. On Saturday night he had begged me until almost 2 am to come over and sleep with him, I remained strong, and told him no. He had to choose me or her, he couldn't keep having both. Not to mention, I had to be up at 5 for work. He was unrelenting until I finally had to hang up. On Sunday, when I went to say goodbye, he was holding me, and I slipped. I forgot to keep loving myself enough to not let it happen again. When he was standing there holding me, he began to kiss my neck and that was the end. I left around three with him still begging me to stop and stay.
Throughout the day, some type of relationship developed between her and I. She was easy to talk to and we texted and shared some laughs. I now have a respect for the woman that I one had none for, and I think she has some respect for me. There is only one person who can author that story and his name is God. This continues to be a story of Good winning, because several times throughout these months, I could have made that 6 hour drive and Evil would have won and my life could be forever decidedly different. I continue to remain thankful for how far He has brought me through all of this, and I am proud for how far He has brought her too. Now the toughest part begins. Praying for my husband to find Jesus again. I am going to have my work cutout for me.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Monday, February 22, 2016
Baby Steps
My heart is full of joy and sadness at the same time.
So many mixed emotions came with this past weekend. It was my children's weekend with their dad, and in all honesty, when I drove to the gas station up the road that we meet at, I felt this would be the weekend that he finally stood them up. The 10 year old and 14 year old felt the same way, in fact I had to take them to the park and then to dinner so they wouldn't know that would be our final stop. When we arrived at the gas station, they caught on pretty quick and both adamantly told me they were not going with him and I couldn't make them. I honestly didn't think it would be a problem, because he wasn't going to show I thought. After all, we had called this week when we needed him, and were sent to voicemail over and over again. Hearts broken, over and over still almost 6 months later. This was the week that I figured he would finally make her the priority in his life, but thankfully I was wrong.
On 2/16, I had finally had enough and decided I couldn't carry the load for even one more second. I committed that day to praying for my husband and his mistress with and open and loving heart for at least 30 days. This was not for anything other than my own growth. Praying for Him, Lord, please open his eyes and let him see the wonderful blessings you have given him right here at home, and God if it isn't your will that he come back to us, at least make him a better dad to my kids. It was a full surrendering of my life to Christ that came along with it as well.
For Her: Oh wow, probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. That God would convict her heart, and her mind so that she would see that we were very much a happy family until she preyed on my husband, and that the weight of her actions would lie so heavily on her mind, that she just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know how to pray any further. But I said this prayer Morning and Night as well as daily prayers over my Husband from The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormi O'Martian, and Praying for your Husband from Head to Toe by Sharon Jaynes. More time was definitely spent in prayer for him, but still I prayed for them every day, twice a day.
He showed up on Friday, 2/19 at the gas station. When I got out of the car to tell him his children didn't want to go with him, he told me he was going to have me arrested for impeding his visitation with them. I told him to get them out of the car! I was by no means impeding relationships with his children in any way. He tried and they refused. Of course the conversation waxed and waned. He told me I was acting like I was on a episode of Jerry Springer because I kept getting up and standing on my tiptoes and speaking life at him. Sorry if I am over passionate about you being a good parent to your children, and putting us first over your girlfriend!! He claimed his phone went dead on Wednesday night, and that's why he couldn't speak to his girls. But my 14 year old sent a email at 9:20 and by 9:47 she had received a reply, sent from iPhone. He still claimed that he wasn't anywhere but traveling for work. I wanted so desperately once again to believe him, but I knew I had to guard my heart. At the end, I told him that not only did I know that I had hurt him during our marriage, but that there was a time when I would have done anything, to fix it, and would have spent the rest of my life making him happy. We drove away and he followed me home, but I had company so he left again.
I talked to my 10 year old because during the interaction at the gas station, he had presented her the phone he had been promising for many months. I told her he really did want her to spend the night with him, and asked would she reconsider. I never want to be told that I am the one impeding a relationship. I have chased my husband for 6 months, begging him to be the man and father that he was called to be for this family. I have lived first hand with a broken relationship with a father, and its the last thing I would ever want for my children. I have begged him to see our beauty and our worth. I have asked over and over, emailed begging, pleading, and crying on behalf of my family. It continued to fall on deaf ears. My 10 year old conceded, and I took her to his apartment. It was my way of extending a olive branch to him once again. We talked for about 30 minutes. I just wanted him so desperately to understand that we were nowhere near a divorce, and that I would have done anything to fix it. Maybe she remained on the phone in his pocket, I am unsure because he was on the phone when we arrived, but at the end he told me that he wanted to just be co parents and that I needed to try to do that. I looked at him and said "I just brought your daughter to you, I am trying and have been trying for months" and I walked away.
He called me later that night and thanked me for bringing her to him, I told him he was welcome. He had agreed earlier to talk with our children over dinner on Saturday or Sunday. I couldn't believe how my prayers were working! The conversation was short, but Saturday morning when I woke up for work I noticed that he had called twice again after I fell asleep. It's these phone calls that I will always wonder about. Was there something else that He wanted to say?
Saturday, he took our oldest car shopping. In the middle of the day he called my cell but didn't leave a message. When I text him, he told me that it went well, and thanked me repeatedly for talking with the kids the night before and trying to help him with their relationship. You are welcome, was my reply. The 10 year old didn't want to spend the night with him again and he didn't press the issue. On the way home from work, he called again and he just told me thank you I told him he was welcome. I have never wanted anything other than the father that my children used to have back in their lives. Once I got home, he called me again. Words that still needed to be said, I could feel it. We began talking and I just tried over and over to make this man see our beauty. God's treasures specifically created in this family that Satan was wanting so desperately to destroy. My gf was sitting beside me, the more life I spoke the angrier he got. When I got to Love bears ALL things, it endures ALL things he just kept saying Okay well, I'm not doing this, and we finally hung up. I just felt it my duty to continue telling my husband over and over that God doesn't want this for us, for any of us. Afterwards we texted, and right before bed I called him back. He had had some bourbon, and the conversation was going pretty decent. I asked him if he loved her, and the phone fell silent. My heart broke, but the conversation was also so freeing it was almost like the high I get after I run. I asked again. "Andy, Do you love her?" He replied, "I don't know." I remained completely calm as the one who took a vow with God and with me to love me for eternity, practically declared his possible love for someone else. I couldn't breathe, but God gave me the right words to say. In that moment, I told him not to risk everything he has here for someone who may potentially break his heart later. "I shouldn't care if you walk out in traffic and get hit by a truck at this point after all that you have done to us, but I do." I carefully chose my words hoping that just one of them would touch his heart. I continued talking and then when it was his turn he fell silent again. "I was your best friend for 18 years, just open your mouth and talk to me" he told me if he opened his mouth, that the conversation would turn inappropriate. "Not what I am talking about, but there again, I am your wife" We stayed on the phone until almost two a.m. talking like old friends and flirting with each other. "You hang up, no you hang up" I really thought prayers were being answered. Was he starting to finally see our beauty again?
