Forces Unite

As if my life weren't hectic enough, last night after staying up until almost 1:30 catching up my blog, and purging all of my thoughts, I had just dozed off to sleep when my 14 year old came in crying. She stated she had a nightmare about her daddy and wanted me to call him urgently. I told her to come in and lie down, but then in the doorway of my room was my son's friend who had been staying with us since our lives had taken this unfortunate turn. I asked what happened and to my horror I was told that this 19 year old man had entered my daughter's room and hid at the end of her bed, and touched her feet.

I. WAS. LIVID. 

My first response was to get my son up and tell him what was going on, My second response was to tell this man to get the hell out of my house, in fact as far from it as he could while I processed what had just happened, my daughter was beside herself because naturally she was startled awake by a man hiding at the end of her bed. After I told him he needed to leave, I called my husband and told him to come immediately. He did. 

For the first time in a long time, we were able to put our own feelings aside and handle this fiasco. Once again, another man that I had put trust in, and that had given me no reason to not trust him, had broken my trust. He had been hanging with my son day in and day out for about a year before our situation happened, and the thought process was to let him stay and begin to pay rent to prepare him and my son for moving out on their own in June of this year. He moved in In October, and was the model roommate. Paid rent on time, helped around the house. Never gave any of us a single reason not to trust him. Somewhere along the lines, those boundaries were crossed. 

My husband came over and laid down with me and my daughter once we collected the information to the story, and helped me comfort her until she fell asleep. Around 4:30 a.m. he left and went home. I woke up and got the kids ready for school, and drove the 14 year old and dropped her off. Due to little sleep, I woke up with a migraine and had to come back and lie in bed with a ice pack on my head for several hours. At 11:00 he showed back up to ensure that I was not alone when the man came back to retrieve his things from my house. 

I can not tell you how comforting it was to have him here. He ended up going back to work and then coming back later this afternoon when the young man finally showed up. His father came to pick him up and the situation was handled to say the least. Once again we laid on the bed while debriefing with the kids, and we talked with them and then he was able to leave. 

During this time, I received a call from a lady from NAMI, (National Alliance On Mental Illness) I had reached out to them to ask about a support group for Bipolar Disorder and families of loved ones with BPD. I explained all of the events over the past 9 months, and she spent almost 40 minutes explaining to me how much this sounded like a true Bipolar Episode with even some cycling, and told me my next steps were to get into the support group and go from there. Prior to her calling, he had told me that there was a good chance he was fixing to lose his job. I explained to her that it was like this all the time and that we had a divorce hearing rapidly approaching, She gave me steps and coping skills to put into place to be more stable for my children. 

I then came back into the house, we were able to handle the rest of this situation and he left. It was nice to see him back in tune with me, but due to the stressful situation he was full of anger and rage. I expected that though because I was full of it as well. I still remain hopeful for a miracle in our marriage, but I was thankful that he was there for me and there for my kids for the first time since he had left the last time.

God was definitely in this situation today. A man did not lose his life, and for that I'm thankful. I'm also thankful for him answering part of my prayer and beginning to be here for the children. He had a appointment again this evening, and said he would call us again tonight. I'm thankful that he stepped up to the plate, even though he told me several times that "This is what co-parenting should be" Yes, I'm completely aware, but when you can't stop raging long enough to even communicate with your wife, then that's not a environment conducive to being able to co-parent. Today, I'm rejoicing in the fact that my children are safe and happy and that prayers are being answered one day at a time.

May

When I left off, I had talked to him on the phone pretty much until May 4th. I told him I needed more help with the kids when I was working 12 hour shifts. The goal was for him to bring the kids dinner the next day. Since the 27th of April, with his last abrupt leave, my girls had very little to do with him. It wasn't as if he was trying too terribly hard, as I said he was the number one thing on his mind. That was evidenced by Thursday, May 5th. He told me he had been out to buy my Mother's Day gift that day, and then stated he would be taking them dinner, so they would be fed. He was also going to take our 14 year old to softball practice. I went ahead and made plans to have dinner with a friend after work for Cinco De Mayo. Imagine my surprise when my 17 year old called me in a tizzy stating "He's left town again, mom" I asked her what she meant and she stated that he had left my other daughter at softball and took off out of town. The entire pattern of behavior had began again.
Before calling me, they had tried to call him where their calls were either blocked or denied and sent to voicemail. They were beside themselves. I finally get a hold of him, (after I paid for my dinner, and left) to which he told me he was coming to apologize to both me and my oldest daughter. He claimed he had been at a dinner meeting for yet his 3rd job of 2016, but he then showed up at my house in a Jimi Hendryx t-shirt and plaid shorts. My daughter asked him if he had gone to the business meeting in that, to which he replied "Yes, it was just casual" visibly upset, she left the room and left the gifts that he gave her there on the chair. He did not offer me any apology. Just told me it was no longer any of my business what he does in his time and left. He claimed he would see me on Sunday for Mother's Day. Again, I am thankful for his now ex girlfriend, because of course I texted her first thinking he was gone to her. She was busy with family but told me absolutely not!

With that, it all began again. Getting the 10 year old only when he has to get her, and not hearing from him any other time. Last Thursday, he had taken the 14 year old on spur of the moment notice to the orthodontist for me, and picked the 10 year old up from chorus. He did not prepare them dinner, or make sure they had dinner, but I was still thankful for the help and told him so via e-mail. That night, I got off work because I knew he was making a deposit of child support that day. Or my bank account had $4.29 in it and I had 1/4 of a tank to get home and no way to pick up dinner for the kids. Because he has been so hostile with me, I was no longer accepting calls, and we communicated via email only. So I emailed to ask if he had made a deposit and......Crickets. No answer all the way back from the 40 minute drive in which I stopped by his house just to see if he could float me a $20 to get through until he could make a deposit.

Shocking, he wasn't home. In fact, he was with someone else, even though he denied it. By the time I made it home, the kids were asleep with no dinner. Still, no empathy, no remorse, even though I had told him on Tuesday how short I was on money. No anything but emails stating he would deposit the next day. I then tried to call him from my daughters phone, and he just sat there, stating he had not been with anyone else and blah. blah. blah. This was the third week that we had gone through the same pattern of behavior, and so at this point I gave up. The next morning, I drove over to his house and tried to communicate with him face to face, but he was being so hateful to me that it was impossible and so I drove to the courthouse to file the rest of my paperwork. I finally got him to call me and I sat on the phone crying, begging, and pleading for him not to make me do this but he was adamant. 40 minutes later, with tears streaming down my face, I walked into the courthouse to file the remaining paperwork and....

