December was full of angst, One of my favorite times of the year, it should have been a time when we were all smiles, happy and joyful. Instead, On Thursday 12/3, I called to see if he could meet me at the doctors office to pay for the co-pay for our oldest doctor visit and medications, and lo and behold he was out of town in "Tallahassee" again. I forgot to mention the last time we had been at a doctors office together, was in November before he was to go sign the lease at his new apartment. My oldest and I both begged him not to do it, and he said "Okay let me go talk to them and see what I can do" when we called after we left the doctor's office, he was moving his stuff in. This was our new life. We couldn't trust a word he was saying or a thought he was thinking. So back to 12/3 he was now on a business trip again, and he couldn't help us with the bill. It was apparent he no longer cared. He had skipped his Thanksgiving with his children because they wanted to stay with me, came home and went out of town again. This weekend when he came back from town, he informed me he was dog sitting for a friend of his in "Tallahassee" I wanted to believe him, but I knew he never took care of our own dogs, so that was pretty far fetched. He had no cares in the world, no cares in the world except for keeping her happy.
The next week, I called on Thursday to talk to him about the weekend coming up events. This was after he had been here for dinner on Tuesday and then went home and called me and told me that he had a great night. He recommended that I read The Alchemist, and so I did. I called to talk to him about the weekends events on my way home from work. He told me he was in Panama City, on his way home and that he felt like he was coming down with the flu. I asked him to stay on the phone with me until he got home. He said he was on I-10 and would be home in a little bit. I told him it sent me into a panic whenever he went out of town and that I needed a reason to trust him. After all, we go out of town and then make up and that gives us all hope. All of a sudden, he began crying and stated that he thought he had the flu and that he was sick. I truly believed that it was true! But then, he began screaming that he no longer wanted to talk to me and that if I called him back he would not speak to me again until Jan. 5th, which was our mediation. I found that to be odd, but once again had been shamed into my little hole and hung up. I later sent my son to his house with soup for him, and lo and behold he was not home. I called his mom crying, this was me reaching out to her and trying to get a lifeline here. Maybe someone that could talk some sense into him. Nope, instead she made excuses for his behavior the entire time. She called me the next morning at 0600 and told me he was home but had run out to buy medicine. I went to his house and once again, he was nowhere to be found. That was the weekend that he missed both of his daughters birthdays, our little ones Christmas chorus concert, and our oldest in the Christmas parade. At that point his relationship with her had taken on a entire new level because it now interfered with my children. I had had it! I blocked him from my phone, and was done. Or was I?
On Sunday, he sent me a email and asked that I call him. The mistress had told him that the night before my oldest child had inboxed her on facebook. He stated he was probably going to lose his job to which I replied I was sorry but that was no longer my problem. I in turn blocked him again.
On Monday, he drove over to my house and told me how sorry he was and then made several sexual references so guess where we ended up again? Right back at square one. That was Monday, December 15th. He came back that afternoon and looked at our oldest daughter and told her that he loved me and wanted to work it out with me, but in two days, he would have to travel out of town again. He claimed that this was the reason he had been going on all of the previous business trips. He had a job interview in Orlando that he was going to and that was going to be the answer to several of our prayers. So we trusted him again, except I had already hired the PI to follow him. So he takes off and goes to the interview and then calls me after. He's acting like we are best friends and tells me all about it. I listen intently. I come in and tell my son that I feel like we were best friends again, and I was hopeful that he not only got the job, but that things were turning around. I got dressed and went to my daughters chorus concert.
It was there that I got the call that he was being followed to Tampa, I cried throughout the entire concert. He ended up at her home in Palm Harbor, Fl. I did not want to believe it to be true. By the time the concert was over, I was a mess, my son and I were deciding which one of us should go and which one should stay. One of us was going to go and one stay with the kids, but before we could decide that we got another call that he was leaving. He was only there around 2 hours. On the way back, he called me. He told me he had been at the bar with his potential new boss. He was almost in a state of mania as his new boss had given him two Tennessee t-shirts, and a half drank bottle of Willie Nelson's whiskey. He told me of conversations they had had, detailed conversations about what they had talked about. Then he suddenly stopped and asked me if I had him followed. My reply was yes. Then it began "Baby, Baby, Baby I know what this looks like but its not. I will drive 6 hours back to you right now to show you that I haven't been with her, I promise we had become very good friends, and a strong friendship had formed so all I went over there for was to take her a Christmas gift" WHOA. A Christmas Gift? and why did she have one before his wife or children had one? That should have been a huge red flag!! But, I still BELIEVED him!! He drove all night back to me. And the next day he had to fly to Tampa again but this time he stayed on facetime with me all night at the hotel. Talk about accountability! I was so excited that one of my prayers was finally being answered. We even were intimate over facetime. The next day I fully expected a call saying he couldn't get a flight home but he did. He flew home to me and we spent the weekend together. Not that it wasn't rocky, I still didn't have a fully committed man lying beside me in bed. And everything took precedence over us. He had given the mistress a gift, he was shopping for his girlfriend in Tennessee a gift, and it was the day we were supposed to be shopping for the kids, and so things were a little touch and go. I mean what happened to the accountability from the week before? On December 22nd, he came home for 4 days. (I would later find out during this time he took the girls for a walk and told them he would try, but if he couldn't make it work would it be okay if he left, they told him yes and the next day he was gone) but for the four days he was here, my children were back to being happy. He was a good father, and was walking Savannah to the bathroom and staying with her when she was sick. We were intimate over and over. But as soon as Christmas was over, he was back to acting funny. He was on a phone call on Monday, Dec 28th and I asked who it was, he said it was his aunt. I asked for a screenshot and he flipped out. His parents came on Tuesday that week, which always made things worse.
We talked back and forth during that week but I could tell it was either her or his mother that was heavily influencing him. He had been talking about coming over for NYE all week and then suddenly on NYE, he decided he wasn't going to. I had bought lingerie and everything I could think of to try and make it special for him, but here I was once again getting stood up by the same man that I had kissed for the past 18 years. We went back and forth all night and I still begged him to find me at midnight. Well it was 10 after, but he did come find me at midnight, came and got me, kissed me and then we went back to my house and had a quickie. He went back to his apartment. I remember feeling isolated and lonely, and much like a prostitute again, but I still wanted to believe that he loved me, loved this family, and wanted to make it work. I was fighting a losing battle, he was in love with her.
My question now is: Why did I not love myself to see that I didn't deserve this? And my poor kids, I pulled them along on the emotional roller coaster with me. They all wanted him home so desperately that we fought and fought for it.
Yet, here she sat, lying her head down at night with no resentment, no anger, no remorse. Allowing herself to be used just as much as I was, but also coming between a man and his family. I even inboxed her on facebook, to which I will publish later our conversation in which she has vehemently denied ever meeting my husband, and two days later he was in her driveway. One liar deserves another, and in this case if a relationship is built on lies and deception, I can promise you it will end on lies and deception.
Through this rollercoaster, I still couldn't see my worth. I couldn't see my beauty, I couldn't see that God had bigger and better things for me. I was too busy thinking that I was being punished by him for being the wife I wasn't to realize that it wasn't God that was doing this, because the God I serve would have never punished my children this way. What you must understand is that when he was gone, there would be no contact with my kids whatsoever, and when he was here, and in good graces with me there would be. That was never God's plan for our lives.
In the words of my friend, This may have been part of our story, but it wont be the way our story ends.
