It has been quite some time since I have been able to update the blog. My life has been a crazy roller coaster of emotions, and the kids have pretty much been running the show. As if I didn't have enough on my plate, my son brought home a pit bull puppy mix. First of all, we have two miniature dachshunds. Second, I had already said no time and again (after losing my oldest doxie, Libby last year) but he still took it upon himself, while my husband and I traveled to Orlando for his business trip, to bring the puppy home and...
The damn thing ate my computer charger.
I don't know if you realize what it's like to wait for him to replace said computer charger, and wait, and wait...and today, May 24th, I finally received the charger in the mail and wait for it...
It was the wrong charger for my computer.
I, in turn, had to go to Wal-Mart and buy a computer charger until he can get the money for the wrong one back. Just a day in my life. :)
So back to the story. On March 21st, I traveled with him to Orlando for business. I did know that he had asked that the girlfriend not come to the hotel, or that we would be scheming anything together that would interrupt his business dinner (or that's how I understood it at least) but she and I had already formed a bond outside of him, and as weird and crazy as it may sound, I wanted to meet her. I wanted to know the person that had spent the last 6 months of her life with my husband. I wanted to know what he told her about me, and I wanted to meet this person that had been there for me through all of this craziness and drama. We were sort of in this situation together. I dropped him off at the business dinner and drove about 40 minutes away to meet her.
So much healing took place with that meeting. First of all, She was great. And I know that it sounds crazy, and as I have said before it had to be a God thing because sitting across from each other was probably one of the hardest things that either one of us had ever had to do. I could go on and on about the woman, but I will just leave it at it was the best move I ever made. It showed me that the relationship was built on more lies than what we had originally discussed, and her and I both deserved better. After the meeting, I drove back to get him. When I was honest and told him we had met, he was completely furious. He and I had probably one of the biggest fights we had ever had until he held my wrist and made me thumbprint into my phone. He was raging out of control and when I finally did what he asked me to do, he called her and cussed her and told her to stay away from his family. He then continued to scream at me and told me we were over. He screamed and raged so loud that I finally thought I would leave, call her because I knew no one else, and stay and come back and get him tomorrow. Instead when I tried to get in the car and drive away, he ran after my car slung open the door and told me he would take my children away from me for good. I was scared. I came back up to the room and we went to sleep, but at 6 a.m. he was ready to go. When we got home we were over for good.
I had no idea that I was not to ever meet the woman. On the way back home, we passed her exit and he asked if I wanted to go see "my new bestie" at that time I said she was probably at the hospital, but yes I would not mind going to see her. When I text her, she said we should all meet for breakfast. So as crazy as that sounds, that's exactly what we did. For the first time, she was able to see the man that I had been talking about. Horrible tone, horrible the way he spoke to both me and her, she would try to calm him, and there was no calm. Eventually, he did finally calm down, listen to some reason, and I thought we all walked away on a good note.
The drive back home was amazing. He was so in love with me, couldn't wait to share the rest of our lives together, etc etc. It was the first time that he had talked with and shared everything with me in months. I finally felt like healing could begin. We came back home and made love time and again, but a couple of days after being back, my girlfriend arrived from Tennessee to spend the weekend with me. She has stayed with me multiple times both when he was living here, and now when he wasn't. This trip had been planned since before I knew anything would be happening between us. There was a ton of times that I left her in the kitchen, or in the garage to go in the bedroom with him, and the first night that she was there, her, I, and my local girlfriend was sitting in the garage, he came out there and kept calling me over and saying naughty things in my ear, and wanting me to come back into the bedroom with him. I kept going with it, after all I was so happy to have him back.
The next day, she and I spent the day together doing girly stuff, and enjoying the time. He acted completely normal like nothing was bothering him, and then that night I spent making love to him. On Saturday, she had wanted to go back to the club that we had gone to in February for our birthdays. He never told me he didn't want me to go and we didn't until 10 p.m. that night. I had told him that since this was planned before he was back, I didn't want him to feel compelled to stay. He told me he didn't mind and would stay with the kids, but the moment that I got to the club, he was texting me that my daughter had said "well my dad doesn't live here anymore and he can't tell me what to do" so he was going to go home. I had had a couple of drinks, so of course I was dumbfounded. At first, I tried to answer him kindly and say I'm sorry she said that, I will talk to her tomorrow, I'm sorry that you feel like you want to go home. But his favorite thing to do when he is good and angry is to reply with one word. Yup. And that's when you know you have made him mad. So, for the rest of the night, I was text fighting him back and forth aside from the two pictures that I took with two gentleman who were traveling to the area or were from the area that his girlfriend lived in. I sent them to her because I was actually talking to the gentleman about my friend that lived in Tampa, but you know, I did everything wrong.
Yes, I know it was in poor judgment to go to the club, but had he have let me know anytime before I left, I wouldn't have gone. Yes, I wanted my marriage to work, but I also had a single friend who had met a gentleman the last time she was there and she was eager to go back and see him again. This had been planned way before he and I were ever trying to work things out. Yes, I took pictures with the new gentleman and the guy sitting next to him who was talking about the Tampa area with him that was interested in my friend, but by no means, no way, no how, did I do anything to try and jeopardize or sabotage my marriage. I couldn't. I was fully captivated by the texting fight we were having. After we made it back home, I dropped off my friends and then headed over to his house where once again he raged at me until almost 6 a.m. The next day was Easter.
I came home that morning, and made baskets, the most pitiful baskets ever, and placed them on the fireplace. I cried and cried and cried and then took my girlfriend to get her car. He came over and I tried to make him understand that I knew what I did wrong, and apologized over and over, but he wasn't hearing it. He came out for a few minutes and talked with my family as they arrived, and then the left. He said he was going home to take a nap, instead he texted me all day back and forth telling me it was over. He made me completely miserable. At one point my cousin's husband even threatened to take my phone away because he was blowing it up. I kept begging him to just come back and enjoy Easter, but he would not.
Looking back at the toxicity now, I can see what a horrible position I was in. Since when had I let ANYONE put their hand around my wrist and hold it until I had a bruise to "thumbprint in"? this was not me and not the person I had ever been. I was so broken that I let him treat me however and just kept begging. If this were my daughter in this situation, I would have known exactly what to say and do to make her to want to get out. This was a complete train wreck. He wanted to work it out with me, or he was just looking for the next wrong move so he could get out again. As the next month played out, you will see the pattern and see that it was ALL me. It was all me who did everything wrong. I finally had to learn when to say enough.
During this time, I can not explain the anger I had with God. I couldn't understand why before he came back, and before all of this unfolded, that I was with my kids day in and day out and they were hurting. Somewhere in my mind, I was able to reason out that I was not the best wife and that this was probably my punishment for the times that I got angry with him, but the kids? Why was God letting this happen to my kids? Then, when he was saying that he wanted to come back, my kids would let so much of their anger go, they would let him come back in, and they really would try to be better, because he had told me and them too that they were part of the reason that he left. When he was here, and wasn't in the bedroom with me, he was more involved, and they were so much happier. That was my ultimate goal, that we could unite and come out of this whole thing stronger. Instead, we were on a sinking ship, and where was God? Why wasn't he answering my prayers and hearing my cries? During this time, I let my husband take me down the slippery slope with him, and even made several questionable decisions myself. Anger. It fueled my day from the moment I woke up, until the moment I laid my head down at night. Thankfully, God could handle it.