The System Was Down.

The system was down from the storm, and at that point there was nothing I could do. I emailed him and let him know that this was God's way of not wanting our marriage to be broken. His reply was "Or it's just a storm" He talked to me some more, that afternoon and our conversation about our marriage ending was heavy, but then I noticed he was whistling. No Empathy, No Remorse. I begged him not to go be with anybody else and to consider what all we had talked about that day and his response was "You vastly overestimate me, Geez" but that night, he was seen by a friend of mine from work out with another woman. When I called him on Saturday morning, he had again blocked my number, and when I finally got a hold of him, He did tell me that he was with her, but that she was just a friend. I was sad, but went into self preservation mode. No more could I take being treated this way. It wasn't fair.

It also wasn't fair to my kids, whom as of today (Tuesday) had not heard from him since last Thursday. My 14 year old called him 8 times in a row on Saturday, and even though I sent him a copy of the call log, he states he only missed one call. They try to reach out to him, and he either doesn't answer, sends them to voicemail, or can't help get them to where they need to be, yet after his weekend of fun he comes around to trying to talk to them again. He doesn't understand that the lies that he isn't with someone else, coupled with the fact that last week when he was actually with the 14 year old, he spent the entire time sitting on his phone claiming he was emailing me, and that ignoring the calls only sets them back. It sets them back and then when he is ready to get his toys off the shelf and play with them, they aren't interested. THIS BEHAVIOR INFURIATES ME. As their mother, I am totally invested. In fact, A few weeks ago I met a great guy, but then decided that two wrongs don't make a right, so I didn't pursue it. I feel that the most important thing right now is working on me, and devoting all of my time and attention to them since he is no longer able. So although I was flagged down, with the kids in the car, on the way home from the beach this week, and would have loved to have gotten to know that person better, throughout the next few weeks/months I'm going to focus on being the best mom/dad to them that I can because obviously right now he isn't capable of doing such.

Today, I ran across a ultramatch on my Plenty of Fish account. Back when I thought there was no hope for he and I, I set it up and began looking around my area to eventually meet someone. I logged on today and there in my ultramatch was none other than my husbands account. His religion: New age, He's a free thinker, wants more kids, only smokes on occasion, does not do drugs, and drinks socially. Many things stuck out to me here. One, we were a ultramatch. Two, He wants more children? He has FOUR that he's struggling with now!!!!! Three, He smokes around 2 ppd, drinks daily, and smokes marijuana. Once again, starting his life out a lie. I called him from my little one's phone and asked him what he meant he wanted more children. He stated he did not. I asked him if had plans to leave his family and start a new one with someone else, to which he replied no. Then he began being ugly to me again. When we hung up, he called back and asked to talk to our 10 year old. She did not want to talk to him, which was then blamed on me. He then said he would see me Friday at 6 to which I explained that she does not want to go with him because last time his house was infested with bugs. He continued to blame this on me, and told me that I wasn't helping foster a relationship. I explained that I had helped him and told her the bugs were gone, but of course I had not. It was like talking in a riddle. He will now be showing up on Friday to pick her up with a sheriff. I don't understand what he wants me to do, he has told me anytime before that she didn't want to stay that he wouldn't press the issue. He has hardly ever taken his full time with her always bringing her home early or by a couple of hours or even a day. I am not going to force her to go because I was forced to go to my dad's and I had resentment about that. It's going to be a uphill climb to say the least.

About that anger with God, after going to a couple of church services and realizing that I had to let things go, I finally did. It was then that I realized that God is going to handle this entire situation in his own time. I can choose to remain angry and bitter, but the only person I am hurting is myself. What kind of mother would I be if I was full of anger and resentment? That's not setting a good example! God loves me enough to forgive every sin in my life, even when I can't forgive myself. His Grace and Mercy is new every day. Since all of this began, I have prayed that If God wasn't going to give me my husband back, that he would build a man that is perfect for us, and I have to trust that He is in the process of doing just that. Meanwhile, lots of bonding time happening around here. The girls and I have been cooking and baking, and getting into a new routine of not depending on him, but depending on each other. My 10 year old is grabbing her bible and reading it to me now, and the other girls are still going to church every week. Prayers are being answered every single day, even though I don't deserve them to be. So you see, I'm the only Jesus that my kids and other people around me are going to see right now, and I want Him to one day take my hand and say Well done, my good and faithful servant. Until then, I have faith that everything will work out in His timing, and that Love will prevail.

April

Exactly one month ago today, on April 24th, my marriage ended. Some could say it ended the day he left in September, But I never gave up fighting for him, for me, for our family, until April 24th. And really even then, I talked with him on the phone until April 27th begging him to reconsider.

After Easter weekend began the month of pure hell on earth. He finally calmed down around the 1st or 2nd of April and came around that the fight we had was pretty stupid on both of our parts, and he came back for about 5-7 days. While he was here, he was in tune, and was great with the kids. On Monday, April 11th, I saw a guy that had met me back in February, and told me he had seen me at the gym. I thought it was a pickup line and blew it off. Until that day I never gave it another thought, instead he walked up to me at the gym, and asked if I remembered him. I tweeted to my girlfriends that he was real, and that it was awkward. I came home and he was packing his things again, and leaving me. He screamed that I was bragging on social media, and that it was disrespectful to him, so of course I immediately removed my tweet. I was just tweeting to them that it made me feel awkward, but seeing it from his point of view helped. This time, I didn't run after him, I didn't call and yell and I gave him space. Instead he called me, called me horrible names (it begins with a c) and talked horribly to me. The next day was our counseling appointment.

