My heart is full of joy and sadness at the same time.
So many mixed emotions came with this past weekend. It was my children's weekend with their dad, and in all honesty, when I drove to the gas station up the road that we meet at, I felt this would be the weekend that he finally stood them up. The 10 year old and 14 year old felt the same way, in fact I had to take them to the park and then to dinner so they wouldn't know that would be our final stop. When we arrived at the gas station, they caught on pretty quick and both adamantly told me they were not going with him and I couldn't make them. I honestly didn't think it would be a problem, because he wasn't going to show I thought. After all, we had called this week when we needed him, and were sent to voicemail over and over again. Hearts broken, over and over still almost 6 months later. This was the week that I figured he would finally make her the priority in his life, but thankfully I was wrong.
On 2/16, I had finally had enough and decided I couldn't carry the load for even one more second. I committed that day to praying for my husband and his mistress with and open and loving heart for at least 30 days. This was not for anything other than my own growth. Praying for Him, Lord, please open his eyes and let him see the wonderful blessings you have given him right here at home, and God if it isn't your will that he come back to us, at least make him a better dad to my kids. It was a full surrendering of my life to Christ that came along with it as well.
For Her: Oh wow, probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. That God would convict her heart, and her mind so that she would see that we were very much a happy family until she preyed on my husband, and that the weight of her actions would lie so heavily on her mind, that she just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know how to pray any further. But I said this prayer Morning and Night as well as daily prayers over my Husband from The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormi O'Martian, and Praying for your Husband from Head to Toe by Sharon Jaynes. More time was definitely spent in prayer for him, but still I prayed for them every day, twice a day.
He showed up on Friday, 2/19 at the gas station. When I got out of the car to tell him his children didn't want to go with him, he told me he was going to have me arrested for impeding his visitation with them. I told him to get them out of the car! I was by no means impeding relationships with his children in any way. He tried and they refused. Of course the conversation waxed and waned. He told me I was acting like I was on a episode of Jerry Springer because I kept getting up and standing on my tiptoes and speaking life at him. Sorry if I am over passionate about you being a good parent to your children, and putting us first over your girlfriend!! He claimed his phone went dead on Wednesday night, and that's why he couldn't speak to his girls. But my 14 year old sent a email at 9:20 and by 9:47 she had received a reply, sent from iPhone. He still claimed that he wasn't anywhere but traveling for work. I wanted so desperately once again to believe him, but I knew I had to guard my heart. At the end, I told him that not only did I know that I had hurt him during our marriage, but that there was a time when I would have done anything, to fix it, and would have spent the rest of my life making him happy. We drove away and he followed me home, but I had company so he left again.
I talked to my 10 year old because during the interaction at the gas station, he had presented her the phone he had been promising for many months. I told her he really did want her to spend the night with him, and asked would she reconsider. I never want to be told that I am the one impeding a relationship. I have chased my husband for 6 months, begging him to be the man and father that he was called to be for this family. I have lived first hand with a broken relationship with a father, and its the last thing I would ever want for my children. I have begged him to see our beauty and our worth. I have asked over and over, emailed begging, pleading, and crying on behalf of my family. It continued to fall on deaf ears. My 10 year old conceded, and I took her to his apartment. It was my way of extending a olive branch to him once again. We talked for about 30 minutes. I just wanted him so desperately to understand that we were nowhere near a divorce, and that I would have done anything to fix it. Maybe she remained on the phone in his pocket, I am unsure because he was on the phone when we arrived, but at the end he told me that he wanted to just be co parents and that I needed to try to do that. I looked at him and said "I just brought your daughter to you, I am trying and have been trying for months" and I walked away.
He called me later that night and thanked me for bringing her to him, I told him he was welcome. He had agreed earlier to talk with our children over dinner on Saturday or Sunday. I couldn't believe how my prayers were working! The conversation was short, but Saturday morning when I woke up for work I noticed that he had called twice again after I fell asleep. It's these phone calls that I will always wonder about. Was there something else that He wanted to say?