Sunday 2/21, I got up and went to work. I heard nothing all day, but I knew we were meeting for dinner at 8pm. I was so excited and when I got there and we saw each other, it was like we were still together and best friends. I laid the ground rules and let each child begin to speak. My son went first, he cried and told him that everything this man has ever taught us was now a lie. He was angry, I cried to see my 19 year old grown son cry! But across from me was this man who just continued eating his salad with zero emotion on his face. No apology, no words said. Then it was the 14 year old, she told him how she felt and that he had used up his chances with her, when she needed him he wasn't there. Still, no emotion, just continuing to eat his salad. My 10 year old had nothing to say, and then it was my 17 year olds turn. My daughter who is bravely strong, fiercely independent, and so spunky you can't stand it sometimes, the one who had her own secret handshake with her dad that she did every single night before bed. She began telling him that she would now be talking to him like everything was a business proposition since that is the way he speaks to her. She showed very little emotion but talked about how he destroyed her family, how he destroyed her, how she has had to miss school because the grief was so severe that some days she couldn't get out of her bed. She poured her heart out and then followed up with "Now we want truthful answers" He agreed. Still no tears shed, no emotion on his face. "Are you in a relationship?" She asked "Yes" he replied. "Does she live in Tampa?" "Yes" he replied. "Is it Mellisa? " "Yes" he replied. In that moment, as I was broadsided in a public restaurant, as my children's hearts broke, there was no amount of Jesus that could hold me. My first thought, oh me and her are meeting tonight, to which he began telling me he was getting a restraining order..at this point we were in the parking lot. He then calmed me down enough that we went back inside to which he tried to tell my children, no relationship developed until just a few weeks ago. LIES!! All LIES!! I had caught him at her home now twice!! I got mad and walked out again, after tossing water into his face. I had enough. And once again, there are our poor children in a restaurant, with their lives shattered. I bet she slept good though.
We went back in and paid the bill and as the children walked out, standing one by one with tears rolling down their faces, still zero emotion, nor one tear shed. He tried to tell them he loved them. My oldest had called her boyfriend to come get her and my 14 year old. My 10 year old got in the car with me. My son just drove himself. Shock. Broken Hearts. One Man, One Woman destroying 5 lives. It was absurd. He followed me home, and we talked some more. All I wanted was answers. HE told me he would call me tomorrow. He made it home and called and asked if we could have a old fashioned Andy and Keyana talk, and I said yes. In that moment, I really felt God was working and this was it, so I went first and confessed my soul to him. He did actually cry at that moment, and told me he was so sorry, but then when it was his turn, he wouldn't answer a thing. "You don't get to know my actions anymore" This isn't quid pro quo" my heart broke again. I had fought for 6 months for our family, for us, and this was it. I ended up driving to his home, I laid my head on his chest and held his hand, and I cried, and cried, and cried. As I laid there, I envisioned him laying in the hospital about to draw his last breath. This. This is what it feels like to lose the love of your life. I thought about every good time we had, every baby we held, every breath he took, the good times, the bad times, it all flashed before my eyes. This. This is what it was like to say Goodbye. Hold me Jesus. I cried for almost two hours, and every time I would get up to leave he would tell me to stop. I wanted emotion, I wanted him to tell me I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen again. I stayed until almost 3. Heart Broken.
I woke up this morning and decided I would praise Him through this storm. I prayed for both of them again, and thanked God for the baby steps that were taken towards co-parenting. I love him, and always will, but right now, he can't see the beauty in me or in my children. God, please hold us in the upcoming weeks. Right now we are broken, but I know that you are perfect and you have a plan for us. Thank you, Jesus.
So many mixed emotions came with this past weekend. It was my children's weekend with their dad, and in all honesty, when I drove to the gas station up the road that we meet at, I felt this would be the weekend that he finally stood them up. The 10 year old and 14 year old felt the same way, in fact I had to take them to the park and then to dinner so they wouldn't know that would be our final stop. When we arrived at the gas station, they caught on pretty quick and both adamantly told me they were not going with him and I couldn't make them. I honestly didn't think it would be a problem, because he wasn't going to show I thought. After all, we had called this week when we needed him, and were sent to voicemail over and over again. Hearts broken, over and over still almost 6 months later. This was the week that I figured he would finally make her the priority in his life, but thankfully I was wrong.
On 2/16, I had finally had enough and decided I couldn't carry the load for even one more second. I committed that day to praying for my husband and his mistress with and open and loving heart for at least 30 days. This was not for anything other than my own growth. Praying for Him, Lord, please open his eyes and let him see the wonderful blessings you have given him right here at home, and God if it isn't your will that he come back to us, at least make him a better dad to my kids. It was a full surrendering of my life to Christ that came along with it as well.
For Her: Oh wow, probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. That God would convict her heart, and her mind so that she would see that we were very much a happy family until she preyed on my husband, and that the weight of her actions would lie so heavily on her mind, that she just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know how to pray any further. But I said this prayer Morning and Night as well as daily prayers over my Husband from The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormi O'Martian, and Praying for your Husband from Head to Toe by Sharon Jaynes. More time was definitely spent in prayer for him, but still I prayed for them every day, twice a day.
He showed up on Friday, 2/19 at the gas station. When I got out of the car to tell him his children didn't want to go with him, he told me he was going to have me arrested for impeding his visitation with them. I told him to get them out of the car! I was by no means impeding relationships with his children in any way. He tried and they refused. Of course the conversation waxed and waned. He told me I was acting like I was on a episode of Jerry Springer because I kept getting up and standing on my tiptoes and speaking life at him. Sorry if I am over passionate about you being a good parent to your children, and putting us first over your girlfriend!! He claimed his phone went dead on Wednesday night, and that's why he couldn't speak to his girls. But my 14 year old sent a email at 9:20 and by 9:47 she had received a reply, sent from iPhone. He still claimed that he wasn't anywhere but traveling for work. I wanted so desperately once again to believe him, but I knew I had to guard my heart. At the end, I told him that not only did I know that I had hurt him during our marriage, but that there was a time when I would have done anything, to fix it, and would have spent the rest of my life making him happy. We drove away and he followed me home, but I had company so he left again.
I talked to my 10 year old because during the interaction at the gas station, he had presented her the phone he had been promising for many months. I told her he really did want her to spend the night with him, and asked would she reconsider. I never want to be told that I am the one impeding a relationship. I have chased my husband for 6 months, begging him to be the man and father that he was called to be for this family. I have lived first hand with a broken relationship with a father, and its the last thing I would ever want for my children. I have begged him to see our beauty and our worth. I have asked over and over, emailed begging, pleading, and crying on behalf of my family. It continued to fall on deaf ears. My 10 year old conceded, and I took her to his apartment. It was my way of extending a olive branch to him once again. We talked for about 30 minutes. I just wanted him so desperately to understand that we were nowhere near a divorce, and that I would have done anything to fix it. Maybe she remained on the phone in his pocket, I am unsure because he was on the phone when we arrived, but at the end he told me that he wanted to just be co parents and that I needed to try to do that. I looked at him and said "I just brought your daughter to you, I am trying and have been trying for months" and I walked away.
He called me later that night and thanked me for bringing her to him, I told him he was welcome. He had agreed earlier to talk with our children over dinner on Saturday or Sunday. I couldn't believe how my prayers were working! The conversation was short, but Saturday morning when I woke up for work I noticed that he had called twice again after I fell asleep. It's these phone calls that I will always wonder about. Was there something else that He wanted to say?