The prior two weeks of counseling had been completely worthless. I tried to hold in my stuff until we could get there with a mediator, and that just made things worse. The counselor herself even said that I was sending a message and for some reason, he was no longer receiving it. In fact the entire past two sessions, he had spent telling his side, and then I would interject, and try to tell my side, which was interrupting, always, and then he would end up talking over me until the point that I felt like between the counselor and him, I couldn't get a word in edge wise. I would then either continue to get upset. or shut down completely. The day of the 12th, he launched into the tweet thing and how furious it had made him, (and even she agreed that it really was not something that should have been so dramatic that he felt the need to pick up and leave) but he just kept on until finally, I began crying and then shut down. At that time, Our counselor just focused the entire rest of the session on him and told him that after working with my children, and with me, that she felt like he could be bipolar. She explained that her daughter was bipolar, and what would it hurt for him to go have a mental evaluation, and just tell the doctor that he wants to make sure that  his brain is firing on all cylinders. He agreed to do that to her, but of course when we left, this was all my fault and I had convinced the counselor that something was wrong with him.

Lets pause here for a second. Over the past several months of this bizarre and peculiar behavior, I have tried, as a medical professional, to figure out how a man, (and not just any man) could go from being head over heels in love with his wife to being head over heels in love with someone else, how the same man could begin drinking and using marijuana on a daily basis, how a man that loved me so much could talk to me with so much disgust and hate in his voice that it was like talking to a complete stranger, how the man was now lining up his fork and knife symmetrically and perfectly aligned at the dinner table, (and spending ample time to do this, always looking to see if I'm going to acknowledge him doing it) but most of all, how a man that was a loving and swiftly devoted father, could go for days, and weeks without seeing his kids. At first, I blamed it on the medications. They added Metformin and Lipitor to his already in place dose of Wellbutrin. We know that Metformin is known to accumulate in the liver, and sometimes decrease the effectiveness of certain medications. So at first, especially since it was exactly 10 days from taking it, it had to be that, right? In the back of my mind too, when I have wives bring their husbands in to the ER with odd and peculiar behavior that came out of nowhere, there has also been the possibility of a stroke or maybe a brain tumor. Maybe that was it! I was reaching because this wasn't just about the lies, and the lies to her, the children and me, it wasn't just about an affair, it was about his entire being changing in a matter of days right before my eyes. All the while screaming nothing was wrong, and that he was "Just sick of my shit" I had also ran across the interesting article that talked about a midlife crisis.

http://www.wikihow.com/Identify-a-Male-Midlife-Crisis-%28For-Women%29

That was it! It had to be it!!
First: The emotional changes, he had just come off from a year of not having a job, and had decided to reinvent himself as a man.
Second, His temper. His temper was absolutely positively out of control and he would rage at me one minute and leave town and block our numbers, but then he would come back into town, smooth things over, have sex with me again, and then rage again.
Third: Detachment, oh he had detached all right, from everything and everyone that he had once worked so hard for and everything he was proud of.
Fourth: He never thought about his mortality, in fact he was seemingly acting invincible
Fifth: His religious beliefs. His father is a Baptist preacher, He himself has had a calling on his life, his entire life, yet now, he considered himself to be a part of the New Thought movement and had told me once while meditating that "we were all just mini gods" which is so far fetched from the man that would sit and quote things right out of the bible. I learned more from him at times than I did from the bible itself!
Sixth: Changes in his appearance, once he was diagnosed with diabetes, he began running and only eating protein bars and water dropping 110 lbs in 10 weeks. It has taken me a year to lose 102 lbs, so that was not exactly safe!
Seventh: He obsessed over his appearance and then began buying new clothes.
Eighth: He began exhibiting reckless behavior, including but not limited to walking up to anyone anywhere and asking them if he knew where to get some weed. He also began drinking bourbon heavily, and smoking weed daily.
Ninth: He changed jobs.
Tenth: He began seeking extra sexual attention from me, and quite obviously from her
I could continue going, but as you can see everything that the article above talked about described his behavior perfectly to a T. It had to be a midlife crisis.

Bipolar Disorder was something else.

Over the course of April, he would come back, and leave, come back and leave much like he did through the 9 months before. He left me over the tweet, he left me because our 14 year old was having a bad night and blurted out "I hate this family" And then, on April 24th, just one day after coming clean with every detail about the affair, he left me because I had too much wine and shared something about my sex life with my cousins. My cousins who know everything there is to know about me, and me about them. In fact, he waited until we got home, kept me up until 3 am telling me how disrespectful and rude it was. Came to bed, had sex with me, got up the next morning and without saying a word, he left. I tried to give him his space, tried not to call him that weekend. Continued hanging out with my family and friends, and then on Monday, when he had let it go on for another three days, I finally lost my stuff. Still even as angry as I was, I tried to talk to him talk some sense into him, tried to make him see what we were worth, and he would not. I explained that moving back in together would have been the best thing for us, but that it requires digging your heels in working through the problems as they arise. He wasn't hearing it. I even had my Christian mentor from work call and talk with us over the phone at which time he made some sense, and when we got off the phone he asked me to stay and watch some TV and I thought maybe we were headed in the right direction. However, the next day he was back to raging again, and it was no use. I tried to talk to him over the phone and in person clear through the first week of May, but he was adamant.

And still my anger with God grew and festered. I couldn't take all of this behavior, my life felt so out of control. And my kids? Well how do you think any of this was benefiting them? If he was here, obviously because I hold him to a certain standard, he was  a great dad, but let him get away from here, and the #1 thing on his mind was him. I continued praying, and reading my bible although not as frequent as I had been before he came back. I also began working a TON on self-forgiveness, but I was still a volcano waiting to erupt with anger. Not towards him, not towards her, but towards God. How was He watching this unfold? How was He letting me go through this persecution and not stopping it? It would be at least another month before I would get that answer to my question. Thankfully, God already knew it was coming.

March

It has been quite some time since I have been able to update the blog. My life has been a crazy roller coaster of emotions, and the kids have pretty much been running the show. As if I didn't have enough on my plate, my son brought home a pit bull puppy mix. First of all, we have two miniature dachshunds. Second, I had already said no time and again (after losing my oldest doxie, Libby last year) but he still took it upon himself, while my husband and I traveled to Orlando for his business trip, to bring the puppy home and...

The damn thing ate my computer charger.

I don't know if you realize what it's like to wait for him to replace said computer charger, and wait, and wait...and today, May 24th, I finally received the charger in the mail and wait for it...

It was the wrong charger for my computer.

