This weekend was so busy for me! I ended up picking up extra on Friday because I wasn't due to start my new job until Monday, and I needed the extra money. By the grace of God, I managed to pull 60 hours in a row, and still was able to go to dinner on Friday night and Saturday night and enjoy some adult time.
Yesterday, while at work with the babies, I received news that there had been a mass shooting at a nightclub in Orlando. We were having a pretty busy day, so we heard about the tragedy and kept moving. I wasn't able to gather all of the details until I got off at 8, and my heart broke.
320 people went to Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando for a night, where they were mowed down by a gunman who pledged his allegiance to ISIS. 49 people are dead, and many others injured. Not only was it a ISIS crime, but a hate crime, making the whole thing even worse.
49. 49 innocent people walked into a nightclub on Saturday night to have a good time with friends. Every one of them traveling down a different path in their lives, some just looking for fun, but some looking I am sure for the love of their life, maybe they had just been through a breakup, or a severe depression, maybe they were drug there by friends and they really didn't want to go. Maybe they were dealing with a health battle, or some other type of emotional battle. And 49 people didn't walk out.
I can't help but to think about the friends and loved ones of each of these amazing lives. These were someone's brother, sister, daughter, son, aunt, uncle, someone's best friend, lover, someone's person, and those people will never get to see, hear, feel, or touch them again. Utter Sadness. The shock and horror, the entire community affected. Not one person could not be affected. The more that I read the more sad and angry I become, because there are actually people on the internet showing utter hate because it was a GAY nightclub, and that makes me sick.
I have taken care of a man that has been in love with his partner for 26 years, and he was on his death bed, but due to our legislature at the time, the partner was not allowed to make end of life decisions, and the family that the man had not talked to in over 12 years due to his sexual preference, was allowed to come into that room and make those crucial decisions. It was one of the saddest things I have ever witnessed as a nurse, and since that time, there has been no room for anything but love in my heart for the LGBT community. In fact, the older I get, the more I realize that Love is Love, no matter the gender, God Loves us all, Red and Yellow, Black and White, Gay and Muslim, We are all God's children.
My heart is broken for the community, the country, and our world, and it really showed me that the bigger picture is right before my eyes. My children and I have been put through the wringer, and although my husband is essentially dead to us, I take some comfort knowing that if I really wanted to, I could call, write, or even run by and see him, hear him, and maybe even touch him once again. The sadness of it all is that things are so on edge with him, I can't do it without being cussed, or being raged at, but in lieu of the above events, I am thankful that it is still a option. I am in constant prayer for the families where it is no longer.
I wonder if my husband even thought about the bigger picture when he heard these things on Saturday or Sunday? I wonder if he realized that at this time in his life, he has lost the number one things that 49 families want back so desperately. Life is so short, and its too short to not say the words that you mean to your loved ones every single day. I lost my father to a massive heart attack and had not spoke to him in over 2 years, that was common for he and I, and no matter what kind of a vile man he was, I wanted that time with him back. He was my daddy.
I sit here day in and day out with 4 amazing children, every day is a milestone, they have their own personalities, and are lights in this world. I constantly try to encourage a relationship with their dad, and it makes me incredibly sad that they won't consider it any longer. I asked them again tonight if they would consider seeing him, or letting him come by, or doing something for him for Father's Day, and received another resounding NO, and was told he wasn't welcome here anymore. I have spent the entire weekend in prayer for him, after Friday, I sent the emails to my junk folder. He didn't try to come see my kids, but he was online on his dating apps looking for that, and that makes me sad.
The Bigger Picture: Our entire country, and everyone in it needs Jesus. He is the only hope in this weary world, and in Revelation it clearly states that these are the end times. I have made sooooo many mistakes, but God has forgiven me, and will continue to renew my heart and my mind in the upcoming days. He doesn't fix people overnight, in fact, He fixes them like a slow cooker. He prunes off every bad bud and leaf of bad to renew us and make us whole again. I am praying first and foremost for that pruning for my husband and family, but also for this country. Love is Love. God is Love. I'm not where I need to be but Thank God I'm not where I used to be.
Thank You, Jesus for your unfailing love, and for dying on the cross for every one of our sins. We aren't worthy, but I remain humbled.