Saturday, he took our oldest car shopping. In the middle of the day he called my cell but didn't leave a message. When I text him, he told me that it went well, and thanked me repeatedly for talking with the kids the night before and trying to help him with their relationship. You are welcome, was my reply. The 10 year old didn't want to spend the night with him again and he didn't press the issue. On the way home from work, he called again and he just told me thank you I told him he was welcome. I have never wanted anything other than the father that my children used to have back in their lives. Once I got home, he called me again. Words that still needed to be said, I could feel it. We began talking and I just tried over and over to make this man see our beauty. God's treasures specifically created in this family that Satan was wanting so desperately to destroy. My gf was sitting beside me, the more life I spoke the angrier he got. When I got to Love bears ALL things, it endures ALL things he just kept saying Okay well, I'm not doing this, and we finally hung up. I just felt it my duty to continue telling my husband over and over that God doesn't want this for us, for any of us. Afterwards we texted, and right before bed I called him back. He had had some bourbon, and the conversation was going pretty decent. I asked him if he loved her, and the phone fell silent. My heart broke, but the conversation was also so freeing it was almost like the high I get after I run. I asked again. "Andy, Do you love her?" He replied, "I don't know." I remained completely calm as the one who took a vow with God and with me to love me for eternity, practically declared his possible love for someone else. I couldn't breathe, but God gave me the right words to say. In that moment, I told him not to risk everything he has here for someone who may potentially break his heart later. "I shouldn't care if you walk out in traffic and get hit by a truck at this point after all that you have done to us, but I do." I carefully chose my words hoping that just one of them would touch his heart. I continued talking and then when it was his turn he fell silent again. "I was your best friend for 18 years, just open your mouth and talk to me" he told me if he opened his mouth, that the conversation would turn inappropriate. "Not what I am talking about, but there again, I am your wife" We stayed on the phone until almost two a.m. talking like old friends and flirting with each other. "You hang up, no you hang up" I really thought prayers were being answered. Was he starting to finally see our beauty again?
Sunday 2/21, I got up and went to work. I heard nothing all day, but I knew we were meeting for dinner at 8pm. I was so excited and when I got there and we saw each other, it was like we were still together and best friends. I laid the ground rules and let each child begin to speak. My son went first, he cried and told him that everything this man has ever taught us was now a lie. He was angry, I cried to see my 19 year old grown son cry! But across from me was this man who just continued eating his salad with zero emotion on his face. No apology, no words said. Then it was the 14 year old, she told him how she felt and that he had used up his chances with her, when she needed him he wasn't there. Still, no emotion, just continuing to eat his salad. My 10 year old had nothing to say, and then it was my 17 year olds turn. My daughter who is bravely strong, fiercely independent, and so spunky you can't stand it sometimes, the one who had her own secret handshake with her dad that she did every single night before bed. She began telling him that she would now be talking to him like everything was a business proposition since that is the way he speaks to her. She showed very little emotion but talked about how he destroyed her family, how he destroyed her, how she has had to miss school because the grief was so severe that some days she couldn't get out of her bed. She poured her heart out and then followed up with "Now we want truthful answers" He agreed. Still no tears shed, no emotion on his face. "Are you in a relationship?" She asked "Yes" he replied. "Does she live in Tampa?" "Yes" he replied. "Is it Mellisa? " "Yes" he replied. In that moment, as I was broadsided in a public restaurant, as my children's hearts broke, there was no amount of Jesus that could hold me. My first thought, oh me and her are meeting tonight, to which he began telling me he was getting a restraining order..at this point we were in the parking lot. He then calmed me down enough that we went back inside to which he tried to tell my children, no relationship developed until just a few weeks ago. LIES!! All LIES!! I had caught him at her home now twice!! I got mad and walked out again, after tossing water into his face. I had enough. And once again, there are our poor children in a restaurant, with their lives shattered. I bet she slept good though.
We went back in and paid the bill and as the children walked out, standing one by one with tears rolling down their faces, still zero emotion, nor one tear shed. He tried to tell them he loved them. My oldest had called her boyfriend to come get her and my 14 year old. My 10 year old got in the car with me. My son just drove himself. Shock. Broken Hearts. One Man, One Woman destroying 5 lives. It was absurd. He followed me home, and we talked some more. All I wanted was answers. HE told me he would call me tomorrow. He made it home and called and asked if we could have a old fashioned Andy and Keyana talk, and I said yes. In that moment, I really felt God was working and this was it, so I went first and confessed my soul to him. He did actually cry at that moment, and told me he was so sorry, but then when it was his turn, he wouldn't answer a thing. "You don't get to know my actions anymore" This isn't quid pro quo" my heart broke again. I had fought for 6 months for our family, for us, and this was it. I ended up driving to his home, I laid my head on his chest and held his hand, and I cried, and cried, and cried. As I laid there, I envisioned him laying in the hospital about to draw his last breath. This. This is what it feels like to lose the love of your life. I thought about every good time we had, every baby we held, every breath he took, the good times, the bad times, it all flashed before my eyes. This. This is what it was like to say Goodbye. Hold me Jesus. I cried for almost two hours, and every time I would get up to leave he would tell me to stop. I wanted emotion, I wanted him to tell me I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen again. I stayed until almost 3. Heart Broken.
I woke up this morning and decided I would praise Him through this storm. I prayed for both of them again, and thanked God for the baby steps that were taken towards co-parenting. I love him, and always will, but right now, he can't see the beauty in me or in my children. God, please hold us in the upcoming weeks. Right now we are broken, but I know that you are perfect and you have a plan for us. Thank you, Jesus.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Non-Parenting
So another week has passed, and still no changes. I have given up on my children ever knowing or having him as their father again. This weekend was my birthday and Valentines Day. I had offered for him to keep his own children this weekend so I could have fun for once. After all, this would be his 7th trip where he has been gone and I have yet to get a break. Every reader by now knows the answer, he was going out of town. Still claiming it was business, and he didn't know where he would be for the weekend. Once again, she was the most important thing over my children.
This week my girls heard from him once on Wednesday, and once on Thursday. He made promises to buy Savannah a car, and talked with the little girls for 5 minutes on Thursday, and there was still no genuine personal interest in them, their lives, or their well being during that 5 minute phone call. Instead, he lied to them again and told them he was in Pensacola, when really they knew he was gone.
Then came the Valentines cards. A sad attempt at trying to look like a better father. My 10 year old opened hers and in it was a Taco Bell gift card. I am certain these were probably sent to him by his mother, to give the girls, but I digress. When the 10 year old opened the card she asked "Mommy, do you think any money is on it?" and there it was, out of the mouths of babes. In other words, we can't trust anything that he says or does anymore so there probably isn't.
My 14 year old wanted to burn her card and our counselor has said feeling that way is fine and burning therapy is a form of release. On Saturday, he left her a message that said "Hey it's daddy" to which she stated "Who does he think he is? He isn't my dad anymore, he's a sperm donor and nothing else." Mind you in the message he let her know he would be too busy on Valentines Day to actually call her.
My 17 year old showed zero emotion, took the taco bell gift card and said "this means nothing to me."
My 19 year old son asked where his card was, because after all, my ex had raised him since 6 months of age, but because my son has strong opinions and feelings of anger, I guess he is just going to write him off all together.
I ended up having a fantastic weekend despite the feelings and emotions that I was here having to deal with, because of course he was out of town again and can't.
I guess my number one question is how can anyone ever be more important than your children? How do you sleep at night with no guilt or shame about what you have done to them, and what you continue to do. How can she as the mistress be okay with this man treating his children and subsequently his ex wife with such little respect that he just drops everything to see her anytime he isn't required here? How do you go from being an almost stay at home dad with them to not seeing them at all, except for 48 hours every other weekend and even then you are so caught up in her that you can't even spend quality time with them? I mean you really think you know someone, but then they show you their true colors. I can't wait for her to see the true colors of this person, because I have a feeling she is going to be very shocked.