I, in turn, had to go to Wal-Mart and buy a computer charger until he can get the money for the wrong one back. Just a day in my life. :)

So back to the story. On March 21st, I traveled with him to Orlando for business. I did know that he had asked that the girlfriend not come to the hotel, or that we would be scheming anything together that would interrupt his business dinner (or that's how I understood it at least) but she and I had already formed a bond outside of him, and as weird and crazy as it may sound, I wanted to meet her. I wanted to know the person that had spent the last 6 months of her life with my husband. I wanted to know what he told her about me, and I wanted to meet this person that had been there for me through all of this craziness and drama. We were sort of in this situation together. I dropped him off at the business dinner and drove about 40 minutes away to meet her.

So much healing took place with that meeting. First of all, She was great. And I know that it sounds crazy, and as I have said before it had to be a God thing because sitting across from each other was probably one of the hardest things that either one of us had ever had to do. I could go on and on about the woman, but I will just leave it at it was the best move I ever made. It showed me that the relationship was built on more lies than what we had originally discussed, and her and I both deserved better. After the meeting, I drove back to get him. When I was honest and told him we had met, he was completely furious. He and I had probably one of the biggest fights we had ever had until he held my wrist and made me thumbprint into my phone. He was raging out of control and when I finally did what he asked me to do, he called her and cussed her and told her to stay away from his family. He then continued to scream at me and told me we were over. He screamed and raged so loud that I finally thought I would leave, call her because I knew no one else, and stay and come back and get him tomorrow. Instead when I tried to get in the car and drive away, he ran after my car slung open the door and told me he would take my children away from me for good. I was scared. I came back up to the room and we went to sleep, but at 6 a.m. he was ready to go. When we got home we were over for good.

I had no idea that I was not to ever meet the woman. On the way back home, we passed her exit and he asked if I wanted to go see "my new bestie" at that time I said she was probably at the hospital, but yes I would not mind going to see her. When I text her, she said we should all meet for breakfast. So as crazy as that sounds, that's exactly what we did. For the first time, she was able to see the man that I had been talking about. Horrible tone, horrible the way he spoke to both me and her, she would try to calm him, and there was no calm. Eventually, he did finally calm down, listen to some reason, and I thought we all walked away on a good note.

The drive back home was amazing. He was so in love with me, couldn't wait to share the rest of our lives together, etc etc. It was the first time that he had talked with and shared everything with me in months. I finally felt like healing could begin. We came back home and made love time and again, but a couple of days after being back, my girlfriend arrived from Tennessee to spend the weekend with me. She has stayed with me multiple times both when he was living here, and now when he wasn't. This trip had been planned since before I knew anything would be happening between us. There was a ton of times that I left her in the kitchen, or in the garage to go in the bedroom with him, and the first night that she was there, her, I, and my local girlfriend was sitting in the garage, he came out there and kept calling me over and saying naughty things in my ear, and wanting me to come back into the bedroom with him. I kept going with it, after all I was so happy to have him back.

The next day, she and I spent the day together doing girly stuff,  and enjoying the time. He acted completely normal like nothing was bothering him, and then that night I spent making love to him. On Saturday, she had wanted to go back to the club that we had gone to in February for our birthdays. He never told me he didn't want me to go and we didn't until 10 p.m. that night. I had told him that since this was planned before he was back, I didn't want him to feel compelled to stay. He told me he didn't mind and would stay with the kids, but the moment that I got to the club, he was texting me that my daughter had said "well my dad doesn't live here anymore and he can't tell me what to do" so he was going to go home. I had had a couple of drinks, so of course I was dumbfounded. At first, I tried to answer him kindly and say I'm sorry she said that, I will talk to her tomorrow, I'm sorry that you feel like you want to go home. But his favorite thing to do when he is good and angry is to reply with one word. Yup. And that's when you know you have made him mad. So, for the rest of the night, I was text fighting him back and forth aside from the two pictures that I took with two gentleman who were traveling to the area or were from the area that his girlfriend lived in. I sent them to her because I was actually talking to the gentleman about my friend that lived in Tampa, but you know, I did everything wrong.

Yes, I know it was in poor judgment to go to the club, but had he have let me know anytime before I left, I wouldn't have gone. Yes, I wanted my marriage to work, but I also had a single friend who had met a gentleman the last time she was there and she was eager to go back and see him again. This had been planned way before he and I were ever trying to work things out. Yes, I took pictures with the new gentleman and the guy sitting next to him who was talking about the Tampa area with him that was interested in my friend, but by no means, no way, no how, did I do anything to try and jeopardize or sabotage my marriage. I couldn't. I was fully captivated by the texting fight we were having. After we made it back home, I dropped off my friends and then headed over to his house where once again he raged at me until almost 6 a.m. The next day was Easter.

I came home that morning, and made baskets, the most pitiful baskets ever, and placed them on the fireplace. I cried and cried and cried and then took my girlfriend to get her car. He came over and I tried to make him understand that I knew what I did wrong, and apologized over and over, but he wasn't hearing it. He came out for a few minutes and talked with my family as they arrived, and then the left. He said he was going home to take a nap, instead he texted me all day back and forth telling me it was over. He made me completely miserable. At one point my cousin's husband even threatened to take my phone away because he was blowing it up. I kept begging him to just come back and enjoy Easter, but he would not.

Looking back at the toxicity now, I can see what a horrible position I was in. Since when had I let ANYONE put their hand around my wrist and hold it until I had a bruise to "thumbprint in"? this was not me and not the person I had ever been. I was so broken that I let him treat me however and just kept begging. If this were my daughter in this situation, I would have known exactly what to say and do to make her to want to get out. This was a complete train wreck. He wanted to work it out with me, or he was just looking for the next wrong move so he could get out again. As the next month played out, you will see the pattern and see that it was ALL me. It was all me who did everything wrong. I finally had to learn when to say enough.

During this time, I can not explain the anger I had with God. I couldn't understand why before he came back, and before all of this unfolded, that I was with my kids day in and day out and they were hurting. Somewhere in my mind, I was able to reason out that I was not the best wife and that this was probably my punishment for the times that I got angry with him, but the kids? Why was God letting this happen to my kids? Then, when he was saying that he wanted to come back, my kids would let so much of their anger go, they would let him come back in, and they really would try to be better, because he had told me and them too that they were part of the reason that he left. When he was here, and wasn't in the bedroom with me, he was more involved, and they were so much happier. That was my ultimate goal, that we could unite and come out of this whole thing stronger. Instead, we were on a sinking ship, and where was God? Why wasn't he answering my prayers and hearing my cries? During this time, I let my husband take me down the slippery slope with him, and even made several questionable decisions myself. Anger. It fueled my day from the moment I woke up, until the moment I laid my head down at night. Thankfully, God could handle it.