Saturday, he took our oldest car shopping. In the middle of the day he called my cell but didn't leave a message. When I text him, he told me that it went well, and thanked me repeatedly for talking with the kids the night before and trying to help him with their relationship. You are welcome, was my reply. The 10 year old didn't want to spend the night with him again and he didn't press the issue. On the way home from work, he called again and he just told me thank you I told him he was welcome. I have never wanted anything other than the father that my children used to have back in their lives. Once I got home, he called me again. Words that still needed to be said, I could feel it. We began talking and I just tried over and over to make this man see our beauty. God's treasures specifically created in this family that Satan was wanting so desperately to destroy. My gf was sitting beside me, the more life I spoke the angrier he got. When I got to Love bears ALL things, it endures ALL things he just kept saying Okay well, I'm not doing this, and we finally hung up. I just felt it my duty to continue telling my husband over and over that God doesn't want this for us, for any of us. Afterwards we texted, and right before bed I called him back. He had had some bourbon, and the conversation was going pretty decent. I asked him if he loved her, and the phone fell silent. My heart broke, but the conversation was also so freeing it was almost like the high I get after I run. I asked again. "Andy, Do you love her?" He replied, "I don't know." I remained completely calm as the one who took a vow with God and with me to love me for eternity, practically declared his possible love for someone else. I couldn't breathe, but God gave me the right words to say. In that moment, I told him not to risk everything he has here for someone who may potentially break his heart later. "I shouldn't care if you walk out in traffic and get hit by a truck at this point after all that you have done to us, but I do." I carefully chose my words hoping that just one of them would touch his heart. I continued talking and then when it was his turn he fell silent again. "I was your best friend for 18 years, just open your mouth and talk to me" he told me if he opened his mouth, that the conversation would turn inappropriate. "Not what I am talking about, but there again, I am your wife" We stayed on the phone until almost two a.m. talking like old friends and flirting with each other. "You hang up, no you hang up" I really thought prayers were being answered. Was he starting to finally see our beauty again?
Sunday 2/21, I got up and went to work. I heard nothing all day, but I knew we were meeting for dinner at 8pm. I was so excited and when I got there and we saw each other, it was like we were still together and best friends. I laid the ground rules and let each child begin to speak. My son went first, he cried and told him that everything this man has ever taught us was now a lie. He was angry, I cried to see my 19 year old grown son cry! But across from me was this man who just continued eating his salad with zero emotion on his face. No apology, no words said. Then it was the 14 year old, she told him how she felt and that he had used up his chances with her, when she needed him he wasn't there. Still, no emotion, just continuing to eat his salad. My 10 year old had nothing to say, and then it was my 17 year olds turn. My daughter who is bravely strong, fiercely independent, and so spunky you can't stand it sometimes, the one who had her own secret handshake with her dad that she did every single night before bed. She began telling him that she would now be talking to him like everything was a business proposition since that is the way he speaks to her. She showed very little emotion but talked about how he destroyed her family, how he destroyed her, how she has had to miss school because the grief was so severe that some days she couldn't get out of her bed. She poured her heart out and then followed up with "Now we want truthful answers" He agreed. Still no tears shed, no emotion on his face. "Are you in a relationship?" She asked "Yes" he replied. "Does she live in Tampa?" "Yes" he replied. "Is it Mellisa? " "Yes" he replied. In that moment, as I was broadsided in a public restaurant, as my children's hearts broke, there was no amount of Jesus that could hold me. My first thought, oh me and her are meeting tonight, to which he began telling me he was getting a restraining order..at this point we were in the parking lot. He then calmed me down enough that we went back inside to which he tried to tell my children, no relationship developed until just a few weeks ago. LIES!! All LIES!! I had caught him at her home now twice!! I got mad and walked out again, after tossing water into his face. I had enough. And once again, there are our poor children in a restaurant, with their lives shattered. I bet she slept good though.
We went back in and paid the bill and as the children walked out, standing one by one with tears rolling down their faces, still zero emotion, nor one tear shed. He tried to tell them he loved them. My oldest had called her boyfriend to come get her and my 14 year old. My 10 year old got in the car with me. My son just drove himself. Shock. Broken Hearts. One Man, One Woman destroying 5 lives. It was absurd. He followed me home, and we talked some more. All I wanted was answers. HE told me he would call me tomorrow. He made it home and called and asked if we could have a old fashioned Andy and Keyana talk, and I said yes. In that moment, I really felt God was working and this was it, so I went first and confessed my soul to him. He did actually cry at that moment, and told me he was so sorry, but then when it was his turn, he wouldn't answer a thing. "You don't get to know my actions anymore" This isn't quid pro quo" my heart broke again. I had fought for 6 months for our family, for us, and this was it. I ended up driving to his home, I laid my head on his chest and held his hand, and I cried, and cried, and cried. As I laid there, I envisioned him laying in the hospital about to draw his last breath. This. This is what it feels like to lose the love of your life. I thought about every good time we had, every baby we held, every breath he took, the good times, the bad times, it all flashed before my eyes. This. This is what it was like to say Goodbye. Hold me Jesus. I cried for almost two hours, and every time I would get up to leave he would tell me to stop. I wanted emotion, I wanted him to tell me I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen again. I stayed until almost 3. Heart Broken.
I woke up this morning and decided I would praise Him through this storm. I prayed for both of them again, and thanked God for the baby steps that were taken towards co-parenting. I love him, and always will, but right now, he can't see the beauty in me or in my children. God, please hold us in the upcoming weeks. Right now we are broken, but I know that you are perfect and you have a plan for us. Thank you, Jesus.