God is still working overtime and blessing us abundantly even through all of this. He continues to supply for our needs and at this point my children have resigned themselves to the fact that he isn't going to be here for them anymore as well.
This week my girls heard from him once on Wednesday, and once on Thursday. He made promises to buy Savannah a car, and talked with the little girls for 5 minutes on Thursday, and there was still no genuine personal interest in them, their lives, or their well being during that 5 minute phone call. Instead, he lied to them again and told them he was in Pensacola, when really they knew he was gone.
Then came the Valentines cards. A sad attempt at trying to look like a better father. My 10 year old opened hers and in it was a Taco Bell gift card. I am certain these were probably sent to him by his mother, to give the girls, but I digress. When the 10 year old opened the card she asked "Mommy, do you think any money is on it?" and there it was, out of the mouths of babes. In other words, we can't trust anything that he says or does anymore so there probably isn't.
My 14 year old wanted to burn her card and our counselor has said feeling that way is fine and burning therapy is a form of release. On Saturday, he left her a message that said "Hey it's daddy" to which she stated "Who does he think he is? He isn't my dad anymore, he's a sperm donor and nothing else." Mind you in the message he let her know he would be too busy on Valentines Day to actually call her.
My 17 year old showed zero emotion, took the taco bell gift card and said "this means nothing to me."
My 19 year old son asked where his card was, because after all, my ex had raised him since 6 months of age, but because my son has strong opinions and feelings of anger, I guess he is just going to write him off all together.
I ended up having a fantastic weekend despite the feelings and emotions that I was here having to deal with, because of course he was out of town again and can't.
I guess my number one question is how can anyone ever be more important than your children? How do you sleep at night with no guilt or shame about what you have done to them, and what you continue to do. How can she as the mistress be okay with this man treating his children and subsequently his ex wife with such little respect that he just drops everything to see her anytime he isn't required here? How do you go from being an almost stay at home dad with them to not seeing them at all, except for 48 hours every other weekend and even then you are so caught up in her that you can't even spend quality time with them? I mean you really think you know someone, but then they show you their true colors. I can't wait for her to see the true colors of this person, because I have a feeling she is going to be very shocked.
God is still working overtime and blessing us abundantly even through all of this. He continues to supply for our needs and at this point my children have resigned themselves to the fact that he isn't going to be here for them anymore as well.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Co-Parenting
I'm not sure why I thought this week would be any different, because it wasn't. He returned to town on 2/3 just in time to pick up my 10 year old for the weekend. On Friday, 2/5 I was at work and my 14 year old was having abdominal pain. Our email interaction had been a bit hateful the couple of days before, so I really didn't want to call him, but I was busy on the floor at work and I needed someone who could sit with my daughter. When he arrived I updated him on what was going on. I also told him he didn't need to lose more weight, at this point he almost looked sick. He stayed with her all day and I told him over and over that I appreciated him. I also told him on twitter that I appreciated him. He tweeted back that he would always be there for the kids. I tweeted him back and forth that he has not been, but that we had hoped he would be from now on, but that would take him giving us accountability and trust. At 10:30 that night my phone rang. He told me thank you for keeping him informed and allowing him to be present at the hospital. I told him thank you and I couldn't have done it without him. It was a great pone call and it left me hopeful that something was going to change.
On Sunday, 2/7 it was our 10 year olds adoption day. I sent him a email that morning from work:
Me
On Sunday, 2/7 it was our 10 year olds adoption day. I sent him a email that morning from work:
Andy-
First and foremost, I just wanted to say Happy Adoption Day, Daddy! Life certainly isn't how I wanted or dreamed of it being, but I think its important for us to realize together just how special that day was for both you and I. I miss having you at home to celebrate this special day with us.
I know that a lot has gone on, we have both done so much wrong, and for that I am truly sorry. Last week when I let go of a lot of things, the anger and bitterness was one of them. I hope you can tell that by our interaction Friday. I am still a little hurt that you still won't admit to doing anything wrong or having a relationship with Mellisa, but I hope that will come in time because as I said before, I was your best friend.
I am not sure just what about me placing your things on the front porch sent you over the edge, but I have known since your second trip to "Tallahassee" that you both were together. I still allowed you to come back into my life many times after that, and there was a time I would have done anything to save us, and I hope you will always realize that.
You were my everything, my all, and my favorite thing to love.
I am still very committed to us rebuilding a friendship through co-parenting. I realize this is going to be hard for us, and hard for her as I am sure there will be continued jealousy as she has shown each time that you have left to come back home. I truly hope you will not let that stand in our way. I want us to work together to co-parent which means no lying, no secretiveness, no running out of town when we need you. I need to see that you are truly 100% committed to staying around and parenting, especially during the upcoming sports season and know that I can rely on you. Through that, it is my hope that we can eventually take the kids to dinner together, give them a sense of togetherness and family still even though it isn't the way I had hoped it to be. I plan on taking them to Disney quite a bit, and its my hope that eventually you would be able to travel with us.
I want nothing but positive interaction from here on out. I am in a really good place and it only keeps getting better, and I just want the very best for the kids. I know the girls are giving you a really hard time, but please put yourself in their shoes. Their entire world/happiness as they knew it ended pretty abruptly, and they are still being told that you all aren't together. That will probably continue until their is some honesty, accountability, and trust built up. Please don't let anger or her consume you and not help them work through these feelings, I'm a adult, leaving it at the altar was easy for me, its a lot harder for them as kids.
I love you as the father of my children. Thank you for taking that 18 year ride with me through all the bumps and bruises, and for taking Lanie that day I called you and told you we were getting a baby. She is one of my greatest gifts and I would not have had her if not for your love and support. Thank you also for all the nights that you spent up driving her to Westmoreland so that I could better our lives. I know you felt unnoticed and underappreciated, but you really never were and I hope you know that. I hope you guys have a great day together. Tell her I can't wait to see her tonight. Hugs!
Me
After the email, I got no response. So on my way home that night, the 10 year old told me that he had spent the entire weekend talking to someone named Wayne on his phone. I assumed that he is indeed either gay, or that he had renamed her Wayne so she couldn't see who he was talking to. Not only that, but he told her they would watch a movie, and went in his room instead and so she ended up watching the movie by herself. She said that anytime she needed him he would be in his room and respond with "What do you need now" and come get it for her and then stay in his room some more. This was after he told me on Friday they had a great time. Of course he also told me that he was having a great time with the 14 year old in the ER and great conversations with her, and that he was going to take her out to eat for pizza. The 14 year old told me their conversation consisted of her asking about his girlfriend and him responding "I'm not doing this now" and that he actually got her a pizza and took her home to eat it.
I decided to call to talk to him about being a better parent, and told him to please be responsive to his girls when they are there. I ended up being cussed and told to shut the eff up, g-damnit, and told that it was none of my business who he was with any longer. I told him I didn't care that this conversation was to talk about him being a better parent and helping me parent the kids. He told me that my above email was passive aggressive, which it was not meant to be anything other than sincere. At one point his response was I will get a list of their game schedules and show up when I can.