Battles

I realize I haven't updated in almost a month, and there's a reason. The number one reason is because I don't even know what to say, think, or even feel anymore. I go through a broad range of emotions daily that generally began with thankfulness and gratitude, and end with anger and bitterness. I am angry for the way this situation has continued to play out, and I am very angry with God. I am thankful that He can handle the anger, but as I said it changes on a daily basis. I try and take each day one day at a time, and I'm still trying to rebuild with my husband, but most days I feel pretty defeated, and that's where the anger comes in.


Where I left off, lets see...I believe it was with a  heartfelt apology to the girlfriend. All of that still remains true, and isn't one-sided. It's bizarre and weird, but somehow we connected, and I have received many apologies from her as well. So on 2/24 I received a text that she would step aside for my girls. I wasn't expecting it, but I truly appreciated the thoughtfulness of it. On 2/25 I stopped by his apartment on the way home to discuss the car insurance for our daughter and the purchase of the car. I was shocked when I was told that he wanted to give us 60 days to see if we could work. He still wanted me to go on my trip, but wanted to see if we could work. We ended up together that night, but the next morning, I was getting ready for the trip and he showed up and stated that he wanted to go out of town with me instead. Of course I wanted to go with my husband and rekindle our flame! This was after he asked me to thumbprint into my phone so he could read the messages between Mark and I. I did, because I had nothing to hide. I never even gave a explanation to my friend Mark, we spent Friday buying my daughter a car and delivering it, and then drove off into the sunset to spend a weekend at the casino. We had what I thought to be an amazing time, and came back on Sunday night.


On Tuesday, March 1st, I went over to check and see why he was no longer texting me, as we had been texting all night. When I arrived, he was stumbling drunk and considerably high. I finally talked him into lying down in bed, because I knew if he fell, I would not be able to get him up. He finally consented, when he laid down, he fell into the deepest sleep, and I was scared to leave him. I continued to lay there and then I read the text, from MAP that read "testing". I woke him up and asked if this was from her, he vehemently denied. I went to leave and he followed me and stopped me. He swore he had not talked with her, had not emailed her, had not talked with her on the phone, yet here was a text with her initials, mind you, that read testing. So I decided to man up and text her. She went on to explain that she had sent the text because he had sent emails all day proclaiming his love for her. she then forwarded the emails, and as I stared at my drunken husband sleeping upright in the chair, my heart broke.


I am thankful for her once again, because not only was this situation coming undone for me, in his living room (alone) it was coming undone for her (alone) but together, we had each other. We talked until almost 3 a.m., at which time, my husband walked into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and peed in it. I started yelling at that time and told him he needed help, he told me he would check into rehab the next morning. Instead, we all know he got sober, and refused the help, as they always do, but it didn't stop what happened next. The next morning, her and I took turns, and three way called him, I heard him tell her that he had to stay drunk and high to be able to tolerate me the weekend before. Just lie after lie, and to me he told me we were never getting back together, then began the barrage of emails that both her and I sent giving him a piece of our minds, and the bond that continued to form after that. So follow me here, I was now holding her broken heart, his broken heart, and she was holding my broken heart, because he didn't care. This went on for a couple of days until all of us were mentally and physically exhausted. 


On 3/4 he asked if he could take me to dinner with him and my 10 year old. I told him I couldn't be friends with him right now, and no. He told me it would be fun. Remember, he had just given himself back to me the weekend before as we laughed, and joked and had a blast at the casino, also, he held me. He held me every night as we fell asleep, something I had not had in over 6 months. I had asked him to come hold me after all of the drama unfolded on 3/1 and he wouldn't. So after I finally agreed to dinner, I asked him if he would come hold me after. He wouldn't budge. He wanted me to come there, but I couldn't I had to work the next day. We texted off and on Saturday, after I got back late from date night, and then on Sunday, 3/6 he asked me to stop back by so we could just spend time together as friends. We did, but we suddenly became friends with benefits. I mean how are you supposed to be just friends with your husband? That doesn't even make sense! 


For the next weeks, leading up until today 3/19, we have spent just about every night together, either I there, or him at the house with me. So why am I angry? Well, because no matter what, my life with my husband has been forever altered. There's no more innocence, no more bliss, there's not much telling me I'm beautiful, or interest shown in my job. It's a lot of one sided handholding with me always reaching for his, no gentle touch, no telling me what I so desperately need to hear right now unless we are in bed together. I'm sacrificing who I am, I'm compromising my beliefs, and yet I still keep reaching out to grab that hand thinking that eventually one touch will make him see ME again, and fall back in love with ME. I'm not sure how people recover from infidelity, but let me tell you how I am trying to recover from it. Every single time I am romantic with him, in the back of my mind, I hear you weren't good enough, you will never be good enough, and every time he's looking into my eyes, it's more like he's looking past them and searching to see her. If you call that recovery, then so be it. 


I forgot to mention that last week he took me on a special date to 30A, somewhere that I begged to take him last Summer. we had a great day, but on the way home he mentioned that he had been with her there, and my heart broke pretty much all over again. Thursday night, 3/17 I actually stopped by his house on the way home from work and he was drunk and high and had been on the phone with my pastor. I wasn't quite sure what to think, because surely God wasn't going to minister to him or me (I had three beers before arriving) during that moment. He was listening to Just as I am by Brantley Gilbert and had been sobbing. I remember praying again for him that night, and thinking that something inside of him was being changed. He ended up coming back with me, to the house and staying the weekend. I love him being there, and I will continue to love and cherish each moment that I have with him, because I think I know that these moments may not last.


And it isn't as if he isn't trying, Lord knows he is. Its just a matter of trying to fall back in love with your wife after something like this has happened, or when your mind may be somewhere else obviously isn't the easiest thing to do. We have had a amazing two weeks, but there is still a ton of stuff to work through. This morning, he got up and fixed my coffee before work, I am so leery of that because its one of the things that he mentioned I took for granted, so then he decided to drive me to work, which I told him he did not have to do. He didn't want to be without a car, so I offered to drop him by the house and let him get his car. Before I made it to work, he said "Well things are almost back to "normal" I asked what he meant. He said "Well, last night I wanted sex and you fell asleep, today I wanted sex and you didn't want to, I fixed your coffee, and we drove to work in silence" (I'm not a morning person and have subluxation of my left shoulder right now) I reminded him that this was a isolated event. a one time thing, but still it hurt me. I just want to be number one again. God, please hear my prayer. 


