The past week was pretty tumultuous.
Day in and day out emails, constant upset while trying to work.
All I kept hearing was how he wanted to see his children.
All I kept explaining was that I had been chasing him for months because I knew it was going to get to the point where they would have NOTHING to do with him, and I could feel them pulling further and further away.
On Thursday, I finally called him and had a conversation with him that ended up with me getting cussed. I had to step away from the unit because it hurt me so bad to be talked to like that and the moment I did, my pastor texted me and asked if I could call. I did, and it was a game changer.
Tim is the pastor of Momentum Church, and I had never more than shook hands with him on Sunday morning and listened to him preach. Thursday, however he became my friend. I explained my wrongdoing, and gave him a background of what was going on. In that moment, he said something that made so much sense. He told me that in the bible it tells us that what comes across the lips is an abundance of what is in one's heart. So the pain, guilt, and anger that was being heaped on me was because that was actually what my husband was feeling. That was the first time that I had it described to me that way. Then, he prayed with me. He prayed that the spirit of anger, lust, fear, etc would be broken from my husband. He prayed over me and my children. I felt a complete peace wash over me like never before. I was able to go back to work and finish up my day.
On Saturday, the girls and I had a day out. The 10 year old made me breakfast in bed to celebrate Father's Day, and then they took me to see Finding Dory. That morning, I received a rewards card in the mail that I forgot I was supposed to even get, so even though they used their allowance money, I still took them to get a few items of clothing. I figured if I started shopping now, a little at a time that the school year wouldn't be such a shock. We went to eat at TGI Fridays and my oldest and her friend showed up and surprised me. It was such a great time. At the end, we stopped by Target and I encouraged them to get him a Father's Day card. The oldest two rolled their eyes and walked off, the little one picked out a card, one that said something about beer because she knew he would like that. On the way home, I asked her if she wanted to take him the card, (as he had told me he would be there all weekend) and she eventually caved, but of course when we arrived he wasn't there. I just dropped him a email and said forget it, I couldn't take the emotional drama anymore, when you don't do what you are going to say you will do in the first place. He finally answered at 11pm and we had a conversation on the phone. He keeps blaming me for keeping them from him, I take them to him and he isn't there! The conversation was "so now I'm just supposed to sit at home all the time so you can stop by" type thing. No, but when you aggravate someone to death and say you want to see your children, and that you will be home all weekend, and then we try to see you and you aren't, how is that okay? It ended with me asking him how he thought we felt as it was the first Father's Day without him. He accused me of berating him by asking that question so we hung up. I wrote him a email and invited him to church the next morning.
The next morning, I made every child get up and go to church. He wasn't there. I had a email that said "You know where I will be this weekend" when the service began, so I just emailed him back and said all of your children are here at church. He showed up about 30 minutes in. I felt so overjoyed! My little one was about to come out of her chair! I just knew that God was working and what I had to do. At the end, Pastor Tim said if your father is alive and breathing, then you have to start forgiving him for whatever he has done to you. My little 14 year old just started sobbing. I began sobbing, the whole row was sobbing, but still nothing from him. At the end, he asked the girls if they wanted to go eat with him and they all said no. He shot me a look of disgust and hate at me like I am somehow to blame. I ended up waiting for the lady I was supposed to meet, and my girls went ahead before me. When I got in the car, I told them we would all be going to eat with their father. They were very upset, and resisted but I explained that he IS their father, and the only way to show God's love is to be the hands and feet. We went to the restaurant and when I walked in, more hate and disgust looks shot at me. We all walked up and ordered behind he and my son, and then I paid. I was determined not to let him spend His Father's day upset the way I had to spend my Mother's Day. We had a enjoyable time at lunch but no real questions asked about my children. What have they been doing this Summer, who have they been staying with etc. I was still undaunted to be defeated. A elderly couple was getting up to leave, and I did what I always do and went and held the door for them. The kids later told me that he sighed heavily under his breath because I did that.
I will never understand.
He told me thank you via email for the Father's Day love and I told him I loved him. We went back and forth a couple of times and then I spent the rest of the day with my girls. The following day, I explained that with my son leaving and moving back to Tennessee, I would need some help finding the little one a Summer Camp program and asked if we could talk that night. He responded with yes, but within a couple of emails, he wanted to know if his mom could take the little one back to Tennessee. I am still praying over his mom, I have done nothing but be nice to them, even when we were home in February, I made sure that my children stopped in to see them and that the little one spent the night. What did that get me? Back stabbed. So you see, it's still something that is not a good subject with me. I explained that to him in the email to which he responded that he understood my position. I wish he would have just waited to call or talk to me face to face, and I told him that email had no tone and I wasn't sure how to take the emails that went back and forth before the one about the position. He was due to get his results from his mental evaluation that day, and I stated I hoped he had a good day at his appointment. That made him mad, he quickly informed me it wasn't a appointment, he was just getting the results.
I haven't heard from him since.
Yesterday was our 19 year wedding anniversary and nothing, not even a thank you for all of the years that we did have together. It's a little disheartening, but I just figure he isn't in the place that I am in. I am happy, joyful, and have indescribable peace. I want that for him. I still struggle with the mom thing, but overall, I can't be touched.
Everyone at work has been asking me what I have done differently, some have asked me if I am dating someone. The answer is no, the fact is I said a prayer and gave this battle to God several weeks ago, and when I did, something inside of me changed. So when I say, Joy, Peace, and Happiness, it's not a joke and it exudes out of every pore.
The blessings that have been reigned on me since the time that I have said that prayer have been abundant, so that to me is God's way of showing me what faithfulness will do. I still come under attack daily, but the blessings far outweigh the junk, and that is my way of knowing that I am indeed doing something right. I continue to pray for him daily, but I can no longer worry about what is going on, because as I have said before, its definitely something inside him. God is too busy showing me and my children the path that we need to take to be made whole again, so we will continue to take it.