I spent 2 hours on the phone with him and had redundant conversation. At 12:05 on 12/8 we committed to being friends first and co-parents second. I got home from work on 12/9 and my 10 year old was still wanting to talk before bed. She told me that she had told him that she didn't want to go to his house in the first place this week, but that he told her he thought she should. She told me that she was still hurt because even at the Mardi Gras parade he would go off and take phone calls with Wayne while she stood there with our neighbors. She told me she basically felt like he was just being around her because he had to be not because he wanted to be. She told me he took her to the cult church. I was devastated that my 10 year old laid in my bed for almost an hour and told me all of this. I emailed about the church part, but decided that I won't be making her go from now on if she doesn't want to. It was not a fun time for her, and she felt like she was a burden then I don't think its okay to continue putting her through that. Of course when my 17 year old tried to talk to him about all of this, last night, he didn't answer until 2 calls, and then called her back, meaning he was probably out of town once again. Parenting with him is going to be impossible, but thank goodness I am already used to doing it on my own.
Satan is the author of this confusion. At the end of our 2 hour conversation, I told him that. I told him that this did not have to be hard. I no longer love him, except for being the father of my children. I just want him to be a better dad and put his children first. It is still my hope that light bulb will go off, but so far the kids and I are fighting a losing battle.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
God Winks
One more blog for the day, and I think everything will be caught up. This one is called God Winks.
God Winks are the little glimmers of hope that I have been given when I have felt utterly alone. I began tithing before I knew anything was wrong with my marriage. I felt that even though we were borrowing money to live on, we would never reap God's blessings if I didn't tithe. So even at my lowest point, even at the point when I didn't even have sandwich bread and my kids were going to begin getting free lunches at school, when I was having to get my food from a food bank, (yes it was that hairy for a few weeks there) I remained faithful with my tithing. Here are a few benefits that I have reaped from being faithful. Even though as mentioned in the accountability blog, I may not have been acting very Christian, I remained faithful with my tithing.
I received a Christmas dinner through my daughters school, even though my oven was broken and I couldn't cook it and all of the food (including the extra my son had bought at Publix) I was still humbly blessed when they called to tell me the food was coming. I am hoping for better luck at Easter. My landlord also sent me a check in return for the dinner that went to waste.
We were adopted as a angel family. I will never be in a position for Christmas again where I depend on a man, or depend on a man to help me with that. It was so humbling, and I will never forget and will always pay it forward.
I received a check in the mail from a bank account that I had 10 years ago. I mean really? I just got this last Friday, when I knew he was out of town again and had to sign up the girls for sports, buy sports equipment for workouts, and my 14 year old had a eye infection that lead to her new glasses, eye exam, and 4 subsequent visits. I was a bit overwhelmed when he told me he wouldn't be depositing money until today, but that check was just enough to hold me over.
Here are a few more God Winks, I have seen over this.
From Beyoncé to Bethel the day on the bridge.
I finally was able to get his music off my phone, but apparently I left a Steven Curtis Chapman song, called Beauty Will Rise on there. For a long while every morning that I got up and got in my car, that song would be on automatically on my blue tooth. Coincidence that this blog is named after that song? I think not.
Friendships: Oh my goodness what would I do without them? I literally had two women here, My cousin and a gf that I met through my cousin. But I have had friends call me, text me, inbox me on facebook, dm me on twitter, every single day from Tennessee, they have stayed on the phone with me, prayed with me, prevented me from driving to Tampa and subsequently go to jail, they have laughed with me, cried with me, and I have had them any time of the night or day. Morning, noon, and night with advice and nothing but love. I have seen God in every single one of them. And it has been moving.
In keeping with the friendships, I was so scared that I would not get to know anyone down here aside from the girls that I worked with, but one by one, God has brought people through my children that have become a whole new set of girlfriends down here. He is showing me that indeed I can make a life for us down here without my husband, and one that is going to be amazing at best.
You are known for the women you keep, and I have been blessed with some of the very best.
A new church, that already has many people reaching out to me and pouring love to me and my children. Tonight my children went to church on their own and recommitted their lives to Christ too. I am so humbled by what God is doing, even when he is working behind the scenes, even when I don't please Him, He is working.
I have also never given up on Praying for my husband and his mistress every single day. I bought a book on Amazon called Praying for your husband from head to toe, and I have continued to read that, but the other day I went to find a cookbook I found the Power of a Praying Wife by Stormi Omartian. I begin reading that and chapter one was perfect for me, it teaches me to get things out of your own heart before you can start praying for others, so I have been working on that. How weird was it that this book was sitting in amongst my cookbooks? And here is my favorite part..Lord, please turn my selfishness, impatience and irritability into kindness, long-suffering, an the willingness to bear all things <------ I'm still a work in progress. Take my old emotional habits, mindsets, automatic reactions, rude assumptions, and self protective stance and make me kind, patient, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled.<------ Still a work in progress, again but I know that he will make beauty for these ashes in all of our lives!!!
God Winks are the little glimmers of hope that I have been given when I have felt utterly alone. I began tithing before I knew anything was wrong with my marriage. I felt that even though we were borrowing money to live on, we would never reap God's blessings if I didn't tithe. So even at my lowest point, even at the point when I didn't even have sandwich bread and my kids were going to begin getting free lunches at school, when I was having to get my food from a food bank, (yes it was that hairy for a few weeks there) I remained faithful with my tithing. Here are a few benefits that I have reaped from being faithful. Even though as mentioned in the accountability blog, I may not have been acting very Christian, I remained faithful with my tithing.
I received a Christmas dinner through my daughters school, even though my oven was broken and I couldn't cook it and all of the food (including the extra my son had bought at Publix) I was still humbly blessed when they called to tell me the food was coming. I am hoping for better luck at Easter. My landlord also sent me a check in return for the dinner that went to waste.
We were adopted as a angel family. I will never be in a position for Christmas again where I depend on a man, or depend on a man to help me with that. It was so humbling, and I will never forget and will always pay it forward.
I received a check in the mail from a bank account that I had 10 years ago. I mean really? I just got this last Friday, when I knew he was out of town again and had to sign up the girls for sports, buy sports equipment for workouts, and my 14 year old had a eye infection that lead to her new glasses, eye exam, and 4 subsequent visits. I was a bit overwhelmed when he told me he wouldn't be depositing money until today, but that check was just enough to hold me over.
Here are a few more God Winks, I have seen over this.
From Beyoncé to Bethel the day on the bridge.
I finally was able to get his music off my phone, but apparently I left a Steven Curtis Chapman song, called Beauty Will Rise on there. For a long while every morning that I got up and got in my car, that song would be on automatically on my blue tooth. Coincidence that this blog is named after that song? I think not.
Friendships: Oh my goodness what would I do without them? I literally had two women here, My cousin and a gf that I met through my cousin. But I have had friends call me, text me, inbox me on facebook, dm me on twitter, every single day from Tennessee, they have stayed on the phone with me, prayed with me, prevented me from driving to Tampa and subsequently go to jail, they have laughed with me, cried with me, and I have had them any time of the night or day. Morning, noon, and night with advice and nothing but love. I have seen God in every single one of them. And it has been moving.
In keeping with the friendships, I was so scared that I would not get to know anyone down here aside from the girls that I worked with, but one by one, God has brought people through my children that have become a whole new set of girlfriends down here. He is showing me that indeed I can make a life for us down here without my husband, and one that is going to be amazing at best.
You are known for the women you keep, and I have been blessed with some of the very best.
A new church, that already has many people reaching out to me and pouring love to me and my children. Tonight my children went to church on their own and recommitted their lives to Christ too. I am so humbled by what God is doing, even when he is working behind the scenes, even when I don't please Him, He is working.