I wish I could go back and erase the past 8 months of our lives. I don't like being treated like I'm second, or having conversations about their time together, (it was as if 6 months erased the 18 years we had together before) and I know that I'm sacrificing daily, and probably beating a dead horse, but my children are different people when they have their daddy there and to me that's worth it. Not to mention the love I have for this man. He will never ever see it, but everyone including the girlfriend does. Of course that was one of our biggest problems, everyone around knew I thought the sun rose and set in him, but he didn't and I guess never will. I will continue to pray for complete healing, and a change of heart, but I'm not so sure those prayers are even being heard, and well..I'm tired. I am tired, I am weary, and I am heartbroken. I still believe that God is a God of miracles and I stand firm on that, but everything has changed, and everything is different, and it would take a miracle at this point to make me believe wholeheartedly again.

Closure

In a strange turn of events, I finally received the closure that both the kids and I needed to move forward. On Monday, I had a conversation with my husband letting him know what days softball practice would be and making sure that he would keep the kids for the weekend so that I could finally get a break and take a mini vacation to Key West. He informed me that he had already cleared it with my 19 year old, and that he would be gone for the weekend. I explained that there is no way that he could be gone, if I am 12 hours away, and he is 6 hours away and one of the kids needed one of us in an emergency, that would not work. He was adamant that he would be going out of town. I had finally had enough. I told him that I have asked for one weekend away in 6 months, actually this was the second weekend I had asked for. I asked that he stay in town and keep the kids for my birthday weekend because I had a friend coming in town from Tennessee and we had plans. He told me that weekend that he could not, he was going out of town for business, and was not sure yet where he would be. Convenient that he was going out of town for Valentines weekend, but I digress. In the court documents, we are supposed to offer the parent first right of refusal for child care, and I just needed a break for goodness sake! He did not budge. Finally, I told him it was not okay that everything was coming before his kids, that I was tired of being done this way, I was tired of the kids being done this way, and that I was texting his girlfriend. I hung up, tapped out the text and hit send. I honestly thought I was blocked, from the first time we had communicated.

The next morning, I received a text back asking for a email address to send communication. We went back and forth, and then she just asked if she could call me. I told her sure, I feel like formal communication was best anyway. She ended up getting stuck at the office and I finally texted and asked if she could call yet. At first, the text I received was telling me that she loved him and that I was trying to hurt him and basically she remained undaunted. I knew he had gotten to her and filled her with lies. We texted back and forth and were making no progress, in fact things were escalating. I finally explained to her that I have nothing to gain by lying to her, and my children have nothing to gain by me lying to her. Everything she had read in this blog was a timeline of events taken straight from my journal that I kept on my phone and placed into this blog. I told her she could talk to the kids, they would tell her first hand that we had lived it. I guess he had given her their numbers, and she called Sam thinking it was Savannah. Sam called her back. The calmest kid I have, hates confrontation but went in his room and shut the door to talk. About that time, I could here Savannah screaming at the top of her lungs inside the house, I went running in and found her sliding down the wall as she screamed bloody murder at her dad who was on the phone. I will never understand why we had to endure this. I calmly took the phone from Sam and said, "It's Keyana can you see what you both are doing to my children?"

On the other end of the line was a calm, soft spoken woman who explained that she wasn't the one doing this. Not at all what I expected. I was waiting for confrontation, and probably a few bad words. I had been praying all day, however, that God would give me the right things to say and to remain completely calm, but in talking with her, the conversation came easily. I reviewed with her the different timeline of events, the bizarre behavior, and as I sat there and listened, she revealed to me that she was not the "mistress" that I thought after all. She explained that a close relationship had developed and that he had indeed spent weekends with her, but denied that a sexual relationship had taken place. I find it very hard to believe that two consenting adults would not have a sexual relationship when spending weekends together, but what did she gain from lying? And I just had to trust that having a conversation with me was showing me a little something about her character.

As we went on to talk, it was clearly evident that my husband had painted quite the picture for her. From my understanding, there were several lies and a lot of manipulating that was going on in both directions. She was being manipulated and lied to about interactions and things with his kids, and I was being manipulated and lied to about it all. Suddenly I realized that the woman I have accused time and again for having zero moral character, actually had some morals after all. It became clear that he was pursuing her pretty heavily, and although it hurt to hear, its the closure that I needed. I know that it takes two to tango, and I realize you are probably sitting here thinking WHAT? How can you sit and have a conversation with a woman that was involved with your husband in some type of affair, but the only answer I can give is Jesus. I asked she just step aside and  leave him alone, no calls, no texts, no handwritten letters, nothing. Don't give him the option to come to your house, then he has to stay here and he has to be a better parent, and if our marriage fell back into place, then so be it. It was a last ditch plea to make her see that we have a family, a history, a marriage that was worth it, and even if she had no clue that she was the third party, she was indeed the third party.

At the end of the conversation, and trust there were some laughs and everything shared, I saw that this "mistress" as I had called her before was not the person responsible for destroying our marriage, in fact I think she was not clued in very well at all. Just like I had been broadsided at the restaurant, I think she was broadsided by all of this, because this was heavy, heavy stuff. I ended the conversation by just asking her to consider stepping aside to see where things went. She thanked me and we hung up.

First and foremost, I would like to apologize because when I am wrong, I say I am wrong. After talking with her, I found out that he had not been traveling to see her as far back as October, he was just being untruthful and secretive, and not only was it unfair to his children and myself but it was a bit unfair to her too. I have this blog, and as you can see I have been writing and blaming much of this on her as well as him. For that I am truly sorry. I believe that everything happened for a reason, and that God placed this person and conversation in my life for a reason. There is so much I want to say but just know that I do forgive you, Mellisa and I ask that you forgive me too for anything written here that caused you to think that these were lies or that I was trying to hurt you or him. It's merely part of my story, my story that I am going to use to reach out to other women who have been through a similar circumstance, and you were a part of it. I see you for your courage to even get on the phone and hear my story, but most of all for listening to my children and hearing and respecting them.

