This is a blog about accountability. It's a break from the monthly blogs that I have written today. I wrote all of these today because on Sunday, I went to a different church with a friend of mine and I joined a small group and recommitted my life to Christ. Last night was just introduction, but I knew that I needed to purge all of this so that I can A. Delete all the journals from my phone, and B. Start building this new life with me and my children on a clean slate. It has been so easy to purge it all throughout the day today, and I honestly feel like a new person. It's truly amazing what can happen when you hand it over to Him.
I hold myself fully accountable for the mistakes I have made in my marriage. I grew up in an abusive home and I only learned one very sad, distorted love language. Yes, I could have changed it, but I did not know any other way to fight normally, or fight fair, no, I just knew how to go for the jugular. Its what I had seen and heard my entire life. I was called a whore at 13, since I didn't have sex until I was married at 21, imagine the horror I felt at being called the same name that my cousin was called after she had sex with several boys at the age of 16? I was also told that I was brought into the world and I could be taken out, while having my father's fist pulled back at me in my face. During the past 6 months, I have been told that I am using this as a excuse because I spent just as much time in a marriage with a man that I did with my family, and he tried to show me unconditional love. I am not using anything as a excuse, I fully accept that I have called every one including my children names and have thrown temper tantrums that have reached epic proportions. I was also allowed to act this way, and even when I would ask my husband "why and how can you love me" he would always say "because you are you, and I just do no matter what" My temper has waxed and waned over the years, and I am working every day to be better.
I listen to Joyce Meyer every single day and one of the things she has taught me is that when her father sexually abused her, she was a Christian but a very ugly Christian for many many years. She states that Dave probably thought he was married to 20-30 women over the period of her life. She was smoking one cigarette after the other and leading a bible study at the same time when she began. God works with each person in their own time, and I do believe that this happened to let me know it is not okay to act like that. I am still far from perfect, but I am a work in progress.
Although I was rough around the edges, I have a very soft heart, otherwise I would not have allowed myself to be used by my husband for the last few months. He has painted a picture of me that was completely absurd. He doesn't see the sacrifices I made daily for him, fails to realize the sacrifices I still make for him while he runs around with his mistress, and continues to be the strong mother and father at the same time. I have made a home for him and my children, have always held a steady job, and have loved him the best way that I have known how. I am not sure what took place inside of him this past 6 months, but that is something that is and was out of my control. Had he have left me and decided that he was going to become a better version of himself, then I could have looked at all of this and said you are right, we were toxic. Instead he has been making poor decisions and has led a lifestyle of very destructive behavior, and at some point I had to separate myself and figure out it wasn't "we" that was toxic. I have not been lying, skipping out on my family or not caring about their feelings, emotions, whatever. I have stood here all along, trying to pick myself up and move forward the best way that I have known how.
I have already talked about the fight we had when I said "What kind of man" this was not the way for me to start a conversation, as I said I was coming at him very angry and that still doesn't make it right. I should have approached things differently but I did not.
There was a night that he picked me up from work and I said I didn't care about a conversation about captchas. I am taking full responsibility for that as well, it was said while I was waiting on food, and still was not meant the harsh, hurtful, crushing way that it was taken. There have been many fights when there have been really mean things said to me, but I never kept count. One or two things that really hurt me deep over the years, but nothing that was so devastatingly shocking that my psyche never recovered for goodness sake.
I will never be able to apologize for calling my husband or even my own children names for not sowing the seeds of life and sowing the seeds of death. I am trying desperately hard to be the person that God has called me to be, but when you have been one way your entire life that's a little hard to do.
I have gone over and over and over again the ways that I have hurt my husband over the years, but I wish I could go over the ways that he has hurt me. None of it matters anymore, I just wish that I would have been given the chance and the patience to fully turn things around to show him that I do hold myself accountable for speaking death. And still tonight when we had to have a conversation, no one can push me that quickly to a point like he can, especially after all of this...so the first word out of my mouth was listen, a~~hole. I am a work in progress, I have been cussed daily for 5 months, it's a sore spot right now, but it still doesn't make it right.
What I did wrong: Called names, fought ugly, wasn't supportive, said things that were hurtful (although some things I thought I could say to my partner comfortably in our own home)
What I did right: Never cheated, Never lied, was open and honest to a fault, tried to make a home for him, tried to take care of his children, his home, laughed with him, cried with him, supported him numerous times (6 w-2's last year alone) with many or without any jobs, put up with the lying, money problems even though it was told to me it was just to keep me happy. Put up with my mother in law and tried to love her through all of her phases.
I wasn't a perfect wife, but I will have the chance to be one again, and even then I still wont be perfect.
My beginning may have been rocky, but my finish will be amazing!!