I have also never given up on Praying for my husband and his mistress every single day. I bought a book on Amazon called Praying for your husband from head to toe, and I have continued to read that, but the other day I went to find a cookbook I found the Power of a Praying Wife by Stormi Omartian. I begin reading that and chapter one was perfect for me, it teaches me to get things out of your own heart before you can start praying for others, so I have been working on that. How weird was it that this book was sitting in amongst my cookbooks? And here is my favorite part..Lord, please turn my selfishness, impatience and irritability into kindness, long-suffering, an the willingness to bear all things <------ I'm still a work in progress. Take my old emotional habits, mindsets, automatic reactions, rude assumptions, and self protective stance and make me kind, patient, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled.<------ Still a work in progress, again but I know that he will make beauty for these ashes in all of our lives!!!
Accountability
This is a blog about accountability. It's a break from the monthly blogs that I have written today. I wrote all of these today because on Sunday, I went to a different church with a friend of mine and I joined a small group and recommitted my life to Christ. Last night was just introduction, but I knew that I needed to purge all of this so that I can A. Delete all the journals from my phone, and B. Start building this new life with me and my children on a clean slate. It has been so easy to purge it all throughout the day today, and I honestly feel like a new person. It's truly amazing what can happen when you hand it over to Him.
I hold myself fully accountable for the mistakes I have made in my marriage. I grew up in an abusive home and I only learned one very sad, distorted love language. Yes, I could have changed it, but I did not know any other way to fight normally, or fight fair, no, I just knew how to go for the jugular. Its what I had seen and heard my entire life. I was called a whore at 13, since I didn't have sex until I was married at 21, imagine the horror I felt at being called the same name that my cousin was called after she had sex with several boys at the age of 16? I was also told that I was brought into the world and I could be taken out, while having my father's fist pulled back at me in my face. During the past 6 months, I have been told that I am using this as a excuse because I spent just as much time in a marriage with a man that I did with my family, and he tried to show me unconditional love. I am not using anything as a excuse, I fully accept that I have called every one including my children names and have thrown temper tantrums that have reached epic proportions. I was also allowed to act this way, and even when I would ask my husband "why and how can you love me" he would always say "because you are you, and I just do no matter what" My temper has waxed and waned over the years, and I am working every day to be better.
I listen to Joyce Meyer every single day and one of the things she has taught me is that when her father sexually abused her, she was a Christian but a very ugly Christian for many many years. She states that Dave probably thought he was married to 20-30 women over the period of her life. She was smoking one cigarette after the other and leading a bible study at the same time when she began. God works with each person in their own time, and I do believe that this happened to let me know it is not okay to act like that. I am still far from perfect, but I am a work in progress.
Although I was rough around the edges, I have a very soft heart, otherwise I would not have allowed myself to be used by my husband for the last few months. He has painted a picture of me that was completely absurd. He doesn't see the sacrifices I made daily for him, fails to realize the sacrifices I still make for him while he runs around with his mistress, and continues to be the strong mother and father at the same time. I have made a home for him and my children, have always held a steady job, and have loved him the best way that I have known how. I am not sure what took place inside of him this past 6 months, but that is something that is and was out of my control. Had he have left me and decided that he was going to become a better version of himself, then I could have looked at all of this and said you are right, we were toxic. Instead he has been making poor decisions and has led a lifestyle of very destructive behavior, and at some point I had to separate myself and figure out it wasn't "we" that was toxic. I have not been lying, skipping out on my family or not caring about their feelings, emotions, whatever. I have stood here all along, trying to pick myself up and move forward the best way that I have known how.
I have already talked about the fight we had when I said "What kind of man" this was not the way for me to start a conversation, as I said I was coming at him very angry and that still doesn't make it right. I should have approached things differently but I did not.
There was a night that he picked me up from work and I said I didn't care about a conversation about captchas. I am taking full responsibility for that as well, it was said while I was waiting on food, and still was not meant the harsh, hurtful, crushing way that it was taken. There have been many fights when there have been really mean things said to me, but I never kept count. One or two things that really hurt me deep over the years, but nothing that was so devastatingly shocking that my psyche never recovered for goodness sake.
I will never be able to apologize for calling my husband or even my own children names for not sowing the seeds of life and sowing the seeds of death. I am trying desperately hard to be the person that God has called me to be, but when you have been one way your entire life that's a little hard to do.
I have gone over and over and over again the ways that I have hurt my husband over the years, but I wish I could go over the ways that he has hurt me. None of it matters anymore, I just wish that I would have been given the chance and the patience to fully turn things around to show him that I do hold myself accountable for speaking death. And still tonight when we had to have a conversation, no one can push me that quickly to a point like he can, especially after all of this...so the first word out of my mouth was listen, a~~hole. I am a work in progress, I have been cussed daily for 5 months, it's a sore spot right now, but it still doesn't make it right.
What I did wrong: Called names, fought ugly, wasn't supportive, said things that were hurtful (although some things I thought I could say to my partner comfortably in our own home)
What I did right: Never cheated, Never lied, was open and honest to a fault, tried to make a home for him, tried to take care of his children, his home, laughed with him, cried with him, supported him numerous times (6 w-2's last year alone) with many or without any jobs, put up with the lying, money problems even though it was told to me it was just to keep me happy. Put up with my mother in law and tried to love her through all of her phases.
I wasn't a perfect wife, but I will have the chance to be one again, and even then I still wont be perfect.
My beginning may have been rocky, but my finish will be amazing!!
I hold myself fully accountable for the mistakes I have made in my marriage. I grew up in an abusive home and I only learned one very sad, distorted love language. Yes, I could have changed it, but I did not know any other way to fight normally, or fight fair, no, I just knew how to go for the jugular. Its what I had seen and heard my entire life. I was called a whore at 13, since I didn't have sex until I was married at 21, imagine the horror I felt at being called the same name that my cousin was called after she had sex with several boys at the age of 16? I was also told that I was brought into the world and I could be taken out, while having my father's fist pulled back at me in my face. During the past 6 months, I have been told that I am using this as a excuse because I spent just as much time in a marriage with a man that I did with my family, and he tried to show me unconditional love. I am not using anything as a excuse, I fully accept that I have called every one including my children names and have thrown temper tantrums that have reached epic proportions. I was also allowed to act this way, and even when I would ask my husband "why and how can you love me" he would always say "because you are you, and I just do no matter what" My temper has waxed and waned over the years, and I am working every day to be better.
I listen to Joyce Meyer every single day and one of the things she has taught me is that when her father sexually abused her, she was a Christian but a very ugly Christian for many many years. She states that Dave probably thought he was married to 20-30 women over the period of her life. She was smoking one cigarette after the other and leading a bible study at the same time when she began. God works with each person in their own time, and I do believe that this happened to let me know it is not okay to act like that. I am still far from perfect, but I am a work in progress.
Although I was rough around the edges, I have a very soft heart, otherwise I would not have allowed myself to be used by my husband for the last few months. He has painted a picture of me that was completely absurd. He doesn't see the sacrifices I made daily for him, fails to realize the sacrifices I still make for him while he runs around with his mistress, and continues to be the strong mother and father at the same time. I have made a home for him and my children, have always held a steady job, and have loved him the best way that I have known how. I am not sure what took place inside of him this past 6 months, but that is something that is and was out of my control. Had he have left me and decided that he was going to become a better version of himself, then I could have looked at all of this and said you are right, we were toxic. Instead he has been making poor decisions and has led a lifestyle of very destructive behavior, and at some point I had to separate myself and figure out it wasn't "we" that was toxic. I have not been lying, skipping out on my family or not caring about their feelings, emotions, whatever. I have stood here all along, trying to pick myself up and move forward the best way that I have known how.