The next phone call I got was from him. He told me that that he effing hated me over and over. He asked why I would ruin this for him? He told me that he was now going to be at my house on Friday morning to ruin my life. He screamed and I tried to explain that I did not have personal vendetta against him, that we just needed answers! We have sat here for months, and have made very little progress because every time he comes back to town, and we see glimpses of the man that we once new and loved, we have a glimmer of hope and we start back at square one. He ended by calling me a effing b and said I just needed to vent. I hung up. He called again twice and I texted and said when you can speak to me rationally, I will answer and I did. He told me he was traveling for work, but that he was very angry. I told him I understood, but we have been in misery for months! The second conversation was better minus the cussing.

At 7:30 this morning, I received a text from her that stated I could tell my girls that she had decided to step aside. I explained that I kind of figured from the phone call I got, and explained that he was traveling for work. She then texted back and told me that he was not traveling for work, he drove to her and walked in the door at her house, unbeknownst to her and she lost it. They spoke for an hour and she kicked him out. The thing that hurt me the most was that his children's lives had been shattered again last night, and he ran to her. Not to them, not to me, but 6 hours away to her. It was obvious that was the most important thing to him right now. As the morning went on, I received a call from him and I called back. He told me he was sorry for how he had been hurting me, sorry for the way he had been hurting the kids, and he just wanted to be a better parent for the kids, heal them, be best friends with me again and move forward. It was not a good talk on my behalf because her and I had been texting and I knew that he had just lied to me again. And the apology, though I want it to be sincere, seemed like everything she had said her wishes were for us, the night before he hung up the phone. He told me that we were never getting back together. I asked him why? Why then did he chase me throughout the weekend, ending with us in bed? He had no answer, which infuriated me even more. Later, I did tell him I was very angry but am trying very hard to react to him differently. I reached out and told him that we have a vow together and vowed to raise our children together. We never wanted them to be from a divorced home, I begged him to look into his soul and to try to see that he is fixing to lose 5 very precious things. It fell on deaf ears.

I had let myself slip. On Saturday night he had begged me until almost 2 am to come over and sleep with him, I remained strong, and told him no. He had to choose me or her, he couldn't keep having both. Not to mention, I had to be up at 5 for work. He was unrelenting until I finally had to hang up. On Sunday, when I went to say goodbye, he was holding me, and I slipped. I forgot to keep loving myself enough to not let it happen again. When he was standing there holding me, he began to kiss my neck and that was the end. I left around three with him still begging me to stop and stay.

Throughout the day, some type of relationship developed between her and I. She was easy to talk to and we texted and shared some laughs. I now have a respect for the woman that I one had none for, and I think she has some respect for me. There is only one person who can author that story and his name is God. This continues to be a story of Good winning, because several times throughout these months, I could have made that 6 hour drive and Evil would have won and my life could be forever decidedly different. I continue to remain thankful for how far He has brought me through all of this, and I am proud for how far He has brought her too. Now the toughest part begins. Praying for my husband to find Jesus again. I am going to have my work cutout for me.

Baby Steps

My heart is full of joy and sadness at the same time.
So many mixed emotions came with this past weekend. It was my children's weekend with their dad, and in all honesty, when I drove to the gas station up the road that we meet at, I felt this would be the weekend that he finally stood them up. The 10 year old and 14 year old felt the same way, in fact I had to take them to the park and then to dinner so they wouldn't know that would be our final stop. When we arrived at the gas station, they caught on pretty quick and both adamantly told me they were not going with him and I couldn't make them. I honestly didn't think it would be a problem, because he wasn't going to show I thought.  After all, we had called this week when we needed him, and were sent to voicemail over and over again. Hearts broken, over and over still almost 6 months later.  This was the week that I figured he would finally make her the priority in his life, but thankfully I was wrong.

On 2/16, I had finally had enough and decided I couldn't carry the load for even one more second. I committed that day to praying for my husband and his mistress with and open and loving heart for at least 30 days. This was not for anything other than my own growth. Praying for Him, Lord, please open his eyes and let him see the wonderful blessings you have given him right here at home, and God if it isn't your will that he come back to us, at least make him a better dad to my kids. It was a full surrendering of my life to Christ that came along with it as well.

For Her: Oh wow, probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. That God would convict her heart, and her mind so that she would see that we were very much a happy family until she preyed on my husband, and that the weight of her actions would lie so heavily on her mind, that she just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know how to pray any further. But I said this prayer Morning and Night as well as daily prayers over my Husband from The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormi O'Martian, and Praying for your Husband from Head to Toe by Sharon Jaynes. More time was definitely spent in prayer for him, but still I prayed for them every day, twice a day.

He showed up on Friday, 2/19  at the gas station. When I got out of the car to tell him his children didn't want to go with him, he told me he was going to have me arrested for impeding his visitation with them.  I told him to get them out of the car! I was by no means impeding relationships with his children in any way. He tried and they refused. Of course the conversation waxed and waned. He told me I was acting like I was on a episode of Jerry Springer because I kept getting up and standing on my tiptoes and speaking life at him. Sorry if I am over passionate about you being a good parent to your children, and putting us first over your girlfriend!! He claimed his phone went dead on Wednesday night, and that's why he couldn't speak to his girls. But my 14 year old sent a email at 9:20 and by 9:47 she had received a reply, sent from iPhone. He still claimed that he wasn't anywhere but traveling for work. I wanted so desperately once again to believe him, but I knew I had to guard my heart. At the end, I told him that not only did I know that I had hurt him during our marriage, but that there was a time when I would have done anything, to fix it, and would have spent the rest of my life making him happy. We drove away and he followed me home, but I had company so he left again.

I talked to my 10 year old because during the interaction at the gas station, he had presented her the phone he had been promising for many months. I told her he really did want her to spend the night with him, and asked would she reconsider. I never want to be told that I am the one impeding a relationship. I have chased my husband for 6 months, begging him to be the man and father that he was called to be for this family. I have lived first hand with a broken relationship with a father, and its the last thing I would ever want for my children. I have begged him to see our beauty and our worth. I have asked over and over, emailed begging, pleading, and crying on behalf of my family. It continued to fall on deaf ears. My 10 year old conceded, and I took her to his apartment. It was my way of extending a olive branch to him once again. We talked for about 30 minutes. I just wanted him so desperately to understand that we were nowhere near a divorce, and that I would have done anything to fix it. Maybe she remained on the phone in his pocket, I am unsure because he was on the phone when we arrived, but at the end he told me that he wanted to just be co parents and that I needed to try to do that. I looked at him and said "I just brought your daughter to you, I am trying and have been trying for months" and I walked away.

