January

I entered January with the thought process that it was a new year, new me and that because he came and found me on NYE, that things would be different. They weren't. After his family left on Saturday morning, he dropped Lanie off and then didn't want to spend time with us. I found that to be extremely weird. I mean, after all if you wanted to spend time with your family you would make time. He told me he was just tired and was reveling in the peace of being without Lanie and his parents. I literally begged. He promised me he would come over the next day after church. I took that to mean that we would be going to church together and that he would come over and spend time afterwards. We were intimate via facetime that night and the next morning I woke up giddy. Still hoping for change. Instead he told me he was going to a church where there was a burning bowl ceremony that his "buddy" in Fort Walton had invited him to. I decided to google said church and then I went. They chanted, meditated, joined hands and sang let there be peace on earth. It was literally the weirdest thing I had ever experienced in my life. I left there and it had never been more clear in my life. He came over after his cult experience and told me that he didn't want to fight anymore. I explained that what I had just witnessed was not okay, and that I did not even know him anymore. That was the furthest thing from anything we had been taught, and it was not okay. He agreed, promised me he would never go again because that was weird.

Let me say that the mistress is a freak of nature, she posts things about the earth and stars being in alignment, and a lot of Buddhist crap on her facebook. He has even sat here several times and told me that he finds her to be very weird and bizarre. Per our conversation that I said I would post at a later time, she told me that her and my husband had spent hours on the phone reading the gnostic gospels and they were  more like spiritual partners. Umm Okay? Again, someone else's husband that you have no business spending hours on the phone with about anything. Again what type of "woman" am I dealing with here? still laying her head down at night with zero remorse about anything that she has done, and really what kind of man am I married to as well? No remorse about any trouble that he has caused me or my children. One thing and one thing on his mind only and that is getting to her.

Tuesday, January 5th was mediation. I had spent the Sunday, even though God was clearly trying to remove this man from my life, talking him into not letting the mediation happen. I would have done anything just to be given another chance. Instead we had a horrible argument on the 4th, and on the 5th we went. I cant say anything except every other weekend it was.

Two things that made me take my husband back 12 years ago: The other female calling me and telling me that although he was very much a liar, and had told her we were through, while still sleeping with me, they had never so much as held hands or kissed.  And also, he looked at me and told me he would never be an every other weekend dad.

Because of the abrupt way that he left, one month we were happy, one month we weren't, my older girls have hated him. They have wanted nothing to do with him, and the only way they have been able to cope is to block him on their phones. I have held them as their hearts broke, and have all but taken punches when their hearts broke. My shoulders are broad enough to handle the hurt, but it has been a very tough road. My 10 year old sees him every other weekend.  My 14 and 17 year old just started leaving every weekend. The joy was gone from their home and their hearts. I couldn't be the mom I wanted because I was too busy dealing with my own emotions. This was probably one of our darkest times.

On Thursday, January 7th, I emailed about something, and never heard back. Later that night my 17 year old came in from work in full on meltdown mode. She heard a song and it reminded her of him. She tried to call and no answer. He finally called back, and lo and behold, 2 days after our mediation was final he was gone out of town again. Of course that night was horrible, and we didn't hear anything from him again until the following Thursday, January 14th, when I emailed to bring our 10 year olds back pack to her he said he would. I emailed again that night and asked if he had brought it to which he replied he was out of town. Suddenly he had all these friends that I have never heard of and they were taking him to dinner. He was gone through his birthday.

On January 16th, He came back into town, which is when he emailed and stated he would like to meet me for a drink. I already had plans that night because by no means was I going to put my life on hold any longer. I had waited almost 5 months at this point for a man to make his mind up and pick me and his children over her. The next day he found me at the restaurant I was at and we talked in the parking lot. By the end of the night, I was again in his arms, and bed. I left and he came over again around 0730 the next morning. He was then in my bed. We were intimate again on Tuesday over facetime, and then On Wednesday, I told him I hired a lawyer to modify our parenting agreement so that he would have to give me a 24 hour notice before leaving town so I could obtain childcare. All of a sudden we were into the obligatory "we don't work" conversation. By the next Tuesday he had went and talked to a lawyer as well. After he returned from the birthday week, he had told me his car had been broken down for over a week in NE Florida, as you know I ended up in his bed so part of me wanted to believe him. But again on January 26th, he left town again. This time confirmed by his mother that he was in Tampa, and didn't come back until today which is February 3rd.

On January 29th, I called my girlfriend in Tennessee. She has listened to me for countless hours through all of this and has truly been a God send. I knew since we had not heard from him since January 26th that he was gone again. (and I may or may not have still had him followed just so I knew for sure) I had spent the day before with my counselor who told me I needed to move forward. She told me that all of this would have been easier if he would have passed away, and that at the 6 month mark after a death, I was allowed to begin to move forward. She stated I had waited to see and waited to see and nothing had changed, that I could allow this pattern to continue, or I could love myself enough to make it stop. So as I said, I was on the phone with my girlfriend, and I just needed to have a good cry. My little one had already called and asked where's daddy after three days of no word. I had no idea what to tell her. So my girlfriend told me she had been praying and thinking about the situation earlier in the day, and the word came to her. She didn't know  what it meant, but the word was autopilot. Autopilot. Why did God give her such a silly word? I mean for months, I have been not sleeping, not eating, and have been gas pedaling it into a Stage II lung cancer! I have been up all night trying to write down, dissect, figure things out, answer the Whys and hows. Why would God give me one more single word to try and figure out? And then she said "Maybe it means for you to go into autopilot mode, and just let God take over." and in that moment, I knew I had to love myself enough and my kids enough to stop the toxic pattern of behavior over my life.

That weekend, I allowed myself to find me again. I could no longer worry about the whats, whens, whys, or hows. I had to become the best person I could possibly be for my children and for me. I went out, had a great time, made new memories, got my nose pierced, and the next day, I got up and took my children to a new church. It was time for us to start getting back to our new normal, without a daddy here. It wasn't as easy at it had seemed, my 14 year old had a rough time on Friday and had continued to treat me cruel through Sunday. She was out of control. I almost picked her up and put her in the car and moved her back to Tennessee because I knew the one person who could still help me get my life back in order was my grandfather, George. Instead, I sat her down with my son and explained to her that although my shoulders are broad enough, sometimes moms need a little love too. We came to a understanding that day, and I believe we are on the up and up. My 17 year old is dealing with a lot of anger this week, but I am trying to help her work through it as well. I pray every day for God to convict my husbands mind and heart not for me anymore, but so he will begin to see my children's beauty and he will begin to be a better father to him. He was practically a stay at home dad before, and now he knows nothing about them, or what they are doing or what their grades are. He never calls, never shows up when they need him (MRSA and the backpack) and he has continued the pattern of not being able to trust or depend on him. It is my hope that one day he will see them for their worth, and quit chasing after the mistress whose worth was far more than rubies, obviously.

God is alive and he is the author of my story. I would like to go into more of what he has done and the people he has placed in my life through all of this. It truly is remarkable to see and hold true that what lies in front of me and my children is nothing but Beauty.