I have already talked about the fight we had when I said "What kind of man" this was not the way for me to start a conversation, as I said I was coming at him very angry and that still doesn't make it right. I should have approached things differently but I did not.
There was a night that he picked me up from work and I said I didn't care about a conversation about captchas. I am taking full responsibility for that as well, it was said while I was waiting on food, and still was not meant the harsh, hurtful, crushing way that it was taken. There have been many fights when there have been really mean things said to me, but I never kept count. One or two things that really hurt me deep over the years, but nothing that was so devastatingly shocking that my psyche never recovered for goodness sake.
I will never be able to apologize for calling my husband or even my own children names for not sowing the seeds of life and sowing the seeds of death. I am trying desperately hard to be the person that God has called me to be, but when you have been one way your entire life that's a little hard to do.
I have gone over and over and over again the ways that I have hurt my husband over the years, but I wish I could go over the ways that he has hurt me. None of it matters anymore, I just wish that I would have been given the chance and the patience to fully turn things around to show him that I do hold myself accountable for speaking death. And still tonight when we had to have a conversation, no one can push me that quickly to a point like he can, especially after all of this...so the first word out of my mouth was listen, a~~hole. I am a work in progress, I have been cussed daily for 5 months, it's a sore spot right now, but it still doesn't make it right.
What I did wrong: Called names, fought ugly, wasn't supportive, said things that were hurtful (although some things I thought I could say to my partner comfortably in our own home)
What I did right: Never cheated, Never lied, was open and honest to a fault, tried to make a home for him, tried to take care of his children, his home, laughed with him, cried with him, supported him numerous times (6 w-2's last year alone) with many or without any jobs, put up with the lying, money problems even though it was told to me it was just to keep me happy. Put up with my mother in law and tried to love her through all of her phases.
I wasn't a perfect wife, but I will have the chance to be one again, and even then I still wont be perfect.
My beginning may have been rocky, but my finish will be amazing!!
January
I entered January with the thought process that it was a new year, new me and that because he came and found me on NYE, that things would be different. They weren't. After his family left on Saturday morning, he dropped Lanie off and then didn't want to spend time with us. I found that to be extremely weird. I mean, after all if you wanted to spend time with your family you would make time. He told me he was just tired and was reveling in the peace of being without Lanie and his parents. I literally begged. He promised me he would come over the next day after church. I took that to mean that we would be going to church together and that he would come over and spend time afterwards. We were intimate via facetime that night and the next morning I woke up giddy. Still hoping for change. Instead he told me he was going to a church where there was a burning bowl ceremony that his "buddy" in Fort Walton had invited him to. I decided to google said church and then I went. They chanted, meditated, joined hands and sang let there be peace on earth. It was literally the weirdest thing I had ever experienced in my life. I left there and it had never been more clear in my life. He came over after his cult experience and told me that he didn't want to fight anymore. I explained that what I had just witnessed was not okay, and that I did not even know him anymore. That was the furthest thing from anything we had been taught, and it was not okay. He agreed, promised me he would never go again because that was weird.
Let me say that the mistress is a freak of nature, she posts things about the earth and stars being in alignment, and a lot of Buddhist crap on her facebook. He has even sat here several times and told me that he finds her to be very weird and bizarre. Per our conversation that I said I would post at a later time, she told me that her and my husband had spent hours on the phone reading the gnostic gospels and they were more like spiritual partners. Umm Okay? Again, someone else's husband that you have no business spending hours on the phone with about anything. Again what type of "woman" am I dealing with here? still laying her head down at night with zero remorse about anything that she has done, and really what kind of man am I married to as well? No remorse about any trouble that he has caused me or my children. One thing and one thing on his mind only and that is getting to her.
Tuesday, January 5th was mediation. I had spent the Sunday, even though God was clearly trying to remove this man from my life, talking him into not letting the mediation happen. I would have done anything just to be given another chance. Instead we had a horrible argument on the 4th, and on the 5th we went. I cant say anything except every other weekend it was.
Two things that made me take my husband back 12 years ago: The other female calling me and telling me that although he was very much a liar, and had told her we were through, while still sleeping with me, they had never so much as held hands or kissed. And also, he looked at me and told me he would never be an every other weekend dad.
Because of the abrupt way that he left, one month we were happy, one month we weren't, my older girls have hated him. They have wanted nothing to do with him, and the only way they have been able to cope is to block him on their phones. I have held them as their hearts broke, and have all but taken punches when their hearts broke. My shoulders are broad enough to handle the hurt, but it has been a very tough road. My 10 year old sees him every other weekend. My 14 and 17 year old just started leaving every weekend. The joy was gone from their home and their hearts. I couldn't be the mom I wanted because I was too busy dealing with my own emotions. This was probably one of our darkest times.
On Thursday, January 7th, I emailed about something, and never heard back. Later that night my 17 year old came in from work in full on meltdown mode. She heard a song and it reminded her of him. She tried to call and no answer. He finally called back, and lo and behold, 2 days after our mediation was final he was gone out of town again. Of course that night was horrible, and we didn't hear anything from him again until the following Thursday, January 14th, when I emailed to bring our 10 year olds back pack to her he said he would. I emailed again that night and asked if he had brought it to which he replied he was out of town. Suddenly he had all these friends that I have never heard of and they were taking him to dinner. He was gone through his birthday.
On January 16th, He came back into town, which is when he emailed and stated he would like to meet me for a drink. I already had plans that night because by no means was I going to put my life on hold any longer. I had waited almost 5 months at this point for a man to make his mind up and pick me and his children over her. The next day he found me at the restaurant I was at and we talked in the parking lot. By the end of the night, I was again in his arms, and bed. I left and he came over again around 0730 the next morning. He was then in my bed. We were intimate again on Tuesday over facetime, and then On Wednesday, I told him I hired a lawyer to modify our parenting agreement so that he would have to give me a 24 hour notice before leaving town so I could obtain childcare. All of a sudden we were into the obligatory "we don't work" conversation. By the next Tuesday he had went and talked to a lawyer as well. After he returned from the birthday week, he had told me his car had been broken down for over a week in NE Florida, as you know I ended up in his bed so part of me wanted to believe him. But again on January 26th, he left town again. This time confirmed by his mother that he was in Tampa, and didn't come back until today which is February 3rd.
On January 29th, I called my girlfriend in Tennessee. She has listened to me for countless hours through all of this and has truly been a God send. I knew since we had not heard from him since January 26th that he was gone again. (and I may or may not have still had him followed just so I knew for sure) I had spent the day before with my counselor who told me I needed to move forward. She told me that all of this would have been easier if he would have passed away, and that at the 6 month mark after a death, I was allowed to begin to move forward. She stated I had waited to see and waited to see and nothing had changed, that I could allow this pattern to continue, or I could love myself enough to make it stop. So as I said, I was on the phone with my girlfriend, and I just needed to have a good cry. My little one had already called and asked where's daddy after three days of no word. I had no idea what to tell her. So my girlfriend told me she had been praying and thinking about the situation earlier in the day, and the word came to her. She didn't know what it meant, but the word was autopilot. Autopilot. Why did God give her such a silly word? I mean for months, I have been not sleeping, not eating, and have been gas pedaling it into a Stage II lung cancer! I have been up all night trying to write down, dissect, figure things out, answer the Whys and hows. Why would God give me one more single word to try and figure out? And then she said "Maybe it means for you to go into autopilot mode, and just let God take over." and in that moment, I knew I had to love myself enough and my kids enough to stop the toxic pattern of behavior over my life.