He called me later that night and thanked me for bringing her to him, I told him he was welcome. He had agreed earlier to talk with our children over dinner on Saturday or Sunday. I couldn't believe how  my prayers were working! The conversation was short, but Saturday morning when I woke up for work I noticed that he had called twice again after I fell asleep. It's these phone calls that I will always wonder about. Was there something else that He wanted to say?

Saturday, he took our oldest car shopping. In the middle of the day he called my cell but didn't leave a message. When I text him, he told me that it went well, and thanked me repeatedly for talking with the kids the night before and trying to help him with their relationship. You are welcome, was my reply. The 10 year old didn't want to spend the night with him again and he didn't press the issue. On the way home from work, he called again and he just told me thank you I told him he was welcome. I have never wanted anything other than the father that my children used to have back in their lives. Once I got home, he called me again. Words that still needed to be said, I could feel it. We began talking and I just tried over and over to make this man see our beauty. God's treasures specifically created in this family that Satan was wanting so desperately to destroy. My gf was sitting beside me, the more life I spoke the angrier he got. When I got to Love bears ALL things, it endures ALL things he just kept saying Okay well, I'm not doing this, and we finally hung up. I just felt it my duty to continue telling my husband over and over that God doesn't want this for us, for any of us. Afterwards we texted, and right before bed I called him back. He had had some bourbon, and the conversation was going pretty decent. I asked him if he loved her, and the phone fell silent. My heart broke, but the conversation was also so freeing it was almost like the high I get after I run. I asked again. "Andy, Do you love her?" He replied, "I don't know." I remained completely calm as the one who took a vow with God and with me to love me for eternity, practically declared his possible love for someone else. I couldn't breathe, but God gave me the right words to say. In that moment, I told him not to risk everything he has here for someone who may potentially break his heart later. "I shouldn't care if you walk out in traffic and get hit by a truck at this point after all that you have done to us, but I do." I carefully chose my words hoping that just one of them would touch his heart. I continued talking and then when it was his turn he fell silent again. "I was your best friend for 18 years, just open your mouth and talk to me" he told me if he opened his mouth, that the conversation would turn inappropriate. "Not what I am talking about, but there again, I am your wife" We stayed on the phone until almost two a.m. talking like old friends and flirting with each other. "You hang up, no you hang up" I really thought prayers were being answered. Was he starting to finally see our beauty again?

Sunday 2/21, I got up and went to work. I heard nothing all day, but I knew we were meeting for dinner at 8pm. I was so excited and when I got there and we saw each other, it was like we were still together and best friends. I laid the ground rules and let each child begin to speak. My son went first, he cried and told him that everything this man has ever taught us was now a lie. He was angry, I cried to see my 19 year old grown son cry! But across from me was this man who just continued eating his salad with zero emotion on his face. No apology, no words said. Then it was the 14 year old, she told him how she felt and that he had used up his chances with her, when she needed him he wasn't there. Still, no emotion, just continuing to eat his salad. My 10 year old had nothing to say, and then it was my 17 year olds turn. My daughter who is bravely strong, fiercely independent, and so spunky you can't stand it sometimes, the one who had her own secret handshake with her dad that she did every single night before bed. She began telling him that she would now be talking to him like everything was a business proposition since that is the way he speaks to her. She showed very little emotion but talked about how he destroyed her family, how he destroyed her, how she has had to miss school because the grief was so severe that some days she couldn't get out of her bed. She poured her heart out and then followed up with "Now we want truthful answers"  He agreed. Still no tears shed, no emotion on his face. "Are you in a relationship?" She asked  "Yes" he replied. "Does she live in Tampa?" "Yes" he replied. "Is it Mellisa? " "Yes" he replied. In that moment, as I was broadsided in a public restaurant, as my children's hearts broke, there was no amount of Jesus that could hold me. My first thought, oh me and her are meeting tonight, to which he began telling me he was getting a restraining order..at this point we were in the parking lot. He then calmed me down enough that we went back inside to which he tried to tell my children, no relationship developed until just a few weeks ago. LIES!! All LIES!! I had caught him at her home now twice!! I got mad and walked out again, after tossing water into his face. I had enough. And once again, there are our poor children in a restaurant, with their lives shattered. I bet she slept good though.

We went back in and paid the bill and as the children walked out, standing one by one with tears rolling down their faces, still zero emotion, nor one tear shed. He tried to tell them he loved them.  My oldest had called her boyfriend to come get her and my 14 year old. My 10 year old got in the car with me. My son just drove himself. Shock. Broken Hearts. One Man, One Woman destroying 5 lives. It was absurd. He followed me home, and we talked some more. All I wanted was answers. HE told me he would call me tomorrow. He made it home and called and asked if we could have a old fashioned Andy and Keyana talk, and I said yes. In that moment, I really felt God was working and this was it, so I went first and confessed my soul to him. He did actually cry at that moment, and told me he was so sorry, but then when it was his turn, he wouldn't answer a thing. "You don't get to know my actions anymore" This isn't quid pro quo" my heart broke again. I had fought for 6 months for our family, for us, and this was it. I ended up driving to his home, I laid my head on his chest and held his hand, and I cried, and cried, and cried. As I laid there, I envisioned him laying in the hospital about to draw his last breath. This. This is what it feels like to lose the love of your life. I thought about every good time we had, every baby we held, every breath he took, the good times, the bad times, it all flashed before my eyes. This. This is what it was like to say Goodbye. Hold me Jesus. I cried for almost two hours, and every time I would get up to leave he would tell me to stop. I wanted emotion, I wanted him to tell me I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen again. I stayed until almost 3. Heart Broken.

I woke up this morning and decided I would praise Him through this storm. I prayed for both of them again, and thanked God for the baby steps that were taken towards co-parenting. I love him, and always will, but right now, he can't see the beauty in me or in my children. God, please hold us in the upcoming weeks. Right now we are broken, but I know that you are perfect and you have a plan for us. Thank you, Jesus.