That weekend, I allowed myself to find me again. I could no longer worry about the whats, whens, whys, or hows. I had to become the best person I could possibly be for my children and for me. I went out, had a great time, made new memories, got my nose pierced, and the next day, I got up and took my children to a new church. It was time for us to start getting back to our new normal, without a daddy here. It wasn't as easy at it had seemed, my 14 year old had a rough time on Friday and had continued to treat me cruel through Sunday. She was out of control. I almost picked her up and put her in the car and moved her back to Tennessee because I knew the one person who could still help me get my life back in order was my grandfather, George. Instead, I sat her down with my son and explained to her that although my shoulders are broad enough, sometimes moms need a little love too. We came to a understanding that day, and I believe we are on the up and up. My 17 year old is dealing with a lot of anger this week, but I am trying to help her work through it as well. I pray every day for God to convict my husbands mind and heart not for me anymore, but so he will begin to see my children's beauty and he will begin to be a better father to him. He was practically a stay at home dad before, and now he knows nothing about them, or what they are doing or what their grades are. He never calls, never shows up when they need him (MRSA and the backpack) and he has continued the pattern of not being able to trust or depend on him. It is my hope that one day he will see them for their worth, and quit chasing after the mistress whose worth was far more than rubies, obviously.
God is alive and he is the author of my story. I would like to go into more of what he has done and the people he has placed in my life through all of this. It truly is remarkable to see and hold true that what lies in front of me and my children is nothing but Beauty.
Let me say that the mistress is a freak of nature, she posts things about the earth and stars being in alignment, and a lot of Buddhist crap on her facebook. He has even sat here several times and told me that he finds her to be very weird and bizarre. Per our conversation that I said I would post at a later time, she told me that her and my husband had spent hours on the phone reading the gnostic gospels and they were more like spiritual partners. Umm Okay? Again, someone else's husband that you have no business spending hours on the phone with about anything. Again what type of "woman" am I dealing with here? still laying her head down at night with zero remorse about anything that she has done, and really what kind of man am I married to as well? No remorse about any trouble that he has caused me or my children. One thing and one thing on his mind only and that is getting to her.
Tuesday, January 5th was mediation. I had spent the Sunday, even though God was clearly trying to remove this man from my life, talking him into not letting the mediation happen. I would have done anything just to be given another chance. Instead we had a horrible argument on the 4th, and on the 5th we went. I cant say anything except every other weekend it was.
Two things that made me take my husband back 12 years ago: The other female calling me and telling me that although he was very much a liar, and had told her we were through, while still sleeping with me, they had never so much as held hands or kissed. And also, he looked at me and told me he would never be an every other weekend dad.
Because of the abrupt way that he left, one month we were happy, one month we weren't, my older girls have hated him. They have wanted nothing to do with him, and the only way they have been able to cope is to block him on their phones. I have held them as their hearts broke, and have all but taken punches when their hearts broke. My shoulders are broad enough to handle the hurt, but it has been a very tough road. My 10 year old sees him every other weekend. My 14 and 17 year old just started leaving every weekend. The joy was gone from their home and their hearts. I couldn't be the mom I wanted because I was too busy dealing with my own emotions. This was probably one of our darkest times.
On Thursday, January 7th, I emailed about something, and never heard back. Later that night my 17 year old came in from work in full on meltdown mode. She heard a song and it reminded her of him. She tried to call and no answer. He finally called back, and lo and behold, 2 days after our mediation was final he was gone out of town again. Of course that night was horrible, and we didn't hear anything from him again until the following Thursday, January 14th, when I emailed to bring our 10 year olds back pack to her he said he would. I emailed again that night and asked if he had brought it to which he replied he was out of town. Suddenly he had all these friends that I have never heard of and they were taking him to dinner. He was gone through his birthday.
On January 16th, He came back into town, which is when he emailed and stated he would like to meet me for a drink. I already had plans that night because by no means was I going to put my life on hold any longer. I had waited almost 5 months at this point for a man to make his mind up and pick me and his children over her. The next day he found me at the restaurant I was at and we talked in the parking lot. By the end of the night, I was again in his arms, and bed. I left and he came over again around 0730 the next morning. He was then in my bed. We were intimate again on Tuesday over facetime, and then On Wednesday, I told him I hired a lawyer to modify our parenting agreement so that he would have to give me a 24 hour notice before leaving town so I could obtain childcare. All of a sudden we were into the obligatory "we don't work" conversation. By the next Tuesday he had went and talked to a lawyer as well. After he returned from the birthday week, he had told me his car had been broken down for over a week in NE Florida, as you know I ended up in his bed so part of me wanted to believe him. But again on January 26th, he left town again. This time confirmed by his mother that he was in Tampa, and didn't come back until today which is February 3rd.
On January 29th, I called my girlfriend in Tennessee. She has listened to me for countless hours through all of this and has truly been a God send. I knew since we had not heard from him since January 26th that he was gone again. (and I may or may not have still had him followed just so I knew for sure) I had spent the day before with my counselor who told me I needed to move forward. She told me that all of this would have been easier if he would have passed away, and that at the 6 month mark after a death, I was allowed to begin to move forward. She stated I had waited to see and waited to see and nothing had changed, that I could allow this pattern to continue, or I could love myself enough to make it stop. So as I said, I was on the phone with my girlfriend, and I just needed to have a good cry. My little one had already called and asked where's daddy after three days of no word. I had no idea what to tell her. So my girlfriend told me she had been praying and thinking about the situation earlier in the day, and the word came to her. She didn't know what it meant, but the word was autopilot. Autopilot. Why did God give her such a silly word? I mean for months, I have been not sleeping, not eating, and have been gas pedaling it into a Stage II lung cancer! I have been up all night trying to write down, dissect, figure things out, answer the Whys and hows. Why would God give me one more single word to try and figure out? And then she said "Maybe it means for you to go into autopilot mode, and just let God take over." and in that moment, I knew I had to love myself enough and my kids enough to stop the toxic pattern of behavior over my life.
That weekend, I allowed myself to find me again. I could no longer worry about the whats, whens, whys, or hows. I had to become the best person I could possibly be for my children and for me. I went out, had a great time, made new memories, got my nose pierced, and the next day, I got up and took my children to a new church. It was time for us to start getting back to our new normal, without a daddy here. It wasn't as easy at it had seemed, my 14 year old had a rough time on Friday and had continued to treat me cruel through Sunday. She was out of control. I almost picked her up and put her in the car and moved her back to Tennessee because I knew the one person who could still help me get my life back in order was my grandfather, George. Instead, I sat her down with my son and explained to her that although my shoulders are broad enough, sometimes moms need a little love too. We came to a understanding that day, and I believe we are on the up and up. My 17 year old is dealing with a lot of anger this week, but I am trying to help her work through it as well. I pray every day for God to convict my husbands mind and heart not for me anymore, but so he will begin to see my children's beauty and he will begin to be a better father to him. He was practically a stay at home dad before, and now he knows nothing about them, or what they are doing or what their grades are. He never calls, never shows up when they need him (MRSA and the backpack) and he has continued the pattern of not being able to trust or depend on him. It is my hope that one day he will see them for their worth, and quit chasing after the mistress whose worth was far more than rubies, obviously.
God is alive and he is the author of my story. I would like to go into more of what he has done and the people he has placed in my life through all of this. It truly is remarkable to see and hold true that what lies in front of me and my children is nothing but Beauty.
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